i've grown amazingly fond of my tumblr;

blogger, pls don't hate me.
while i'm on the subject of moving on, i have decided that i will end 2010 by inking myself.
my very good friend and i will be in SF for new years, but oakland for the the 30th. on this day we will be inking ourselves with inspirations from our respective worlds.
i am quite excited for mine, seeing as how my piercings didn't work out.
in any case, yay!
i have also decided that my 2010 was well-lived. i had a good feeling about that one, and i was right! i have a good feeling about 2011 as well.
i cannot wait to ring in the new year! this will be my first time choosing 100% what to do, and i have to say i am quite excited.
freedom is a hard fought battle. i owe myself this one.

"i hope someday very soon, we can all meet for a drink and be great friends."

that's what i'd like to think my nights are like in SF.
most of the time, it's just me and her. we hang out. doesn't matter with who, we just do.
we go to random gallery openings, housewarmings in the mission, dancing at bootie...
and we meet random people. we make friends. we make friends with the city.
every time, the airplane rides... are worth it.

"the world is made up of two types of women. the simple girls, and the katie girls."
i don't knw why the fuck i do things, and i never learn from my mistakes.

"i thought by the time i got here, i would know what to say."

"party's over. i'll say it is."
"why wasn't it me?"

"your girl is lovely, hubble."

watching this episode gives me hope. yes, i am that crazy girl. i do things on a whim, and i am nothing but simple.
but in the end, she ends up with big.
i want to end up with a big.
for the jaded, cynical bitch that i am...

"i don't get it."
"and you never did."

"then i had a thought. maybe i didn't break big. maybe the problem was, he couldn't break me."
"maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. maybe they need to run free until they find somebody just as wild to run with."

the scary part is, the older i get... the older the men get. i went to a housewarming party yesterday of four bachelors. their bachelor pad. in SF, in the mission.

if i could describe their place in one word, it would definitely be "fabulous!"

stainless steel kitchen, light wooden floors... space, high ceilings, glass windows that reached the length of a wall... spacious rooms, inviting atmosphere.

i want to get there someday. on my own. i want to live on my own in a place like that someday. where people go up the stairs to reach their destination. where destination overlooks a city. the city. the city by the bay. san francisco.

SO not in the mood.

- so not in the mood to be finishing this damn paper.
- so not in the mood to continue being nice.
- so not in the mood to care what the FUCK people think about me.
- so not in the mood to be in LA.
- so not in the mood to go back to work tomorrow.
- so not in the mood to HANDLE. i want to start ENJOYING.
- so not in the mood to continue being "strong."
- so not in the mood for christmas.

i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO looking forward to the end of the next two weeks. thank GOD i have SF this weekend to tide me over. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

things that make me upchuck:

- bitches 'n hos. no, seriously.
- when i leave papers to do for myself last minute.
- not having money.
- confused little boys.
- my house mate's dog.
- stinginess.
- boredom.
- wannabe ___s.


i think that about completes my list. well, the characteristics that i can think of right now anyway.
i really don't want to edit this paper... then write three more. aweeesome!

dancing machine ~

so i rarely do anything for my birthday, so i thought a vegas trip was in order to remedy that.
things did not turn out as I expected, but i have to say... i had a mighty fine tiime!!
oh man.
- the djs: REALLY? last time i was at vegas, the music was just horrible! tao & xs were the worst. this time? AOKI, OAKENFOLD, AND FELIX. what's up. i ... was going crazy. i have to say i enjoyed felix the most. man. badASS mixes. made my heart pounddddddd.
- the boys: HELLO, RAIN! love love LOVED the international crowd. i love that electronica can bring us all together <3. most exotic of the night? meeting a man/boy (late 20s? haha) from georgia... the COUNTRY! long ways to have fun, i think! of course, saw some aussies. i think they are always at vegas. i never have a vegas trip without seeing/speaking with some aussies. party animalzz.
- the drinks. strong, cheap, and free. just how i love it ;)
- being in a bed with a close friend for a whole day due to exhaustion/stomach flu. oh the conversations we had... <3
- the food: best bruschettas i've ever had at wolfgang puck pizzeria. DAYUM. & hot, legit pho after a night of drinking on a cloudy day? yes pls!
- the entertainment: adored HP7. LOVED the jabbawockeez show @ the monte carlo, & thoroughly enjoyed the fire show/acrobatics in RAIN. O_O
i... need to go again.
bahaha.
delirious &.... checking out. good night!

old habits

die hard.
i have a bad habit of taking my laptop to school.
it all started when i just HAD to watch the giants games online when they were on tues/thurs (THANK YOU, ATDHE!).
and then it evolved into "well, this class is boring anyway." <-- which it truly was.
then it became, "oh shiiii i need my laptop!!"
i am taking a very useful course with a very sound professor called ... i forget what it's called, but it's all about couple's therapy. i should be paying extra attn to this class because i will be doing... MARITAL counseling...
he has a skeleton of his lectures on a powerpoint online. i can fill out the blanks on my own, right..?
read the textbooks, email him with relevant questions...
who am i kidding??
ack! crisis!

T.O.M.

i hate the TIME OF THE MONTH.
or before it, actually.
i have nonsensical thoughts about things that i probably don't even WANT.
hence, i drive myself crazy.
maybe i should just get a dog...

giant

"you picked a good year to follow the giants... and people can't even call you a bandwagon fan because you started following them in the regular season when they were behind the padres."
-- classmate nate
got me thinking. . .
i think i have a giant annoyance with people that compare me to everyone else for several reasons; i have one, though, in particular that i think is very important.
in the course of history, the masses never had it right.
to be "like everyone else" was never a celebration.
the fad was never wise.
there was always ONE person who actually thought to start anything that was RIGHT. see martin luther king jr., martin luther, rosa parks, henry david thoreau. they were never popular. they were never LIKE anyone else. they were actually very UNpopular. People didn't necessarily LIKE them. People became very UNcomfortable with them.
i want to be great. i have great plans for myself. i don't want to be like everyone else.
i want to follow the greats and be a thinker. people may not like me, that's fine. as long as i live by my convictions, i can say that i have been honest with myself & have embraced the life as i live it.
maybe i am being pretentious. maybe i am reaching for too much.
i have one life.
why the hell not!? :)

Is there ever a good time to be listening to James Blunt?

why so serious?

i am really lovin' my long hair, but not lovin' the amount of time it takes to dry it.
blow drying my hair is out of the question at this moment because it is 1:16am &my room is closest to my parents' room in which they are currently resting their eyes.
GG :(

"As Keats wrote, '[d]o you not see how necessary a World of Pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?'"

so when i'm happy i'm happy, and when i'm sad i'm developing... into a more conscious & beautiful human being.
could i ever go wrong?

happy IV

i'm really glad i was never wrongfully accused of a crime so heinous that i would have to serve my whole life in jail for a crime i never committed.

POWW!

in a really strange funk.
don't even want to interview tomorrow, but gotta PULL THROUGH.
i think a good 90% of life is bucking up & wading through the shit that is life.
the only difference between you & me is that i DEFINITELY have a light at the end of the tunnel.
heh.
herrre's to the ups, downs, and inbetweens of our livesssssssssss.
yessir!

happy III

when i lived up north, i was always looking back at what i left in LA.
at that point, i missed the friends i grew up with for 7 years, a good chunk of my life at 12.
i missed korea town & its amazing food/cafes/attractions.
i missed the warm weather.
i missed what seemed like "diversity."
now that i have come back down from living up north, i realize...
i miss the friends i grew up with for 9 years, a good chunk of my life at 22.
i miss san francisco & its amazing food/cafes/attractions.
i miss the cold weather.
i miss the diversity.
how strange it is that i am feeling the same things, but not feeling the same things.
in either case, i am slowly learning. i am learning that as humans, we are made to be sub creators. because we were made in the image of God, with characteristics like our Father, we were also made to produce and finish tasks to what we deem "good."
and in my life down here, as uncomfortable as i find myself, i am still building-- building friendships, a career, a life. ... & in and through that, i am always thankful. 

happy II

"Hi grace, <3 love you and hope you have a wonderful day! :)"
Jessica Tang, Sent 7:58AM

"Listening to the replay of the game instead of eating breakfast hahha Good Morning!"
Wesley Wu, Sent 7:27AM

Thank God for such beautiful friends!
They definitely do a good job of putting smiles on my face :)

happy

there are lots of things that make me happy--
1. novelty: people, jobs, schools, etc. novelty makes my heart sing. i'm not necessarily talking about new things, like new gadgets (although those are fun too!). i'm talking about new experiences! i think those are imperative to living a full life.
2. stories: i love listening to stories. make my ears sing.
3. teamwork: i think this is the #1 reason as to why i like the sports teams i do. it's sad; i do even analyze individuals on teams. i tend not to like teams with "stars," but stars with TEAMS. a good group of guys throwin' a ball around. the american dream!
4. friends: especially the ones i'm going to vegas with. i'm really excited about this trip. :)
5. san francisco: i really do want to settle down in this city eventually. it's without the hustle and bustle of a city like new york, but completely charming!
6. humility: i can learn a lot from these sort of people.
7: people: people that know what adversity really is & have overcome it.
8. luck: i think everyone should have a little; unfortunately that is not always the case :(
9. the number 13: hehehe only because it's nash & ross's jersey #s.
10. nature: always, always, always.
11. the internets!: thank you, al gore ;)
12. my God: because he is everything i could ever hope for in a first love. <3
13. people that upset me: because in those people is my opportunity to become stronger.

i'm going to end with 13 because, well, it's a strong number. ;)

right now. in this moment.

i am so encouraged by the omnipresence of God.

you know what i don't like?

i don't like when people put up cutesy inspirational stories with famous names.
i just read a story about a boy that disproved his professor by turning the professor's argument against God to one FOR God.
And although it was an amazing feat and cute story, i'm not sure if someone recorded that as Albert Einstein.
Oh please.
Give me a fucking break.
It could be Einstein, who knows? But it also didn't have to be... & then you look like a turd.
Anyway.
Yesterday was not a good sports day for me nor is today a good Funday for me. I have to write out a midterm that I neglected to even look at the past weekend in fear of already doing badly on the test (I know, neurotic).
Sooo here I sit on this cloudy day (thank GOD), writing up answers to concepts that I haven't even realized were so deep until now.
At least I have my tea with me. I looove green tea.

gg.

game over?
(i know, i hate hidden messages too... HAHA. deal.)

opened up a can of fucking worms.

now all i can do is wait.
i am not so good at waiting.
i welcome the challenge ;)

RANT

this is no particular rant about anything in particular. no, i lie.
this is about one person.
ever since i've met him, he's haunted my mind.
there is no particular reason; he seems normal enough. there's nothing super special about him, he's like any other guy.
but there's something about him that draws me to him, draws me to thinking about what he might be thinking about.
i want to pick at his mind, but not. i want to unveil what it is that makes him so magnetic, but allow the mystery to stay.
i'm trying to study for a final, and all i can think about is not thinking about him.
i get like this sometimes.
i think i fall in love everyday.
with nature, with a person, with the giants...
i'm not sure if this is particularly healthy, but i don't know how to be anything else.

---

sometimes i would write out what i am studying on my blog so that i can write out what exactly i am learning... but even these thoughts are going in one ear out the other.
all i want to do now is run away to the beach with my journal and let my heart and mind be still.
be still and know that He and He alone should be the only one totally captivating my heart. goodness He's certainly done enough! <3

(untitled).

i hope i never stop being grateful for those that fill my heart with laughter.
i am so humbled.

c'est la vie

my head is pounding and my body is exhausted, but i can't sleep.
sometimes, wondering about life leads me to the strangest thoughts...
after all, who knows what could happen tomorrow? tomorrow is a new day-- full of new wonders & possibilities.
ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES!

you know,

sometimes i sit here in front of my computer reading blogs and nonsense and think...

"nobody fucking cares!"

i mean, everyone goes through shit. EVERYONE. if they didn't, i would be out of a job.
but on a serious note, i have gone through various ups & downs and to me, at that moment, it is the end of the world...
but put into perspective, it's not.

people are dying, hookers are hooking, babies are crying...
there is some SERIOUS SHIT going down all over the world...

why are we so hooked on DRAMA?

thankful.

i watched catfish yesterday.
i walked in the theater thinking it was a summer horror flick.
the basis of the movie was that an individual met a girl over Facebook & it led to an online romance.
after discovering several inconsistencies in her stories, he drove to michigan to see her.
the movie ended with a woman.

this woman struck me in so many ways.
my heart broke as i sat in the theater thinking of how lonely someone must be to act and do as she did.
i could not imagine living her life, for fear of suffocation (and soon, death).
i sat there wondering how and why someone could let themselves go so.
i also sat there thinking how depraved any life must be without the hope that is Jesus.

the more i am uncovering and delving deeper into what true happiness is, the more my heart breaks when i see people turn a blind eye to what could be.

i had a conversation with a friend recently and i told him "do whatever makes him happy."
he was particularly unhappy with my response, but i thought that answer was completely satisfactory.
i think happiness gives room for failure and despair.
one cannot make the leap without fear.

the more i am realizing what it is like to be fearless, the more envious i am of those that have already embraced it. i long for a maturation where i can see people as Jesus sees them.
i long for a time when seeing beauty in life does not come as an explicit choice.
i long for a time when i wake up with the thought of Jesus and go to sleep with the very same thought.
i long for a time when studying relationships will not jade me, but give me hope for humanity.
i long for a time when i will understand the hardships of others.
i long for a time when i will see people for who they are, and love them nonetheless.


the movie ended with a story about catfish.
catfish are put in with the rest of the drones of fish to keep the fish on their toes; so as to keep the rest of the fish alive longer (while on the trip to different parts of the world, where... they will be dead & eaten anyway).
i like to think of myself as one of the catfish.
but i find myself doubting sometimes.

"why can't i be like her?" is a question that has been perpetually eating up my mind for a very very long time.
i don't understand why i am the way i am, or why i choose to respond to certain situations in whatever way i decide.
most of the time, i hate my decisions.

i guess what i'm trying to say is learning to love myself has become a long and arduous journey.
yet i am still thankful.

his love for me

"for you and you alone I have made this place, kaleidoscope of wonder to keep your eye upon as I turn turn the world."

of course i would blog at the most inappropriate time--

i'm about to be caught up in a tornado...
i am so not ready, but the only thing i have been thinking about has nothing to do with the fear creeping up my spine.
it has everything to do with childish insecurities, which should be quelled by an omnipotent God.
what do you do when Satan uses others to paint your face red?

---

i've also been thinking about the concept of choice.
if every action has a reaction, doesn't every reaction require an action? thus, every choice is not really a choice, now is it? if people are whirlwinds of genetics and their environments, do people really have a choice to "make" themselves?
where, then, does that leave us? as a slave to genetics, the environment, pleasure, and comfort, where do i stand?

---

i have an interview for a full-time gig as a case manager for the severely mentally ill. i feel like an outcast already; not quite sure if people understand (or care to understand) the light behind my eyes.
where will working with these people leave me? even more so?
am i on the fast track of quitting normalcy and embracing exquisite pain?
if yes, ... where does that leave me?
i do not want to be at a disconnect.
... but what choice do i have?
nothing great happened within the realms of normalcy.
let's see what i can pull out of my magician's hat.

In the good times & bad...

Have confidence.
I almost wrote "have faith."
Well, that too.
But confidence too.
I did not realize until today that the outlook you have on yourself is what you project.
If you think you're the shit, everyone else will think you're the shit.
If you think you're not... people will dismiss you.
It's all in how you carry yourself.
It's amazing, though, because as children of Christ...
We ARE the shit.
Too cool.
On a side note, my mom just washed me a plum to eat. On a clean, white bowl with a clean, white napkin.
Ahh, the little things.
<3

today is just one of those days

where i feel like it's been awhile since i was fully comfortable with who i was and the people i was with.
i'm so tired sometimes of pretending that i'm alright.
I MISS MY COMFORT.
i think i'm so judgmental over those that are at their most comfortable, because i can't seem to be in mine.
grad school cannot be over soon enough. i want to relocate....... to AUS, then SF, to the east coast perhaps? who knows?? all I know is..............
i want to feel ME again.
refreshed. revived. rejuvenated.

charmed

i live a charmed life.
thank you, God, from the black hole that is my heart.
people love, but i always want more.
you love, and there is always more.
i cannot believe i am to have it evermore.
<3

best night

in in a long time.

i get by with a little help from my friends ~

i have to say --
i was exhausted all week/weekend, but the days were well worth it.
having new experiences, doing things i've never done before, meeting new people, ...
i feel as if i caught a new wind.
my bones shake with anticipation, my muscles tense with excitement.

my reality?

i was, am, and forever will be... loved.
this concept is so simple, still, and completely earth-shattering. i like love it!

(untitled).

sometimes i sit back and wonder -- "will it all be worth it in the end?"
i don't know if it's my own ambition or society's subtle (yet impactful) influence that bids me think, "i wish i went to that school," or "i wish i had that kind of life."
i just have to keep my eyes on jesus and trust that, in the end, everything will surely fall in its place.
as such a finite person, though, the end seems so very far away...

when the lights go down in the cityyy ~

i am either delusional or completely realistic when i say that i am a city girl. i am particular to one city, though.
it's been a long and savory romance.
this city was very subtle and casual when i first met it. the streets were paved with wonder and lust at the corner bakeries, delicious fields of grass, and the unusually fashionable streetwalkers.
i was taken with the calm sense of life.
the city was not in want-- it had everything it could ever need. corporations were built upon concrete foundations, artists trembled at its feet. life was hard, but unusually indulgent here. there was quality and quantity of amazing foods and spices, along with a chance at redemption at whatever mistakes were ever made.
the city? san francisco.
we did not get much of a feel for one another when i was near, but my fascination and fondness grew as i came to frequent it more often.
i am in love.

nip/tuck

it is amazing to me how much this show is teaching me about love.
raw, fierce, inconvenient, self-sacrificing, uncomfortable, vulnerable, enticing, erotic, love.
as television dramas go, this goes right up there with weeds.
although the comedy in weeds is better, the character development in nip/tuck is just phenomenal!
oh, and the drama!
what is life without a little drama? ;)
i have never been so shaken by what goes on in this show. i do believe these writers know no bounds.

innocence is overrated. ignorance will not get you very far, very fast.

my brain feels like mush. i really should stop watching so much television.
my habit of going to the library stopped when arcadia started charging $4.00 every time i forgot my library card to borrow books. i cannot wait to be near the beach again. newport beach library checks books out to you with only your driver's license.

<3

going apartment hunting tomorrow. learning that it's okay to be dependent. ... what a ride this is going to beee ~

it's amazing

how lonely one can feel at "home."
i don't know if i've ever had that "home" feeling.
i think people make up a home, and the people around me did a wonderful job of robbing that feeling from me.
the sermon yesterday was on (in)depenence.
society tells us, as young folk, that we've officially reached "it" (wherever that is) when we are completely financially independent of/from our parents.
scripture tells us, as any type of folk, that we've officially reached "it" (an intimate relationship with christ) when we are completely dependent on him.
yesterday i teared during the sermon.
i don't know how to feel comfortable being dependent. i was taught, from a very young age, that being dependent was a horrible thing, that it was a last resort. thus, there was minimal dependence on anyone. feeling sad? oh, well. deal with it.
feeling happy? cool.
feeling angry? go to your room.
people always tell me that i have the golden family. haha i can't help but smile when people say that. what a joke!

my soul

only feels at peace surrounded by words.
words can make or break a person, but there's no face.
you don't see the world in someone's eyes--a world of regret, a world of beauty, a world of sadness, a world full of pain.
you don't see the crook in someone's nose. the distinction someone carries when they have conquered the world, or the direction it takes when the world burdens heavily on their shoulders.
you don't see the smile, the frown. the coffee-stained teeth, full of late night struggles. the cracking lips of too much sun and laughter.
you don't see the ears, the ears that search for world peace.
you don't see the skin-- the rough patches of rough years or the smoothness of youth.
words are words.
they carry the world, but are not of it.
they are just enough to tide you over, but they feel comfortable. there is a security in words. they cannot hit you like a rushing train or an angry gust of wind.
words are words.
books can't cry, books can't hug you to sleep.
yet there is a still power in words.

'tis the summer?

FUCK TWENTY PAGE PAPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

at least there is ella, ella, ella fitzgerald ~~ <3 <3

Tx is shorthand for Therapy.

I am currently enrolled in a group therapy class that has tremendously impacted my life.
Last night we were asked to write our last words. It could have been to anyone about anything.
I wrote a letter of justification--justification for who I am.
In my last words I had to explain who I am.
Thinking about that concept rattles me. Of course you are who you are, right? What a waste of paper! Am I living a lie? ... are a few thoughts that come to mind.
But being who I am hurts me sometimes. Sometimes I'm seen as selfish, ungrateful, immature, etc. when I'm really just insecure, ignorant, or scared. I wish to see deeper into everyone, but I am not given the same courteousness. 
I am forever grateful for those that love me for me. For those that try to change me, I wonder why I make you that uncomfortable.

Anyway. I cried. It was embarrassing. Then I went home to live in the vicious cycle all over again.

"everything happens for a reason"

is a hard pill to swallow.

patience is a virtue?

still waiting for that 'you.'

obsession O_O

sometimes,

people clutter their mind with useless facts and information.
i clutter my heart with useless people and passions.

the world undone.

i know some of you know this, but ...

i will be here from the end of july to early/mid august. i'm making my dreams come true and traveling the world! Thank you, Jesus!

freak out

i'm having a freak out moment right now, but i look incredibly calm, cool, and collected. nobody knowssssss O_O
(well, by nobody i guess i mean my parents -_-)
i need out. PRONTOOOOOOoooooooooo.

therapy

i say i want to be different.
i want to change the world.
but how am i going about doing so?
why don't i have the passion to care about big things?
honestly? i don't care for world peace or saving the hungry.
does that make me bad?
i care for making one person happy, one step at a time.
isn't that more realistic?
i just want to be happy for the rest of my life.
i don't know what this includes.
i'm so jealous of people who are freed from consumerism. i wish i was. i want to stop wanting new clothes, shoes. i want to stop being jealous of those that can buy them on a whim.
i am pretty sure it doesn't make them all that happy in the long run; in fact, there was a study that showed that people with lots of things are less liked.
but i wouldn't mind having them ~
i am making it a point in my life now to free myself of frivolity.
i want to be happy with what i have. this means, less money on clothes--more money on adventure!
i bought a ticket to go to australia this summer. i vowed to go out of the country at least once a year for the rest of my life. i'm pretty damn excited. i saved up and bought clothes from buffalo exchange so i could afford to dress to impress and do so in other countries ;)
i think that's what i want.
i want life.

steps to cleaning out my life:
- clean out my room; throw things AWAY!
- stop shopping. --> oy, this one's going to be quite difficult ~
- save up: either for an apt., a ticket out of america, or for a rainy day :)
- see a shrink.
- be thankful.

just today i was going out to lunch with my family, nervous about the impending suns loss (i was already mentally preparing myself; how sad is that :[) and i thought about the championship ring.
this ring is what these ball players are fighting for. this ring shows that they are better than the other teams. this ring defines them.
... and i thought to myself, REALLY? hahahah.
for girls, i would say a wedding ring defined them too ~
anyway, this ring. a ring is a thing. it will eventually ... cease to exist.
and i thought... yeah, it'd be nice for nash and hill to have a ring... or to see the finals. they worked so hard toward it. but at the same time, i know that they are both happy (already) from what they accomplished. sure, everyone's disappointed, but why am I taking this so hard??
it's just a ring.
that's when i thought... boy, i am sure glad JESUS is alive. jesus is not a thing & will NEVER cease to exist. jesus is God, God is l.o.v.e.
and i thought of love and thought... see, THAT'S what's worth fighting for.

life & love.
doesn't get much better than that.

like the bipolar patient that i saw in group therapy, i am... "too blessed to be stressed!"
i could learn from the "mentally disabled." they know how to fight for life, and love hard.
maybe it's time i do the same.

i'm pretty sure i know more people like this than not.
pls don't tell me if you are one of these people.
my dad and i had a conversation about two women we knew that settled because they were getting older.
god help me if i turn into one of those women.

free falling

i think every girl has insecurities.
for some odd reason, i find people surprised when i share mine.
they look at me incredulously saying something along the lines of, "but you seem so free..."
being unashamed of who i am and having insecurities are two different things.
for example, every time i go through a tunnel, i wish for a happier life.
i'm not living a miserable one, but is too much happiness ever a bad thing?

blue eyes

i really enjoyed this weekend.

domestic

several days ago, i went to a little baby niece's 100 day.
oh, god, it was so awkward.
i was at the celebration pre-parents so it was up to me to make introductions (the hosts were unavailable being, well, hosts).
i sat there awkwardly. i had my food awkwardly. it wasn't until half an hour passed by and people started talking to me.
after i went home, though, i wondered why i was so awkward.
it wasn't only the influx of strangers into what was familiar to me... it was the domestic nature of the whole thing.
about 90% of the visitors were couples with children.
don't get me wrong, i wish to be one of them someday, i think. i want the "perfect" marriage, children, a family in a cushy place like laguna... but i definitely am not there yet. haha.
i didn't know what to talk about, how to be.
diapers? children's toys? clothes? umm, no thank you.
when i was talked to, it was mainly because my cousin's husband was poking fun at my love for the phoenix suns. ... of course it was like being a lamb in a lion's den. all the dudes ate me up alive. O_O
anyway, i digress.
i know the domestic life isn't the life for me now, but i think i've come to terms of wanting some sort of it later on in the future. i think it'd be a rewarding challenge.
i wonder when that time will come.
i'm learning to embrace it, and that's a huge step for me.
i don't know what the point of this post was. i guess admitting the fact that i want to embrace my inner woman and someday be maternal would be a welcoming change for me?
i'm planning on taking cooking lessons this summer. and maybe do a brief stint in beauty school.
heheheheee.
i guess this means i'm growing up? gross.

mystery

i like to retain a mystery.
i think life is more fun and romantic with mystery.
mystery is awfully lonely, though.
in a world full of facebook, myspace, twitter, blogspot, tumblr, wordpress, ...
mystery is all gone.

"even the shrinks have shrinks in yew york city!" --stanford

i was stood up by my shrink today.
oy~
i will never let that happen to my clients. i'm relatively sane and it did feel like quite a load of crap.
last time i'm calling herrrrrrrrr.
sayonara, bitch.

have to wake up too early tomorrow morning ~~
sigh.
tomorrow is going to be crazyyy. i'm already exhausted.

nip something in the bud

Fig. to put an end to something before it develops into something larger. (Alludes to destroying a flower bud before it blooms.)

i think i did this today. no, i'm pretty sure.
this phrase sounds simple enough. too bad it's not.
to nip something in the bud is to end something before it develops. however, for anything to develop there must be a root. the root, i think, runs deeper than the beauty that is the flower that blooms.
additionally, the flower will definitely die if the root is bad.
fostering the root, then, becomes essential for the beginning of anything--a flower, a friendship, a relationship.
if the root is planted in any sort of wrong, the flower will suffer. if there is any sort of deviance, the flower will not bloom fully or as beautifully as it potentially could.

so.

to nip anything in the bud, as simple as it sounds, is not easy.
pulling out that root is not easy.
the root will leave an emptiness behind.
in all that, there is quiet and still pain.

sometimes,

doing nothing suits me just fine.
i'm completely uninspired.
i wish i had a lot of money so i can run away somewhere and never come out.
i want to sleep forever.
i wish i didn't know so much about the people i care about.
i forget to live in the moment and end up living somewhere in the far distant future.
i am ruthlessly efficient.

the past week has been such a blur--a blur of happiness & complete exhaustion.
what happened to falling? you know, falling in love. love with friends, men.
i don't feel like i'm falling. i feel like i'm sprinting. sometimes it's not comfortable. sometimes it's tiresome.
i know that it is worth it. without the time i spend with people, i'd be worse off than i am now.
but why am i so completely exhausted? drained?

i think i'm so attracted to the bohemian life because it's glorified--glorified as free and unencumbered.
but that can't possibly be true, can it? with no steady source of income, how does one pay the bills? feed oneself? keep a roof over his or her head? what is the secret to waking up the very next morning, energized to tackle life? is it more sleep? rest? no, i've had that. is it healthier food? possibly. is it a routine? not ruling that out.

but in such a twisted world where good people are so bad and bad people are redeemed, does humanity have a chance at a happy medium?

i can understand why there are so many faithful and faithless people. faithful people need something to cling on to and faithless people cling to themselves. either way, it is a desperate attempt to a fulfilled life.

i feel like i can't make any mistakes anymore. i feel like i have to grow up now. i feel like i have to tackle and handle things i'm just not prepared to. i used to be okay with it. i used to enjoy and revel in challenges.
i'm burned out, though. i just want to do nothing for a good amount of time and remember who i am--the happy, mirthful optimist who thought the world was her oyster. the girl who never had her heart broken. the girl who never endured emotional trauma. the girl who was sure that right always prevailed. the girl who was so sure of who she was and what/who she was living for.

i don't know how i got here.

i guess, then, the true test of my character is overcoming this challenge?

but what if i fail?

fresh~

i used to be totally into sports. in middle school i played basketball EVERY SINGLE lunch, rain or shine.
i watched the lakers growing up with the neighborhood kids and watched the utah jazz with my dad.
i watched rose bowls with friends and i LOVED playing football on a large field.
i wasn't a huge fan of softball, but i wasn't bad at hitting the ball so if ever the opportunity rolled around i would pick up a bat and swing.
i LOVED the aching feeling i got after a good game and always ALWAYS enjoyed winning.

i don't know why i stopped.
i stopped watching, participating, and enjoying sports.

not until recently did i remember HOW MUCH i LOVED the smell and feel of freshly cut grass on a field. how much i LOVED running. how much i LOVED learning about different techniques on how to throw or hit a ball. i LOVE the feel of a football and the rush i get when i catch one. i LOVE the rush i get when i hear the crack of the bat when it meets the softball. i LOVE when i take a shot and i hear the familiar "swoosh" from it hitting the net.
it's such a pure moment. just you and the ball. it's completely satisfying and a small, but ultimate high.
the high lingers sometimes, sometimes it doesn't. either way, you always want another fix.

i love seeing intricate plays on any sort of field. i revel in wit on the court. when skilled players play with their heart, mind and strength.

sigh.

it's good to be back, baby.

(re-reading the post, i realized how much of a parallel there is with the high of sports and the high of Jesus's reality. haha, so corny. no, really. i forgot what it felt like to have sports in my life. sometimes i forget the reality of Jesus. days become droll and i rarely woke up feeling excited about life. but now that i am being fed and reveling in the precious love that IS Jayzess, i feel revived. i am back on the field. just me and him. and it's going to be a damn good game.)

extravagance

extravagant - exceeding the bounds of something; extreme; exorbitant

i think i'm addicted to extravagance.
i love to be overwhelmed, especially with beauty. i think it's the most fulfilling thing in the world. when i am enamored by a painting or with God's love for me, my heart stops.
i love to be free. i hate feeling restrained. i hate having bounds. i hate rules. but not living according to the rules is extremely lonely unless you find that one someone that just might feel the same way. i think i found some people that do. very little, but they are all i will ever need <3
i don't like normalcy. i think normalcy is overrated. at the same time, normalcy is comfortable. i don't know what i would want, actually-- normalcy or loneliness. hm.
i like when things have character--a smartness to them. wit. i highly enjoy wit. i think wit is absolutely fabulous.
i like when things are not in order. i feel intimidated when things are in order. i feel like even more of a misfit than i actually am. makes me uncomfortable.
i like when things are sparkly, soft, suede, slick, spotty, stripey, spicy, sweet, sour, sappy, and too soon.
or things that are especially bright, or well done.
at the same time, i don't think extravagance necessarily has to be expensive.
what do i consider extravagant...
the last piece of the decadent chocolate cake.
waking up to sweetly chirping birds.
the mini kitkat bar after a long day.
a smile that greets you at the door.
pandora!

when two souls connect.

you know, those times when your heart GLOWS. <- that, in no way, is normal. that is exceeding the bounds of what this world can offer. it is most definitely extravagant. i hope i never forget that.

<3

sigh :D

04/22-04/25: visit from one of my favorite girls <3
04/26-05/04: visit from my favorite boyyy <3 <3

is this okay? can i really be this happy? :):):)

i feel like

“Being in love is… anxious. Wanting to please, worrying that she will see me as I really am. But wanting to be known…. I wanted her to see me and to love me even though she knew everything I am, and I knew her. Now she’s gone, and my knowledge is incomplete. So all day I imagine what she is doing, what she says and who she talks to, how she looks. I try to supply the missing hours, and it gets harder as they pile up, all the time she’s been gone. I have to imagine….”

—

Martin Wells, from Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

this quote perfectly embodies what i want to say, but just can't seem to. 

drunkenness

i realize that everyone likes to drink.
whether it be for the taste or the effects, people drink. well, mormons don't drink. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!
this post is going to be about what it always is about.
life.
i have a quote that sticks with me in my head that says something along the lines of having to be drunk for one to fully enjoy his or her life.
now, i don't mean alkie drunk. well, it could be that. BUT. let me explain.
this post will go a little along my thought processes of being overwhelmed.
these days i wanted to be overwhelmed with anything else but the looming due dates for papers & exams. finals in the next two weeks, i believe, and i haven't completely done all my reading & the reading i HAVE done hasn't completely sunken in yet.
i'm burnt OUT.
i will get to my point soon, i promise.
so i've been feeling overwhelmed with school.
but that is how i live my life. wading through shit to get through the bright light at the end (here's hoping!).
however, to make life worthwhile, i think that's what it takes.
being overwhelmed. being drunk.
people can be drunk with anything--the spirit, love, purpose, etc. doesn't necessarily have to be alcohol. of course if it is, you can be giving me business. alcoholism is a psychiatric disease as much as it is a physical one.
anyway.
to be drunk. that is how, i think, people SHOULD live their lives. coming from a rationalist, this concept may seem strange. my brows are furrowed, actually, as i write this. it seems to go against everything i believe in.
everything should make sense. but sometimes, i think that's the wrong way to go.
life will never make sense.
one can make sense of it all he or she wants, but ultimately, life will win.
i am not saying that analyzing situations is bad. by no means! however, it should be a means to an end. NOT an end.
i am overwhelmed with the mundane. i am drunk with ... purpose.
i want to be overwhelmed with beauty and drunk with happiness.
i am being overwhelmed now in hopes of being drunk later.
but that doesn't mean i can't enjoy the drink or two now, now does it? ;)
bottoms up! here's to life.

self-efficacy

i have two papers to write tonight. not that these papers have to be long, but these papers need to be thought out.
to, perhaps, encourage the creative juices to flow, i thought i might write some personal thoughts on the concept of 'self-efficacy.'
it's funny that i was assigned to write on such a topic because just yesterday i was told not be so ... independent.

at this point in my life, i thought the 'can do' attitude was absolutely imperative in my life to achieve what i have to achieve. going to a smaller school, i made it a personal mission to graduate top of my class (or, at least, top 3). i have a B+ in one of my classes and i am shaken to the bone.
i have dependence issues. i hate dependence. being dependent or seeing someone so dependent disgusts me. i feel a perpetual, compelling need to be independent and ABLE to take care of myself.

i have two reasons, so far, as to why i feel this way.
the first reason comes in the form of my last relationship. i was very dependent on this person and it blew up in my face. i thought that's what guys wanted- the damsel in distress. haha. well, i got that one alright. i was definitely in distress... after we broke up. the breakup got me thinking, though... what is it that I want to be in a relationship? in the journey to answer this question, i thought it perfect to collect myself first. what people haven't told me so explicitly, though, is thinking of myself NEVER STOPS. people are inherently self-centered. even to help others, one is to help one's self.
the second reason comes in the form of my current career goals. to be a therapist, i should have my life in some form of order. it is unfair of me to ask my clients to be or do certain things while i am doing just the opposite. therefore, i was even more driven to handle myself, and handle myself well.

the secret to going crazy, though, is thinking everything can be done on one's own.

sunday proved to be such a day. i cracked. i cracked in front of one, or maybe two, people. i was frustrated with myself, my life, and the choices i've made thus far. i felt like i was doing everything 'wrong' and feeling frustrated that i just can't seem to be 'right.'

beautiful thought, though: i don't always have to be right. 

while i was enjoying the BEAUTIFUL day with a dear friend, she stuck out her arm to me. she told me to grab her arm. i did so. in the process of doing so, she grabbed mine. now, she told me to let go of her arm. while i let go, her grip was still very firm on mine. she then told me to grab hold of her arm, once again. i did so. she told me then to let go. i let go. through all this time, her arm was steadily gripped on mine.
my arm never left her fingers' grasp.
this was an illustration to show that whether i "can do" things or not, God can. i will try and try again... and fail.
i will continue to make bad choices, i will continue to be frustrated beyond belief, i will continue... to be and do things that i will not be completely happy about... but why stress? worry? really, self-efficacy is not ME, self-efficacy is the jesus IN me.
i am slowly... slowly... EVER SO PAINFULLY learning.
i can have faith and be taken care of. i can not have faith and be taken care of. fact of the matter is, my Father has always got my back.

i can only live in the present. i can only go so far. i am merely human. the beautiful thing about that is, so is everyone else.
 

man,

staying out of trouble has been harder than i thought ;)
thinking of staying in this friday night catching up on my studies and having some wine.

i think i'm totally ok with that. :) :)

in Wonderland

Alice: Well, when I was lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who'd ever think to look for me here?
[sigh]
Alice: Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.

for all you asian boys~

HOPE!

or for the girls... disaster?

who would've thought having boys and girls exist together would complicate life so much?
THERE ARE ONLY TWO! imagine if there were THREE genders? oy vey.

well put, william!

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”

—	William Shakespeare

blackbird, fly~

the question so quickly becomes: ink?
it's do or die. which will i choose?
gahh!

ache

my head aches, my heart aches, my body aches.
i've been studying all day every day (seems like) since january. i am in a long distance relationship. i walked around in heels all day yesterday running around, making sure children were not impaled by softballs.

sometimes i feel completely enshrouded by the negatives in life. i am, as happy as i can be, the type of gal to see the glass as half empty. it's not completely healthy, but it's the way i am wired. sometimes, it sucks.

to be frank, i want a lot of things. i want my friends to come see ME in ARCADIA, for a change. i want my parents to appreciate me. i want my church to be closer. i want to travel the world. i don't want to be tied down to school. i want my boyfriend to live on the mainland. particularly, southern california.
and when i see people that have good friends close by, people to appreciate them, a good church nearer to home, time to travel, money to spend, and face time with his or her boyfriend/girlfriend, my whole being shakes with envy.

i had that in college. i wish i appreciated it more.

but when i look at how i spend my weekends, when i'm not in school and letting my schoolwork pile up (heh...)....
i am enjoying that time SO purely. it's exhilaration just SEEING people i love.
i am ecstatic to come to church. i LOVE hearing the gospel message and being set free every weekend. i LOVE seeing my friends, that i treasure so dearly. i APPRECIATE that everyone drives me around in the OC because people that know me well know that i hate driving. i LOVE that i can see their faces despite the distance. i LOVE the meals i share with them and the money i spend to be with them. i LOVE hearing my boyfriend's voice over the phone or seeing his face over skype. i LOVE the sound of laughter and the ridding of pain. i REVEL in the children that i see on sundays, ESPECIALLY tyler. i LOVE hugs. i LOVE the little crinkles in peoples' eyes when they REALLY smile because they are REALLY happy to see me. i LOVE that i can complain with my classmates about the course load and the fact that we, still, tend to procrastinate (although we can't afford to all that much anymore -_-). 

i guess i shouldn't be as miserable as i am.

but i hope people do know that i am human, and that i do get overwhelmed.

ps- vera wang at kohl's? REALLY?

Is it even love if you’re willing to give up on it?

Being a part of a duo has severely impacted my writing.
My emotions mean a little bit more because I am sharing them. It's a very strange concept to me and I always wonder if what I'm doing is right.

I'm watching The Shawshank Redemption right now & this movie kills me every time. I think this movie is especially popular because it brings out the humanity in people. The deceit, the hurt, being institutionalized, being treated unfairly, having success, being part of a routine, having camaraderie, death, life, ...
This movie is SO OBVIOUSLY fake. Haha. But as a civilian a lot can be learned, I think.

More often than not I obsess over things that are temporary. I want certain brands of clothes, certain ways of living. Why, though?

It's so easy to love when one is comfortable. It's so easy to understand.

It was so easy to see God when I was in college. I had classes once in awhile, saw my friends when I wanted, ate out, ate in, had money, etc.
It still is easy to see God now. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back. I don't have much money, but I am getting by. I see my friends when I can and have the privelege of obtaining a higher education. I am young, vibrant, and educated. The world is my oyster.
When I think of those women who made poor choices in life, have had kids at fifteen, have to work 15 hour jobs to survive and feed her children, comes home completely drained, needs to go to sleep to repeat the same shit.
Where is God then?

God is there. I believe it. For stronger Christians, that is when one can most see God. Feel God. In the hard times, what else can you cling to? What else can you hope for? Believe in?
But for weaker Christians, why?

Life is difficult. I consider myself lucky.
No, I consider myself loved.
There is no way in hell I am going to give up on it.

Love is so complex... yet so simple. Definitions of love vary, but when times get tough... who is still there? still standing? uncomfortable, but willing?

Ultimately, love should be freeing.
If it's not, you're shit out of luck. :)

tis the time to blog~

because i have lots o' papers due soon :)
i didn't end up sleeping early yesterday. i slept at 2:30am. yesssssssssss. no.
i am butt tired. i actually am sleeping early tonight because i cannot keep my eyes open.
i don't have time to be drained.

on a more positive note, olsenboye is out at jcpenney! i am seriously thinking of sifting through some of the looks. i've seen the commercials!!! the clothes aren't half bad & they might just fit me. heh. hopefully i'll be able to swing by one this weekend. yee!

ps. i finally filed my taxes. i can't wait for my refundss :D MONEY IN THE BANK. sounds like a plan to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

be still

"It’s all I have to bring to-day,
This, and my heart beside,
This, and my heart, and all the fields,
And all the meadows wide.
Be sure you count, should I forget,—
Some one the sum could tell,—
This, and my heart, and all the bees
Which in the clover dwell."

Emily Dickinson

12:26a

on my quest to sleeping earlier, i will make this post short & simple.
i realize every day that i need more and more perspective.
i hung up with the manfriend unsettled.
we have been talking about some issues i had with some of his habits & we hung up without reaching a conclusion.
he was tired, i was frustrated. there was nothing more to be said.
i know that i have a knack for being way too human and thus making huge mistakes that i regret later.
as i was thinking about how bothered i was, i thought: what about him?
so i called up a friend. he gave me GREAT perspective.
now to align my feelings with that perspective will be tough, but i am ready & willing.
i always thought relationships to be tough, but never gauged to what extent they could be.
guess it's time to find out! ;)

en ti tled

i hate when people feel entitled to things.
entitled to their own life, even.
i mean, who secures the very next breath they will take?
sometimes i feel entitled.
& i remember why i shouldn't.

the luckiest

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest


Been listening to some really great lyrics. Thrice, Ben Folds...


Word craftsmen, these lyricists are.


The long nights, days of writing/researching, having no social life & too much coffee, more irritable moments than i should have had, patient support systems, sweat, and tears have paid off.


thank you, Lord.

old maid?

recently i've been staying in more on the weekends.
this is due to the fact that my LIFE (school, social network, etc.) is in the OC & i simply just DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.
i fill up twice a week regardless of going out (just commuting to school/church is eating my soul)& spending those two hours commuting is such a waste of TIME (TIME = MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!).
but, i've still been happy.
granted, i don't have the ideal situation as a 22 year old (living with the parents, err... living with the parents, mostly) but i really can't complain.
well, no, that's a lie. i do complain. and i'm SO THANKFUL for the person hearing the brunt of it :)
i don't pay rent, utilities, and groceries and well, that's a good chunk of change.
so i thought to myself... WOW, i am beginning to hermit myself again (i do so from time to time for no reason. i don't know why!).
but, i'm okay with that.
staying home forces me to relax (which i haven't had much of recently) and calm down. breathe. read a book, soak in the tub, etc.
it's nice.
well, that's what i tell myself anyway so as to not feel like an old maid ;)

i think

i think writing comes more naturally when one is unhappy.
actually, i think creativity comes more naturally when one is unhappy.
i don't believe i have ever been awestruck by a creative work done by a very happy person.
and for those that are continually creative, i can only assume that they are perpetually unhappy.
i am the type to be more attracted to the dark, the unhappy, the desolate.
i think this is because i believe there is a certain type to life in unhappiness. that, although an individual may feel that her soul is slowly decaying & her breath is slowly leaving her, it's almost a rebirth.
in actuality, a person will tend not to physically die. it is an emotional death and resurrection.
i think of a phoenix. a phoenix will have a chapter of its life, die & from its ashes, become beautiful again.
i think unhappy people go through that.
i think, sometimes, misery is beautiful.
i mean, without misery, does one really know the depth of being happy? joyful?
from misery comes a very special part of a person that usually lays dormant.
and not that one would want to be miserable all the time! by no means!
but when one is miserable, maybe... just maybe, it's not completely all that bad.
at least you know you are alive.

FCUK

curbing my spending habits is proving to be RIDICULOUSLY difficult.
the WHOLE DAY i have been putting imaginary pieces into imaginary shopping bags... & clicking all the way up to 'checkout,' looking at the prices, and crying.
i really DO NOT like having money.
i was trying to calculate how much i can sacrifice for le clothes. if i don't eat, basically, i can buy.
ummmmmm. this is proving to be more and more difficult. eating v. clothing...
maybe i'll just raid my mom's closet one last time...

sigh.
what am i doing!?
the prospect of having a midterm & final this week is so far from my mind right now.

i think i am going batshit crazy.

oh, how i miss those days when i didn't have to pay for anything~

i just sent in my car payment today. eeeeeeeeeeeesh. lucy costs me too much. sigh. but i do love her...

okok i need to stop complaining. according to allport, i'm an 'emotionally-healthy adult.'

teeheeeee.

bye bye, friend. 'til another day :(

it's

make it or break it.
do or die.
i'm gonna make do.

on a different note--

love. this. girl.

people

call me "little girl."
how about i call them "big girl?"
funny how the girl that called me "little" was, in fact, big.
i know this post is mean.
i'm not in the greatest mood.

oh, she's good

la roux.

okay, no

yes, i realize valentine's day is coming up.
and yes, i even have a boyfriend.
no, i do not care to know...

- what single people should do on valentine's day
- what couples should do on valentine's day
- the special deals on flowers (flowers = too much $ = quick death)
- the special deals on jewelry (have you not seen blood diamond!?)
- the special deals on teddy bears (no, i am no longer 3)

what i DO care to know...
- the special deals on CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!

i never mind valentine's day as long as there is some sort of chocolate-y goodness involved.
so there. i'm not completely jaded.

paz.

i hate that i even had to write on valentine's day. i think this day is way too overrated but i had to vent frustration somewhere. now, onto the shitload of writing i have to do by tonight so i can celebrate valentine's at AMOEBA (non-romantic) with ANDREW(NOT le boyfriend).

YAY unconventionality ~
i try.

God save McQueen.

my thoughts exactly.

for some reason

i have been having fierce cravings to write.
i usually have these cravings when i am upset or frustrated.
seeing as how i am both, i guess this overactive blogging makes sense.

i was going to leave one phrase to describe everything i was feeling.

"... and so it begins."

this one phrase has so much meaning to it- it can be positive, negative, and/or neutral.

here is what i'm thinking/feeling-

1. and so begin the shorter conversations.
2. and so begin the papers (1-2), presentation (1), and exams (2) this month.
3. and so begin the lack of sleep, me biting everyone's head off, and the obsession with APA-style format in all my papers.
4. and so begins another contemplation on grad school. have i made the wrong decision? should i transfer?
5. and so begins (or continues, in this case) my debt. frustration = spending money on one of two things. shoes/clothes&music. i'm headed to amoeba this weekend, friends or not.
6. and so begins me reevaluating my life. i cower in the face of change. it's sad and immature. i still do it.
7. and so begins the sleepless nights either writing/thinking.

eff february. i'd rather have the ides of march.

will everything really be alright?

alright is defined as 'adequate.'
i don't think anything in life is 'adequate.'
pain is excruciating. love burns. sadness is heart-wrenching and life, as we know it, is difficult.
words have evolved past 'good' and 'bad.'
it's become purposeful, just as life should be.
i think it's inspiring reading others' blogs. so many of my friends and loved ones going through an array of emotions and steps in life... makes me feel like i'm at a standstill.
even at this standstill, though, i can't help but be thankful.
thankfulness doesn't necessarily have to be felt, though, does it?
maybe it's my lack of sleep that's talking, but man. i hate waiting.
i have to wait for my masters degree. i have to wait and see if i pass my two board-certified tests to be able to practice in CA (or anywhere outside the state, for that matter). i have to wait to see my manfriend. i have to wait and save money in order to move out. i have to wait for the weekend.
why is life such a perpetuation of 'waits?'
my patience is wearing thin.

FYAP

perfect combination of cudi&vampire weekend. yummmmmmmmm.

of course

i would be blogging instead of studying for my midterm at 6pm.
let me share with you what i'm studying-

communication is the key to life.
without healthy relationships, life becomes severely unstable.
in an unstable life, the individual begins to feel isolated and thus deteriorates (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.)

there are rules to communication.
for example, in a family, one must answer the following three questions:
1. what can i say to others (in regards to the family unit)?
2. how can i say it?
3. to whom should i relay to?

and with these three questions come five accompanying rules-
1. the rules to communication within and outside of the family is explicit.
i.e. "don't say whatever is said in the family right now to those outside of the family."
2. the rules to communication within and outside of the family can be unspoken.
i.e. if nobody else talks about your sister's lifestyle outside of the family, don't talk about your sister's lifestyle outside of the family.
3. there are specific rules within each family that is punished/rewarded.
i.e. i will never be punished for keeping to myself, but other families might require "family time," where not talking to others in the family might be considered offensive.
4. family communication should be flexible for when unforeseen changes occur.
5. family communication should be negotiable so everyone can feel involved.

interesting, eh?
i like it.
well.
looks like i DID learn something!!!!

i am also learning effective communication with others (general) by reducing different types of noise, effective and proactive ways to communicate within relationships, and the advantages/disadvantages to having relationships. it was easier for me to memorize the latter. heh.

nowww on to the therapy part of communication:
1. the client's gumption matters the most (40%)
2. the client-therapist relationship matters next (30%)
3. hope, expectancy, and placebo factors are third most effective in therapy (15%)
4. the therapy treatment itself comes in last (15%)

psychotherapy works at least as well as medication.

and the last lesson i have learned-
let us begin life with an end in mind and constantly be alert to what is happening around us!
life is hard; i say we attack it with our best foot forward.

thirty-six

days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

ache

i very much believe there to be good types of ache as well as the bad.
right now, i am aching.
i am aching for what i had four summers ago.
after a long, hard day, i would sit on stairway steps looking out on the city of santa ana. the sun was burning fiercely while it was going down... almost like it was resisting its responsibility to set so that the moon may shine.
i would either be licking a popsicle or munching on some corn on the cob.
i would be sitting with a good friend talking about the children, jesus, or how hard life is.
there would be nothing on my feet but $5 old navy sandals, nothing on my sore legs but a pair of jeans/shorts and an old, well-worn tee.
i would have absolutely no makeup on and my hair would be lazily swept up in an unkempt ponytail.
man, those were the best times.

i had a similar moment recently.
sitting on a bench in balboa, looking out at the water. eating the best french sandwich i have ever had. conversing with a good friend. relaxing and knowing that everything will be alright.

i don't know what it is about nature.
my soul feels free.

FYAP

Passion Pit-Sleepyhead from ssarenofun1 on Vimeo.

it's been awhile. :)

and unusual punishment

'tis cruel to be so far from him.

the pursuit of happyness

i'm supposed to be writing a paper about 'change.'
how do YOU deal with change? what IS change to you?
i don't deal with change well. when something rocks my boat, i freak. i freak and immediately look for solutions. one would think this was healthy. ... but it's not.
experience has taught me that purely being in the midst of change can change you. fiercely looking for solutions may help. it mayn't. BUT. reflection on what is changing and how to adapt, i think, is very healthy. i lack the reflection part. i spring immediately into action. in most cases, this attribute is good. in cases such as change, not so much.
i'm ok with change. i just wish i knew how to handle it better.

the point of this blog post, though, was that when most people change, they change to be happy.
whether the change equates to clothes, personality, significant others, etc. the change is geared toward a positive outcome. however, due to the nature of human beings, positive outcomes are few and far between. we are a self-destructing race. if good things are happening, we are apprehensive. we feel like, maybe due to the cycle of life, the bad is going to come soon. therefore, it is highly unlikely that we will fully tap into that happiness. however, when shit happens... well, shit happens.

the point of my stream of conscious is that people change because they want good to happen in their lives. even if the change is to come to us, we make a decision beforehand that brings the change onto us. for example, i went to a party last night and met some friends. some changes might come about in my life because of the decision to go to one party.

decisions, decisions. collisions, collisions. amazing how life works. amazing how God works.

i write in a stream of conscious and it gets ugly. sorry. i'm going to save my little grey cells for my actual paper. ... which i soon hope to write. yayyy.

learned misplaced happiness

what i learned about myself this week
1. i have a bad habit of thinking i know everything. or have seen everything. or have heard everything.
'tis never true! my eyes are slowly being opened to a new type of world.
(i.e. one of the students in my psychopathology class works at hope, has two children [one around my age], is a single mom, and is currently dating. oh, and she smokes. for some reason, i thought all white christians were super legalistic. i'm sure there are many that are, but notice i used all. hm. MY BAD!)
2. i was SO not ready for grad school. yeaaaaaaaap.
3. i don't mind my job so much anymore.
4. i love what i'm studying!!!!! diagnosing is like putting together people puzzles. i love it.
5. i am a collector! who knew!? of fabulous shoes, shirts and sexy sexy music.

misplaced happiness
i think the notion of "if you're happy, there can't be something wrong" is ... wrong.
i think there's such a thing as misplaced happiness.
i haven't gone so far as to elaborate that thought... but it sort of came to me listening to you like me too much by the beatles.

perhaps i shall elaborate on the thought later.

for now i am going to sit back, relax & talk to my boy on the phone :) ta-taaaaaaaa!

literal

i have a literal thorn in my flesh.
a physical ailment.
aside from that, i am appalled as to how many times i use the word 'i.'
i guess it's normal to do so in a blog, but wowza!

you say you want a revolution...

lazy days

do you ever have those days when your brain is just lazy?
you sit in front of the computer knowing there is always something ...
buuut as much as you want to finish whatever is plaguing your mind, the will to do so is just... not there?
i have a sort of nagging feeling with me all the time.
i don't know what it is.
i want to say it's school.
i want to say it's le boy.
i want to say it's living at home.
i want to say it's because i feel like i can't breathe when i'm not leaving near a beach.
i want to say it's because i, seriously, am broke. no joke.
i want to say it's because i haven't gone shopping in too long. withdrawal?
i want to say it's because i can't go to coachella. FUCK
i hope i know what it is soon so i can get rid of it.
i miss the rain already.

i hate the way i write.
hate it so much.






that's the way the sun hits the top of our neighbor's house when it sets.
i can't get over how beautiful that burnt orange is. i normally HATE the color orange.
that orange, though... i would never get tired of looking at it. & the way it contrasts the sky?
mmhm.

oh pioneer, oh pioneer.

in this very moment, someone...
- has been robbed
- has left on a plane to the unknown
- died
- gave birth
- had their first orgasm
- was terrified to find out they were preggos
- was elated to find out they were preggos
- was proposed to
- was deinstitutionalized and took their first step out of jail/the psych house/etc.
- broke their leg
- broke someone else's leg
- bought their first car
- bought their first motorcycle
- got handed their license
- received a gift in the mail (me! :D; THANK YOU, DAVID CHU <3 <3 <3)
- realized their love for someone
- realized their hatred for someone
- accepted christ
- denied christ
- had their house foreclosed
- stubbed their toe

i could go on and on and on and on and on and on and onnnn.

... while i sit here at an office desk staring at the paperwork that needs to be put away.

what a trip.

class was canceled today, though. yipeeeee!

scandalous?

you know society has gone to shit when the temporal begins to have staying power.

hyyerr

i just had a breakthrough moment for myself while studying.
i HATE talking about my feelings.
i can talk about everything & anything. cars, philosophy, MUSIC, love.
... but the minute people ask me what i feel (minus clothes//shoes)?
PAZ.
i know why i'm like this.
do other people have to know, too?

decisions, decisions

there come points in my life where i feel like i am at a complete stand still.
i imagine myself looking at two roads, both leading off into the sunset.
the day is bright and the sun is shining happily down at me. i am walking out of a forest and the trees shake, anticipating which road i am going to take.
the air is clear and the weather is crisp.
i am on top of a hill.
i look down and see the worlds of opportunities at my feet.
and my mind is cloudy, fuzzy, fearful.
i don't lead my life with my heart so feelings get muddled. i'm not quite sure as to how to handle them.
logic does nothing for me in these situations.
i thought i knew how to handle my emotions, but i was wrong.
so so wrong.
now i'm left with this beating heart. beating beating beating.
what to do with it, i don't even know.

i heart

i can't even begin to describe the wonders of the heart.
how it can feel so much and so little baffles me.
the way it twists and turns. the way it confuses the hell out of me. the way it elates me, the way it consumes me.
the way it annoys me, the way it questions me, the way it pushes/pulls me in directions i am extremely wary of.
the way it lashes out at me, the way it hides me to the world. the way it hates, the way it loves.
the way it burns, the way it melts, the way it freezes.
i can't even begin to imagine the direction it will take me next.

christians are told not to follow your heart, to follow christ.
if christ is in your heart, is it ok?
it sounds like the most senseless question... but in reality, it is a daily struggle for me.

a key component to my personality is that i am down for anything.
i don't want to regret a single thing in my life & welcome (mis)adventures.
at the same time, i do want to guard my heart.
in what world can i meld these two passions together?

before diving into my schoolwork, again.

schoolwork has become a welcoming nuisance.
i don't like having a regular schedule because i am pretty ADD. haha. i like to be intrigued AT ALL TIMES... which isn't particularly healthy, but eh. what can ya do.
after retreat, i can only be thankful.
that's what comes to mind.
so thankful.
thankful for my rational mind, for my always curious heart, my sense of wonder, my friends, family, possessions, my reality, my hopes, dreams, my ability to GO to school (financially AND physically), this laptop...
i really CAN'T complain.
i think i am the most thankful when i am the busiest.
getting things done, i think, is the call of man. (wo)men feel most accomplished and most like themselves when completing something with their own two hands.
fortunately for me, i have rest and happiness in what i do.
i do what i do because i love it, not because i want to leave a dying impression on this decaying world.
i need to tap into reality more often.
the bane of my existence is keeping my head in the clouds.
it's fun, it's an escape; it should not be used to live.
when you see my head in the clouds, please pull me down.

well,

he held onto it as long as he could.
god help him.

i really like crossing things off my checklist.
:)

second post

i am incredibly shallow.
i need to grow the FUCK up.

there. done.

that needed to be said.

i have moved on

... to incredibly exciting/anxious/curious pastures.

i guess there does need to be the dull moments to open one's eyes to, well, everything else.

strange

it feels strange to be seeing someone again.
what is even stranger is the feeling i have for this one.
i like him. ... & it feels ok.
he makes me feel ok. i feel comfortable with him.
i don't feel rushed, i don't feel like it's going too slow.
it's steady.
i haven't had this kind of relationship, ever.
i like trying out new things :)

2010

there are two qualities i want to foster this year.

1. confidence
2. gumption

now when people pray for qualities such as these, i can't imagine God to be the type to give. well, not give outright anyway. i can't say i'm fully prepared for this year. i definitely am not. i do know that each year brings its hardships, though. and if God allows, i would not be mad if he allows struggles that help foster some confidence and courage in me.

i'm scared shitless but damn, it's gonna be one hell of a ride. yeE!

i

feel like i put myself out there more than i should.
more often than not i get burned.

BUT.

here's to a good year.
i think 2010 will be good. i can feel it in my bonezzz.z