sometimes,

doing nothing suits me just fine.
i'm completely uninspired.
i wish i had a lot of money so i can run away somewhere and never come out.
i want to sleep forever.
i wish i didn't know so much about the people i care about.
i forget to live in the moment and end up living somewhere in the far distant future.
i am ruthlessly efficient.

the past week has been such a blur--a blur of happiness & complete exhaustion.
what happened to falling? you know, falling in love. love with friends, men.
i don't feel like i'm falling. i feel like i'm sprinting. sometimes it's not comfortable. sometimes it's tiresome.
i know that it is worth it. without the time i spend with people, i'd be worse off than i am now.
but why am i so completely exhausted? drained?

i think i'm so attracted to the bohemian life because it's glorified--glorified as free and unencumbered.
but that can't possibly be true, can it? with no steady source of income, how does one pay the bills? feed oneself? keep a roof over his or her head? what is the secret to waking up the very next morning, energized to tackle life? is it more sleep? rest? no, i've had that. is it healthier food? possibly. is it a routine? not ruling that out.

but in such a twisted world where good people are so bad and bad people are redeemed, does humanity have a chance at a happy medium?

i can understand why there are so many faithful and faithless people. faithful people need something to cling on to and faithless people cling to themselves. either way, it is a desperate attempt to a fulfilled life.

i feel like i can't make any mistakes anymore. i feel like i have to grow up now. i feel like i have to tackle and handle things i'm just not prepared to. i used to be okay with it. i used to enjoy and revel in challenges.
i'm burned out, though. i just want to do nothing for a good amount of time and remember who i am--the happy, mirthful optimist who thought the world was her oyster. the girl who never had her heart broken. the girl who never endured emotional trauma. the girl who was sure that right always prevailed. the girl who was so sure of who she was and what/who she was living for.

i don't know how i got here.

i guess, then, the true test of my character is overcoming this challenge?

but what if i fail?