freak out

i'm having a freak out moment right now, but i look incredibly calm, cool, and collected. nobody knowssssss O_O
(well, by nobody i guess i mean my parents -_-)
i need out. PRONTOOOOOOoooooooooo.

therapy

i say i want to be different.
i want to change the world.
but how am i going about doing so?
why don't i have the passion to care about big things?
honestly? i don't care for world peace or saving the hungry.
does that make me bad?
i care for making one person happy, one step at a time.
isn't that more realistic?
i just want to be happy for the rest of my life.
i don't know what this includes.
i'm so jealous of people who are freed from consumerism. i wish i was. i want to stop wanting new clothes, shoes. i want to stop being jealous of those that can buy them on a whim.
i am pretty sure it doesn't make them all that happy in the long run; in fact, there was a study that showed that people with lots of things are less liked.
but i wouldn't mind having them ~
i am making it a point in my life now to free myself of frivolity.
i want to be happy with what i have. this means, less money on clothes--more money on adventure!
i bought a ticket to go to australia this summer. i vowed to go out of the country at least once a year for the rest of my life. i'm pretty damn excited. i saved up and bought clothes from buffalo exchange so i could afford to dress to impress and do so in other countries ;)
i think that's what i want.
i want life.

steps to cleaning out my life:
- clean out my room; throw things AWAY!
- stop shopping. --> oy, this one's going to be quite difficult ~
- save up: either for an apt., a ticket out of america, or for a rainy day :)
- see a shrink.
- be thankful.

just today i was going out to lunch with my family, nervous about the impending suns loss (i was already mentally preparing myself; how sad is that :[) and i thought about the championship ring.
this ring is what these ball players are fighting for. this ring shows that they are better than the other teams. this ring defines them.
... and i thought to myself, REALLY? hahahah.
for girls, i would say a wedding ring defined them too ~
anyway, this ring. a ring is a thing. it will eventually ... cease to exist.
and i thought... yeah, it'd be nice for nash and hill to have a ring... or to see the finals. they worked so hard toward it. but at the same time, i know that they are both happy (already) from what they accomplished. sure, everyone's disappointed, but why am I taking this so hard??
it's just a ring.
that's when i thought... boy, i am sure glad JESUS is alive. jesus is not a thing & will NEVER cease to exist. jesus is God, God is l.o.v.e.
and i thought of love and thought... see, THAT'S what's worth fighting for.

life & love.
doesn't get much better than that.

like the bipolar patient that i saw in group therapy, i am... "too blessed to be stressed!"
i could learn from the "mentally disabled." they know how to fight for life, and love hard.
maybe it's time i do the same.

i'm pretty sure i know more people like this than not.
pls don't tell me if you are one of these people.
my dad and i had a conversation about two women we knew that settled because they were getting older.
god help me if i turn into one of those women.

free falling

i think every girl has insecurities.
for some odd reason, i find people surprised when i share mine.
they look at me incredulously saying something along the lines of, "but you seem so free..."
being unashamed of who i am and having insecurities are two different things.
for example, every time i go through a tunnel, i wish for a happier life.
i'm not living a miserable one, but is too much happiness ever a bad thing?

blue eyes

i really enjoyed this weekend.

domestic

several days ago, i went to a little baby niece's 100 day.
oh, god, it was so awkward.
i was at the celebration pre-parents so it was up to me to make introductions (the hosts were unavailable being, well, hosts).
i sat there awkwardly. i had my food awkwardly. it wasn't until half an hour passed by and people started talking to me.
after i went home, though, i wondered why i was so awkward.
it wasn't only the influx of strangers into what was familiar to me... it was the domestic nature of the whole thing.
about 90% of the visitors were couples with children.
don't get me wrong, i wish to be one of them someday, i think. i want the "perfect" marriage, children, a family in a cushy place like laguna... but i definitely am not there yet. haha.
i didn't know what to talk about, how to be.
diapers? children's toys? clothes? umm, no thank you.
when i was talked to, it was mainly because my cousin's husband was poking fun at my love for the phoenix suns. ... of course it was like being a lamb in a lion's den. all the dudes ate me up alive. O_O
anyway, i digress.
i know the domestic life isn't the life for me now, but i think i've come to terms of wanting some sort of it later on in the future. i think it'd be a rewarding challenge.
i wonder when that time will come.
i'm learning to embrace it, and that's a huge step for me.
i don't know what the point of this post was. i guess admitting the fact that i want to embrace my inner woman and someday be maternal would be a welcoming change for me?
i'm planning on taking cooking lessons this summer. and maybe do a brief stint in beauty school.
heheheheee.
i guess this means i'm growing up? gross.

mystery

i like to retain a mystery.
i think life is more fun and romantic with mystery.
mystery is awfully lonely, though.
in a world full of facebook, myspace, twitter, blogspot, tumblr, wordpress, ...
mystery is all gone.

"even the shrinks have shrinks in yew york city!" --stanford

i was stood up by my shrink today.
oy~
i will never let that happen to my clients. i'm relatively sane and it did feel like quite a load of crap.
last time i'm calling herrrrrrrrr.
sayonara, bitch.

have to wake up too early tomorrow morning ~~
sigh.
tomorrow is going to be crazyyy. i'm already exhausted.

nip something in the bud

Fig. to put an end to something before it develops into something larger. (Alludes to destroying a flower bud before it blooms.)

i think i did this today. no, i'm pretty sure.
this phrase sounds simple enough. too bad it's not.
to nip something in the bud is to end something before it develops. however, for anything to develop there must be a root. the root, i think, runs deeper than the beauty that is the flower that blooms.
additionally, the flower will definitely die if the root is bad.
fostering the root, then, becomes essential for the beginning of anything--a flower, a friendship, a relationship.
if the root is planted in any sort of wrong, the flower will suffer. if there is any sort of deviance, the flower will not bloom fully or as beautifully as it potentially could.

so.

to nip anything in the bud, as simple as it sounds, is not easy.
pulling out that root is not easy.
the root will leave an emptiness behind.
in all that, there is quiet and still pain.

sometimes,

doing nothing suits me just fine.
i'm completely uninspired.
i wish i had a lot of money so i can run away somewhere and never come out.
i want to sleep forever.
i wish i didn't know so much about the people i care about.
i forget to live in the moment and end up living somewhere in the far distant future.
i am ruthlessly efficient.

the past week has been such a blur--a blur of happiness & complete exhaustion.
what happened to falling? you know, falling in love. love with friends, men.
i don't feel like i'm falling. i feel like i'm sprinting. sometimes it's not comfortable. sometimes it's tiresome.
i know that it is worth it. without the time i spend with people, i'd be worse off than i am now.
but why am i so completely exhausted? drained?

i think i'm so attracted to the bohemian life because it's glorified--glorified as free and unencumbered.
but that can't possibly be true, can it? with no steady source of income, how does one pay the bills? feed oneself? keep a roof over his or her head? what is the secret to waking up the very next morning, energized to tackle life? is it more sleep? rest? no, i've had that. is it healthier food? possibly. is it a routine? not ruling that out.

but in such a twisted world where good people are so bad and bad people are redeemed, does humanity have a chance at a happy medium?

i can understand why there are so many faithful and faithless people. faithful people need something to cling on to and faithless people cling to themselves. either way, it is a desperate attempt to a fulfilled life.

i feel like i can't make any mistakes anymore. i feel like i have to grow up now. i feel like i have to tackle and handle things i'm just not prepared to. i used to be okay with it. i used to enjoy and revel in challenges.
i'm burned out, though. i just want to do nothing for a good amount of time and remember who i am--the happy, mirthful optimist who thought the world was her oyster. the girl who never had her heart broken. the girl who never endured emotional trauma. the girl who was sure that right always prevailed. the girl who was so sure of who she was and what/who she was living for.

i don't know how i got here.

i guess, then, the true test of my character is overcoming this challenge?

but what if i fail?