please don't be afraid

if i pull a-

[young Jenny Curran] "Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here."

one day i'm going to pack. pack a bag.
i'm going to pack this bag so i can go far. far far away from here.
where to? who knows. it could be london, france, anywhere but your underpants!
either way, it'll be grand. i'll have a ball. ball ball balll.

i am really sad, so sad, that i can't spend nye in sf for more reasons than one.

i'm going to make the best of it, tho, and spend it with one of my very good friends.

far far away from here.

happy 2009, folks!

baby, it's fact

i feel the butterflies again.

fucking addicted to this man.

all of the feeling in the world can, sometimes, be summarized into this one following word:

fuck.

(untitled).

i love staying up listening to amos lee.

one night i want to stay up late with my hubby, drinking tea, reading while listening to amos lee.
with reading lights for each of us & lightly scented candles for the rest of the room.
i realize that my previous sentence is a complete fragment.

i used to be a grammar nazi. i still keep my reference book from my upper-div writing class so i can teach, or correct, myself.
now that my room is clean, though, i don't know where i put stuff anymo.'

this one deserved a separate post

Josh Groban: "Hollywood loses another bright soul....how many more? A decade of decadence and devastation. Time to wake up."

November 10, 1977 - December 20, 2009.

RIP, brittany.

list therapy

i am HAPPY
things that i am happy about
- amos lee
- my sisters, my high school friends
- my brothas from chi-town
- exodus3
- my cambridge family
- having a date tomorrow night!
- my full bed
- orange juice
- tea
- chanel by axel madsen
- theo :)
- sf
- 5$ blackjack
- my faux fur vest
- my tiny, black canon
- the CHARGERSSS
- steve nash
- starting school soon (i know, i know)

i don't quite know how to end this post
i was going to finish with a short list of what i was unhappy about
but man, why do that?

positive

i wish i was a more positive person.
truth is, i'm not.
i have no reason NOT to be positive.
i grew up in a nice, christian korean-american home.
my brother & i (relatively) get along.
i have great friends.
tons of crazy relatives.
lots of possessions.
a hope that transcends reality.
...
but i'm just not.
i'm not saying i'm NEGATIVE. i guess i could be a realist?
sigh. not really that either.

i don't know why i do this to myself

i have work tomorrow............ & it's late.
i don't know why i do this to myself.
i'm not even fully recovered.
i feel 90% there, but not quite.
relapse is possible.
i've been reading the bell jar by sylvia plath.
plath has written so clearly & beautifully thoughts that i have thought and words that i wish were spoken in my reality, universe. ... and it scares the shit out of me.

finishing siddhartha inspired me. for a very obvious reason, i don't think the bell jar will have an equal effect.

i wish i can have lots of thoughts right now- some sort of dilemma, a praiseworthy moment, a hypothetical situation. anything that will make me write, but my brain seems to be lit up with nonsense and empty lights.

i feel like sometimes ... just sometimes, i think my life really is like a movie.

that serendipity will bring that stranger i met on BART to me and we will live happily ever after.
that my friendships will stay exactly the same and will never take a turn for the worse.
that someday i just might see big ben again.
that i might be able to afford a chanel purse of my own.

i sincerely believe there are realistic dreams and dream dreams.

realistically i will never meet the perfect man.
realistically friendships/relationships change.
realistically i just might see big ben again & hopefully i'll be able to afford that chanel purse.

i guess that's what life is all about- hope.

i've grown way too jaded to appreciate a fool's hope.

if i had three wishes i'd wish for the following-
1. height (my height can get very uncomfortable. esp. in europe where women are amazonian & it's normal),
2. the ability to speak every language,
3. to SEE THE BIG PICTURE- whatever that means. i'll take it.

#3 used to be money. an unlimited supply... but what kind of bitch would that turn me into? i guess knowing too much just might hurt me too. but i'd rather be crazy than greedy.

lifestyle

i've been out & about for the past two weekends and my body is paying for it.
i have aches where i didn't know i could HAVE aches.
on top of that, i'm sick.
BUT this past month i've been having the times of my life.
i have laughed so hard i couldn't breathe, i've danced nights away & discovered some damn good music.
had friendly chitchat with a beautiful stranger, found a great little boutique that has EVERYTHING i could ever want in terms of fashion and the greatest advisers in my friends.
these are the times when i feel the most blessed. the most alive.
sigh.
right now, i am content.

loves

via le fashion.

FAIL; gotta try try again. +fyap!!!!!

i didn't take any bb pics at vegas.
i didn't want to drop my camera while buzzed. or something like that.
i'm gonna try again next month.

hmm.

SPEAKING OF VEGAS.
vegas was good. i came out down, but up with lots of good memories :)
i can't wait for SF this weekend.
finally going back home. been awhile.

FYAP

before heading to Sin City

BBD (BB Dependence #2) ~
i use my BB in my car. yes, i still talk while driving. especially if i'm about to fall asleep on the road. i think it's the lesser of two evils.

ps- so dave chu think it's creepy that i do this. i think that i should. my project is to show society's dependence on technology. if it's creepy, it's creepy. it is what it isss.

for your aural AND viewing PLEASURE!!!

Phoenix - 1901 - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

paris

winter feels like it's finally here, and i can only imagine of how magical it'd be if i was in paris for this particular season.

je le manque.

BB Nation~

I'm gonna try a social experiment.
I'm going to take a picture every time I place my bb somewhere.
The point of this project would be to analyze the kind of culture we live in.
I am assuming that all 13 of you who read my site are dependent on/addicted to some sort of electronic device, whether it be your camera, laptop, cell phone, etc.
I am a crackberry addict. I LOVE my BB.
SO.
I am going to let you readers in on my life. Wherever the BB is, I am.
I will hold nothing back. I have taken my bb to the bathroom ONCE. If ever I decide to do it again, you guys will truly know how disgusting I am. HAHA.
So please. ENJOY :)

my camera is here~

it's a point&shoot canon sd940IS. i'm saving up for a canon rebel xsi & a polaroid camera.
... while i have this one, tho, can anyone teach me how to use various editing programs?
it would be much appreciated :).

the problem with grace chung.

i am a mover. a traveler.
sitting still is very difficult for me.
today i woke up with a very strange thought.
what if i had all the time of the world;
what if i had all the money in the world?
what would i do?
1. buy a canon dslr.
2. buy a polaroid camera.
3. pack ONE suitcase. [floss, (tooth)brush, paste, brush, one long sleeve, one short sleeve, one vest, one jacket, 2 jeans, 2 socks, 2 bras, 2 undies]
4. buy a pair of toms- i hear they're comfy AND goes to a GREAT cause!
5. hop on the next train/plane.
oh, the endless possibilities.
all day everyday i dream of creating.
the next aesthetic pleasure that comes to mind.
my eye tries to catch the light that eludes me, so selfishly.
i want to react, but the darkness pulls me back-
i shiver, unknowingly, from the endless possibilities of being young.
i've experienced so much.
yet i crave for more. so much more.
this gift of life; LIFE!
do you know HOW precious life is and how LITTLE time we have LEFT!?
when you are driving, do you not look up at the sky and feel how SMALL you are!?
don't you want to know what it feels like to FALL into the SKY?
or maybe how to sleep on the sun's rays?
don't you want to know how it feels to be as small as a tick? or as large as an elephant?
don't you want to be the next literary GENIUS?
or the next MOTHER TERESA?
or maybe dive into the blood stream of a junkie and rid him of his impulses?
or hang out with bacteria??
i don't know. maybe i'm just being strange.
... but i can only imagine heaven to be CHOCK FULL of ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.
when we get there, don't bother me.
COME WITH!

FYAP

the worst feeling in the world

... is to KNOW that i'm young, vibrant & single.
... & KNOW that i can go to london & paris (including airfare, hotel & breakfast) for $699.
... & NOT be able to GO.

wanderlust at its worst.
ugggh.

do you know?

- i'm more touched by a sentimental note/card than an extravagant gift.
- i'd rather receive cake than cash.
- i believe in the power of the written word.
- i think happiness is underrated.
- i believe in the power of prayer.
- i love winter bc i don't have to shave as much.
- i turn 22 on the 22nd of this month!
- after my MA i debate between going to fashion school or getting my PsyD/MD (psychiatry).
- i'm starting a paperback library for my children.
- i refuse to let my children watch disney movies save alice in wonderland.
- i love reading blogs.
- i love fringe & lace. lacy fringe/fringed lace? no.
- my favorite two cities in the world are london & paris.
- i would like to have an apartment in nice, france.
- i would like to learn french.
- & quite possibly german.
- i am quite good at the english and/or southern accent when i am drunk.
- my absolute FAVORITE movie is 2 days in paris.
- i am beginning to grow a taste for wine.
- i dislike the holidays... except for thanksgiving. i love thanksgiving.
- i wish i was more proactive in perpetuating my happiness.
- i need to consciously tell myself to stop shopping. my new obsession? the sales rack at UO.
- i realize that i will never be an accessories type of gal.
- sometimes, i do wish i can wear flats.
- i've never set foot into a zara, but want to. quickly.
- i'd rather go blind than deaf.
- i'm reteaching myself to play the piano by ear. it's toughhhhh.
- i LOVE she&him.
- & regina spektor.
- i am taking cj's advice of not being afraid of who you really are to heart. life's too short to be someone else.
- i really. want. a. polaroid. camera.
- i often wonder why i was born human.
- i just discovered allure magazine. it's quite fantastic!
- i also just discovered max tundra. freaking genius.
- if i could choose to be any celebrity in the world, it'd be mary-kate olsen.
- if i could choose to date any celebrity in the world, it'd be joseph gordon-levitt.
- i follow joseph on tumblr.
- i have a tumblr.
- jazz moves me.

is this enough?
do you know me?

LOVES! (+ another FYAP)

Victoria Beckham Q&A with Allure Mag:

Do you want to smell sweet or sexy?

A bit of both. It's nice to be girlie and sweet, but everybody likes to have another side."

Sun or self-tanner?

Sun. I don't self-tan anymore; it's frustrating when people criticize my color. It's the color that I am! I wear sunblock, but I live in a hot climate.

Coffee or tea?

I start off the day with a double espresso. Then i get on the running machine and I run like a bat out of hell.

Pajamas or…?

I tend to wear nothing, but David bought me these little sets from Agent Provocateur, his favorite store.

Salad or fries?

Salad. I'm not going to lie. I'm not one of these people that says, "Oh, I eat hamburgers."

Massage or facial?

I run every day, so a massage is great.

Posh or Victoria?

I'm so respectful of the Spice Girls, and I love all the girls dearly, but it's nice now that people know my name. But either is a compliment. I mean, I've been called a lot worse.

Heels or flats?

I beyond hate ballerina flats - I can't even walk in them. Unless they're on a ballet dancer doing ballet, I just don't get it.

Sex or sleep?

Sex. I'm getting into bed with David Beckham every night, so, you know, there'd be something wrong if I said "sleep."

HAHA. I LOVE THIS GIRL.

i've been given a new lease on life.

i start grad school on jan. 4th.
i'm turning 22 this weekend.
i can't believe i'm getting older, moving on.
i've waited for this day.
thank the LAWD.

i post too much.

i am secretly (or not-so-secretly now) giddy about having the same book as the sartorialist under my 'currently reading' list.
it's Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. i'm almost done with it. comments on the book will come in a subsequent blog, i'm sure.
hehe.

for your aural pleasure-

i stayed up all night

being anxious.
i laid there, wanting to just... come out of my body & whisk away to paris or something.
i thought i was going crazy. my body felt all jittery & was immensely scared of the future.
i hate & love change.
change may bring good, but it may also bring the not-so-good.
i can't prepare myself for change.
i want a clean start without the challenge.
selfishness, thy name is grace chung.

no pain no pain~

i wish p. chi specified as to what KIND OF pain he was referring to when he preached on 'no pain no gain.'
there is a 'without' kind of pain that stems from loneliness.
then there is the kind of pain that was made... a decision, for example, that was bad that could have been easily circumvented if it was more thought-out.
either way, if pain is the prerequisite for gain... i wonder how much pain a person has to go through for any type of gain?

oh fucking shit.

so all of brent's roommates are a band called 'dusty rhodes and the river band.'
i knew they were musicians that churned out some sort of indie music... but i just checked out their myspace & am now starstruck. it'd do them a disservice to call them 'good.'
they bring something completely different, new & exciting to the indie music scene.
& i'm trying to stay AWAY from brent? i'm hanging out with down-to-earth, creative indie rockstars while i'm over at his place? ...that are so open-minded & different than the rest of the idiots i come across everyDAY?
god, this is going to be SO hard.
it'd be even more embarrassing if they googled their named & found this blog.
.........
if so, HEY BRAD! CALL ME! ;)
i WOULD have something for the bassist.
shit, soooooooooooon.
i'm tired. sleepy. but i can't sleep.
i've been feeling jittery for QUITE some time.
i have an interview next week for grad school.
i've become too complacent & now i don't want to get my lazy ass up to actually CONTRIBUTE to society.
AHHAHAHA i guess this means no more 'waterfalls' with corzo shots & staying up 'til 3am talking sex positions.
ok peace OUT.

for your aural pleasure-

Plastic.

Everybody's plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic. -Andy Warhol.

i don't want to be plastic, but damn is it tempting.
if i had enough money to be? who knows.

short & sweet, what a treat!

I LOVE FOOTBALL.
GO CHARGERS.

ok, herrre we go!

i am hoping my free writing will encourage myself to keep writing... or, at least, to edit my grad entrance paper... that is due very soon... i was supposed to have it sent out yesterday, actually. to no avail! ha!
i am planning on finishing this up tomorrow... sigh.
i did some shopping today. why do i do this to myself. i have no monies. really, now. sigh.
i really hope that grad school will keep me busy. less distraction on my hobby. i just like looking, really... & if i can find myself wearing, and it has my size... i am so compulsive. sigh.
i have also started gaining weight.
the more thankful i am with my life, the better food tastes... the more candy i want... gahhhh.
i think i am taking right steps in my life.
i haven't talked to brent in awhile. i rejected his advances... and the less i see of him, the happier i am. really.
... i wish we could just be friends. i love hanging with him, his friends... but i guess it's better this way. it'd be way too easy to fall for him that way too, i think.
sigh.
i am writing in a blog while listening to backstreet. HAHA takes me BACK. i've had a journal since i was... in first grade & have started blogging since i could use the internet/keyboard.
i am addicted to writing. it is the best outlet i've found. writing and shopping... but because writing is free, it has proved to be a better ... option, i guess. ... for lack of a better term.
soooo if i get into this program, i will be starting in january. which means... canceling travel plans & being chained to papers, tests, required reading, etc. for two more years.
i don't know if i'm looking forward to it, but i know it's something i'm willing to do.
ultimately i would love to work in the fashion industry. BUT i don't know if it'd be quite as fulfilling for me...
i think shopping & mixing/matching my clothes would be more of a hobby. the way i feel around clothes... is pretty captivating, i'm not gonna lie. i lose myself in colors, fabrics, trends, etc. ... but once i look God in the face... what can I say? "Lord, I was the most fashionable on the block!?"
i guess i can give myself credit for helping people feel better about themselves... but shouldn't that start from the in-> out?
not that i have to justify anything when I see God. according to the bible, we are holy and blameless in his sight when we accept Jesus as our savior because he DIED die for ALL of our sins.
which doesn't mean i can do anything. anything is permissible but not everything is beneficial, right?
hrm.
the thing is, i have taken a couple psych classes and have been intrigued, but never have i delved so deeply into therapy.
i have always wanted to go into it & i know that i can be good at it... i just hope this is something i want. & if it isn't, then i'd find out more soon than later.
the future is some scary ass shit.
yeah, one step at a time. i get it.
but there are days i go through life just looking around & not paying attention to where i am stepping.
... daydreaming, almost, through life.
going through the motions, holding on to the temporary highs.
at least this will get my brain going, i'll meet new people, & hopefully see the world again.
i REALLY want to see the world.
sigh.
hahah i've been 'sigh'ing a lot. hahahaha. whoooooops.
i don't know what exactly my problem is.
i feel like i know who i am, but i don't.
i do things i like, i am a certain way.....but i just can't sit still. i just can't BE. i need to be active, entertained, ... & if/when i'm not, i'll find a way. usually destructive. i don't know why!
my parents were joking about this story that this guy in england faked his death to see who would come to his wedding.
guess who came?
ONE PERSON- HIS MOMMA.
that got me thinking... who would come to mine!?
i have become a hermit, basically, with no deep wish to touch EVERYONE'S LIVES. i didn't think it was bad... i didn't think the aim of life was to make everyone else happy tooo... but it almost seems relevant because what else do you leave behind besides your legacy?
i don't even know.
i wish i knew.
i wish i knew EVERYTHING. life would be so much simpler, i'd think. but at the same time, everything would become so much more complicated, right? would it be better to let things be or ACT?
i mean, with God behind me, what the hell am i supposed to do?
i don't know how to act 'accordingly.'
in fact, i don't know how to do ANYTHING 'accordingly.'
i find myself to be very awkward & unsure.
i was takling with brent one night when i pulled away from him when he tried to hold my hand.
i have this REALLY big insecurity. i sweat a lot. my hands, especially. his house is super hot. it traps heat. i don't konw why. but i get really hot. & nervuos around him. i think he's super cute.
so i pulled awya...like.. snapped. not slowly or anything. like, crazily. he questioned why i did that. i told him 'my insecurities, i guess...'
and he told me to be more confident! CONFIDENT!
to anyone that knows me, i'm pretty damn confident. cocky sometimes, maybe.
but the first thing that popped into my head was- confident about what??
yes, i have a BA. i have friends. i have lots o' cool clothes & shoes. i've had boyfriends in the past. i have a nice little laptop & a blackberry. a cool CAR. i have everything anyone could ever want/need. i STILL question myself. ALWAYS.
i am insecure, awkward, foolish. it takes GRAND FAILURES to come back to Christ. and when i come back to him, i'm crying. blubbering. asking him to fix this MESS. once ONE little thing goes RIGHT, i go off by myself again.
i have this REALLY BAD napoleon/rebel complex. i HATE the normal; therefore, i must do everything OPPOSITE. except i'm super PUSSY so i don't even FOLLOW THROUGH. when i DO it emotionally destroys me. if i DON'T it emotionally destroys me- i immediately regret.
... i think i have too much time on my hands.
i really think that's the problem.
i hope that when i'm busy... i'll stop overthinking the crap that is the world & move toward a real & happy goal.
i was told today by my dad that if i keep focusing on the world, i would be even more miserable than i am now.
i am not miserable because i am ungrateful. i'm not miserable because i have no friends, clothes on my back, food on the table, etc. i'm miserable becaues i observe, too much, everything & everyone around me & overthink. when you really sit & look at the world, you will find it is very ugly.
VERY ugly.
people are ugly. people will do mean, foolish, etc. things that tragically affect others in the same way. people are born into unfortunate circumstances or will find themselves in a very sad state because the world is telling them that it's ok to be a failure.
lies are the foundation of america& what runs it.
i need to stop looking at the world, but i'm already so set in my ways!
i'm extremely observant aboout everything, i'm extremely stubborn, i'm extremely analytical & judgemental.
how do i spin this positively?
ok, i'm done.
i'm spent.
congrats to whoever read through this WHOLE THINGGGGGGGGG.
*applause
ps- i need to get my hands on some hawt acid-wash jeanssssssssssss. wanna go shopping? ;]
PPS- JIMMY CHOOS OUT IN H&M STORES ON THE FOURTEEEEEEEEENTH!!!!!!!!!!! get 'em while they're hot, girls.

Currently Reading

"At that moment, when the world around him melted away, when he stood alone like a star in the heavens, he was overwhelmed by a feeling of icy despair, but he was more firmly himself than ever. That was the last shudder of his awakening, the last pains of birth. Immediately he moved on again and began to walk quickly and impatiently, no longer homewards, no longer to his father, no longer looking backwards." --Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

i realized i should have prefaced my emo post....................

(thank you jess&dave for the texts, btw :D)

as a 21yearold, i didn't want to live life without any regrets.
SO, i went out & did what any 21yo does- party, booze, know boys, stay out, etc.
... but i also realized that i do not want to live my life this way.
i had a little stint of this when i was in england; there i wanted to test God's love & patience for me. at one point, i was still drunk in my room (no need to drive there!) & i had written such poignant words in my journal.
i forgot i've written them until the next day. it reads something along the lines of ...there are chains to sin. living a life of complete hedonism is not something i want to invest in...
& i thought i walked away from it all.
a brutal breakup with a boyfriend (say that 3x fast), though, led me into a ... i'm gonna enjoy my single life!! phase where... i am, quite frankly, sick of now.

the blog post was written as a reminder to myself... a reminder that through my drunken nights, calls, etc... i didn't really find myself. ... i lost it.
my values, principles, identity, was quickly stolen from me as i thought 'living life' was temporarily altering reality & doing with it as i please.

now that 22 is looming ahead... i want to put that past behind. i know i'm not old, mature, etc. but i am hoping that the past year has made me that much wiser.
i still have to grow so much & i know there will be many challenges in my life... but isn't identifying the problem half the battle?

22yrWISHLIST.

so close

to losing myself.
lord, save me.

do you know that song?

shawty's like a melody in my head...
na na na na, everyday, like an ipod stuck on replayyy

it's actually semi-melodic!
anyway.

i've been addicted to that song for a good 2-3 weeks.
grosssssssssss, right!???

WRONG. it's so fun.
especially y'all closet "party in the USA" fans: don't judge me.

heheeeeeeeeee.
i wonder who he's singing about.
he's probably singing about me.
PROBABLY.

let's talk philosophy!

i'm at a point in my life where i want to make the decision to live recklessly or to not.
for most of you that know me, i am not a very 'average' person.
i'm either, go HARD or go HOME.
i don't like to live an average life.
so here is my problem:
i have an enigma of a boy that i hang out with. he is very cute, very funny, very artsy... everything that i enjoy in a person. we fiddle with his camera, watch stupid comedies on his tv and try to make the stonehenge out of cookie dough.
we stay up all night drinking mike's hard lemonade and make bad decisions together.
we go out to restaurants only to order the most obscure things & make fun of the people staring at us because we are an 'interracial' ... thing.
we have discussions as to what we like, dislike, belive in, and don't believe in. we have discussions as to how cute/annoying his puppy is & as to why we can't be too involved in each others' lives.
we don't understand each other at all and we are simply ok with that.
the more that i hang out with this person, tho, the more i enjoy my life & thus, the more i fall for him.
we are, were, never will be meant to be together.
i can NOT think of raising a family with him & spending the rest of my life with him.
he drives me crazy in a good way AND bad.
so is it worth it to continue seeing him?
i can either continue seeing him, be hurt, and learn to move on, again, from a bruised heart.
OR
i can stick it out now and stop talking to him, giving up a life that i enjoy so that i can, what... be ok? continue living my life now?
i love my life now. but he adds to my life now.
now comes the question of "God's plan."
i only put that phrase in quotations because i, in all honesty, do not know as to which route to take.
i can either--
a. continue hanging out with him. jesus makes all for good. i do believe it. in any bad situation there is a positive. maybe i will learn my lesson. maybe i will make better decisions in the future due to what happened.
b. stop hanging out with him. & ... be patient? apparently what i want can be bad for my (emotional) health. but what God provides can be 100x better than what i had.
either way there is a gamble.
should i... be happy now, be hurt, and be happy later?
or be without, be happy later?
both end with happy endings (snicker), but which risk am i willing to take?
i hate boredom & waiting. which has brought me to a pain-stakingly HARD decision to make.
maybe it's time to cultivate a vaccine for boredom & learn to be patient.
maybe it's time for me to grow up.
i think i've made my decision. but damn it all it ain't gon' be fun fo' awhileee.

matters of consequence

it's cruel how normally life goes on when mine has suddenly stopped.
'tis a cruel world indeed.

obama asks moms to return to school

is the title of the fb advert on the side of my page...
underneath it is a dancing shadow.
i don't get it...

beauty

They seemed to say that they owed me nothing, that their deafness had provided me with a moral goal, that it had been my duty to struggle, to suffer, to bear--for their sake--whatever sneers, contempt, injustice, torture they chose to inflict upon me, to bear it in order to teach them to enjoy my work, that this was their rightful due and my proper purpose. And then I understood the nature of the looter-in-spirit, a thing I had never been able to conceive. I saw them reaching into my soul, just as they reached into Mulligan's pocket, reaching to expropriate the value of my person, just as they reach to expropriate his wealth--I saw the impertinent malice of mediocrity boastfully holding up its own emptiness as an abyss to be filled by the bodies of its betters--I saw them seeking, just as they seek to feed on Mulligan's money, to feed on those hours when I wrote my music and on that which made me write it, seeking to gnaw their way to self-esteem by extorting from me the admission that they were the goal of my music, so that precisely by reason of my achievement, it would not be they who'd acknowledge my value, but I who would bow to theirs... It was that night that I took the oath never to let them hear another note of mine.

---

i have inexplicable thoughts & they drive me absolutely nutty.

HAHAHAHAAH.

is it bad that i thought of my friends when i saw this.

:)

don't you have those times when

you sit back, relax & sigh... realizing that you are just lucky to be alive?
when i was young, i always complained about being short.
even now, sometimes i complain about being short [esp. when i am drizzunk].
being eye level to most peoples' boobs & having to sniff that BO is no cakewalk, BELIEVEEE ME!
whenever i complained, though, my dad always responded with a 'at least you have legs.'
or a 'at least you have feet.'
& i always thought that those were inappropriate answers... most people do have legs and feet!
... looking back, i'm glad he said what he said.
why am i bitching and moaning. seriously. what GOD AWFUL situation am i in that i can complain?
i have a healthy body [which i CONSTANTLY take advantage of, but thank GOD!], a wonderful family, wonderful friends, wonderful opportunities...
what MORE could i want?
OBVIOUSLY i could have more SHOES... but that's not what i'm talking about.
every day i have, in my power, to do something different. not a day goes by where i have to work at mcdonalds 9-5 bc i have 8 crying kids at home and a dog to feed.
i have flexible hours, monies in the bank [not much, but still there] and youth.
seriously.
what more could i ask for.
nex stop? PARIS!

i hate

that i deleted all my past blogs/xangas/etc.
frustrationnn.
i want to revive them! sucks.
oh well.
gotta move on, i guess :).
FRIDAY TOMORROW.

:D

most lawyers in this office have very hearty laughs.
it makes me giggle inside everytime i hear them.
hehe.

"hi grace. thought of you today. just wanted to say hi."
-Oct 7, 2009 9:35:40 PM
[unknown number]

Atlas Shrugged

"On an evening in December--when the street beyond his window was like a congested throat coughing with the horns of pre-Christmas traffic--Rearden sat in his room at the Wayne-Falkland Hotel, fighting an enemy more dangerous than weariness or fear: revulsion against the thought of having to deal with human beings."

lesson learned!

it had to take nonchristians to point me back to christ.
for every one there is a purpose.

rough drafts

with every final drafts come multiple rough drafts.
i hated when people made it such a big deal to emphasize the bouts of 'rough drafts' our lives seem to go through. i mean, what is the final draft? our final bodies in heaven?
why can't there be a time in an individual's life where he or she is ever so fully content with life?
in this world, people say such states of mind does not exist. there is always a goal. always a check-point. once that point is reached, the individual is to reach higher, or further, than his or her previous destination.
all the greats argue that an able mind (whether it be logically or artistically) must be challenged at every cost.
so where does that leave us?
are we to run our whole lives & sleep when we're dead?
is this the fate of mankind? is it not this banality that rushes our looming death to come closer & closer?
or are these challenges the "veni vidi vici"s of our lives that keep us trucking? are accomplishments supposed to define an individual (apart from the spiritual aspect, of course)? when did this obsession with leaving a legacy become a thing of the present?
---
honestly, i am never really happy with my state of mind.
even as i read through the history of this blog, i find myself cringing at what i've written.
i have let my past define me- all my previous blogs are filled with thoughts that have been written with clarity... decadence... a poised, skilled hand.
i am fidgeting as i write this. i am twirling my hair, pausing (very awkwardly) every so often while typing out the words that i am trying to string together to make sense, and wondering where my mind has been for the past couple of months.
i am trying to keep active, alert, but the contentment that i am searching for alludes me.
i'm learning, growing. i wonder if these are growing pains.
i AM finding myself, finding the gospel to be unusually enriching and learning to cope with the daggers and blessings that life has for me.
yet i look at the novel i'm writing, the grad app i'm to be working on, and the words fail me.
i have become the student. i have forgotten how to manipulate the letters i so loved to perfect my thoughts and to clearly convey my emotions.
i have become a trainwreck of a writer & that deeply saddens me.
i can criticize & critique all the fuck i want, but if i can't deliver...
what does that make me?
i am too young to give up on this now. i need a healthy vice.
i want to write my triumphs and trials beautifully, in the way only i can.
to live simply & to write elaborately is the goal for the upcoming 2010.
tis october & i feel the autumn wind brush up against my cheeks & they glow with happiness.
i can't wait for the festivities! the hot apple cider, the thanksgiving specials, the warmth of a heated house & the aromas that seem to fill the air.
screw halloween! i want my turkey!

loveee

me: it's so weird. all my friends are so art-y. what does that makee me? the only left-brained ...
dad: no, you're a writer! why don't you write anymore!?
me: ...

no good answer.
herrrre i goooo!

jewels

i LOVE jewelry.
esp the ones i call friends& family.
i love & appreciate every jewel in my life.
yayyy <3
:)

i have love.

do you know how i know my friends & family love me?
they tell me that i have taken a turn for the worst.
i used to be different. more carefree, more trusting, less guarded, less princess.
i put myself out there.
do you know what happened?
i was shred to pieces.
friendships, relationships, any type of -ship i was involved in failed.
i would consider this my 'job' moment. throughout these -ship shits, i was told constantly to leave God & make my own way.
i tried. desperately. i clung to my status as a human being (only superior to other mammals, apparently, because of our oppositional thumbs) as reason enough to journey alone.
how wrong i was.
i have slowly begun to notice what ugliness has taken residence in the very core of my being. it's repulsive. i shared such views with a friend & my mom. they agreed with me.
i find it wise that they did not share with me their opinions for i would regard them as such- just opinions & consequently, i would not really listen.
i'm glad they waited.
this is where i am finally realizing how virtuous patience really is.
& with their undivided support, i can truly find myself again... this time, i'd stop listening to that little voice in my head that shouts that opposite thumbs are reason enough to rationalize my way through life.
for when did life ever become rational?
anyway, i'd start listening to the gospel- with my mind, heart & soul.
how very loved i am.

wandering eyes

there is an office right across from me with two women who make a living moving hospitals.
really, you read right. just... physically re-locating hospitals.
i am a little on-edge right now because i am THIS CLOSE to finishing a grad app and i'm procrastinating. HAHA.
so i look right across to their office & what do i see?
a plastic head of a bald eagle perfectly positioned on a square, wooden slab.
JUST the head. & it's looking right at them.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
oh, lord. that made my day.
i think if i stare at it long enough, it'll creep me out... but i can't look away. it's... THERE.
-___-
yayyy for grad school in jan? hopefully? if i get in? if i don't, screw it. i'm seroiusly applying to FIDM and finding myself a band of beautiful gay men that will make me laughhhh my life awayy~~

ciao.

growing up

i hate the idea of growing up.
growing up requires growing responsibilities, growing stress, and growing ... growing.
the idea of physically growing has escaped me yet the ever-gnawing 'i've got to grow up' in my mind has been gnawing at me for quite some time.
i don't know why i have this obsession with growing up.
for anyone that knows me, they know i say weird things, make foolish decisions and am very reckless with my time and money.
i know that everyone's life, experiences, etc. are different... somehow, though, i have this faint notion that i will appreciate everything i go through once i've fully matured, grown up.
i always reflect back on who i am and am not very happy.
i like lists. here is a list that i'm not so proud of-
- i'm very temperamental. moody.
- believe my opinions to be fact.
- extremely impatient.
- always expect perfection.
- lazyyy.
- confused.
- judgmental.
- unforgiving of stupidity.
- oh and the list goes on.
i know that nobody can reach perfection, but i wish to get close.

the onliest

it's rare that i find time for myself to sit on my bed with just me, myself & i. i always find time to clutter my mind... but what exactly does that do for me? i feel as if it's like sand between my toes- a little sand doesn't reallly bother me at first... but once the sand starts accumulating, i freak out. i hate being dirty.
this is my freakout moment.
i used to put aside time for myself... myself & God. usually with pen & a paper... i just write right what's on my mind, what i'm feeling, what i want to do with my life, why my life is perfect just the way it is, right now.
i have stopped- cluttered it with useless & mindless information and facts that will never come to light & help impact someone's life.
i look at others & ALWAYS wonder how they got to that point... & when i am sitting here wondering... i forget to lead my own reckless life.
i'm really good at stepping back & observing the situation.
i'm really bad at getting back in the game. i'm not exactly sure as to why... i was always so timid. i can blame it on my parents, i can blame it on how i grew up... but really. how old am i? shouldn't i be able to determine my own course?
growing up is hard to do. something i have to consciously do- something i have to work at. something i am going to have to cultivate.
it's unsettling really.
it'd be nice not to.
i have friends going to lse, and i thought that was the coolest thing ever. i felt very jealous. i so desperately want to go back to england. the nostalgia kills me sometimes. the freedom, the vast array of people, personalities, the professors, the country... everything was so magical. the times were times of life & love. even in times where i sat in my dorm room, listening to the rain & writing an essay... i was so happy. so so happy.
but i figure... if i really want to go back, i'd make it happen!
... so that's not what's desperately bothering me.
oh!
la is burning. the ash frightens and saddens me.
i'm applying to one grad school. one that is not internationally known, one that is not overrated, one that does not come with an 'ahh' when you tell someone.
... & i'm ok with it.
i just wish eveyrone else was too.
i don't like when people impose themselves in my life.
can you not do that please? thanks.
it's late. i should be going to bed, but i have a lot of thoughts. not necessarily good or deep ones... just ones that buzz around in your brain like those annoying socal fruit flies. ugh. great.

a little reminder to myself

1 John 4:13-19
By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.
And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God.
So we have come to know and to believe that love that God has for us.
God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.
For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
We love because he first loved us.

No one's favorite Beatle is Ringo Starr!

If I could capture what I would want my life to look like in retrospect; it would look like the song, 'Here Comes the Sun.'
George Harrison FTW.

lvoe?

: i've learned to type without my index finger and thumb because of eating hot cheetros

lol


cold water, hot cheetos, cream cheese, smiles, bubbles, elijah, blogging, gchat, singing, acting, chatting, bonding, loving, jokes (clean & dirty), new clothes, hot shoes, cell phones, sandals, FOOD, etc.

what do we, as a society, really learn how to do (&/or sacrifice) so that certain wants & needs are met?
(actions do not need to be grandiose. ... it can be as simple as learning to type without zee index finger & thumb to eat YUMMY hot cheetos.)
i really WONDER!

friendship

i have this friend that i am in constant contact with.
i text her, call her, eat with her.
she's always a listening ear & sometimes, a sound voice of reason.
she laughs with me, bitches with me, cries with me.
she encourages me in my faith & understands when i make mistakes.
she opens my eyes to different points of view but allows me to be myself.
she welcomes my critiques but stays an individual.
now that i know and enjoy her, i would be really sad without her in my life.
& yet through all this,
i have finally come to understand what it means to enjoy most the creator & not his creations.
& through that realization we are free.

i think

i want to know everyone's story b/c i want to know that i'm not going at it alone.

the office

- contrary to popular belief, the women at the office do use the first stall to their right. right next to the sinks.
- paper cuts are not uncommon here. neither are shredding accidents. just kidding.
- secretly, half of the phone calls made on these phones are to a person just three feet away. they're just in a different room/cubicle & the caller doesn't want to get up. ... that or there's some yelling action going on.
- it's always fucking cold.
- neon yellow, green, purple, pink, blue sticki notes provide the wallpaper to dreary off-white/eggshell paint colors with olive green and mahogany brown trimming.
- a classy roach coach rolls around every now & then to provide culture to the WASPS here.
- you know how people are abducted by those nasty lookin' alien things in the beginning of hitchiker's guide? we have a secretary here that looks exactly like it. EXACTLY. come over & seeeeeee.
- pasadena roads are unbearable. people need to go BOTH WAYS.
- we are situated right across the church heidi and spencer got married in. huzzah!
- there are an unnatural count of gay lawyers in this office. i think one is shacking up with a gay secretary. the only male secretary.
- my jewish eye candy is leaving at the end of august. tear*

i think

people need not be so sensitive.
c'est la vie.

epiphany?

i just had the most life-clearing moment.
i need to have these more often.
thank you <3.

tired.

i'm a little tired of the 9-5 grind. honestly.
i don't even come in from 9-5. the kind of work i do i can do at home OR i can finish in one time frame and leave.
when i sit here waiting for something to do is when i go craziest.
watching dog whisperer, i think i found what my problem is.
according to caesar(sp?), dogs only go crazy when they don't have enough release.
so i ask my friends... why am i going crazy; why do i feel so antsy? why do i feel such pent-up energy?
... i sit here at my desk and wait. and wait and wait and wait.
and do some filing, copying, emailing... & wait. no release. just... bottled up... energy...
i think i really need to find an acting gig soon. it will be jumpstarted this friday. yayyy!
that or people can give me money so i can DO things i've always wanted to do.
have crepes in france, climb some mountains, take djing classes, you know. the usual. craziness. haha.
zee endddddddddddd.

freedom

there are limits to being "free."
one cannot be completely "free" without encroaching on another's "freedom."
i put "freedom" in quotation marks because the term is often misconstrued.
"freedom" is not anarchy.
there is freedom in christ. one that i have yet to tap into. the "freedom" that i allowed myself this past weekend is only bearable through the hope that god gives me - that everything in my life will come to good terms for those who love him.
i made mistakes. sometimes, i wish i wasn't human.
and sometimes, i wish humans acted more human - by either acting more civilized... or not.
i wish there wasn't a standard. and for this time only, i wish life could go a tiny bit faster.

the breakup

i really like this movie.
i really like that [SPOILER!!] they don't stay together.
i like real.
reality.
sometimes it sucks... but sometimes... just, sometimes... reality can be so much better than anything else.
i don't know where i am right now.
i feel like i'm in limbo. purgatory. i am in a very good place in life right now- i am beyond blessed, there are FINALLY good people around me and i am free to do whatever i want and be whoever i want to be...
but there is that calm before the storm... i know something's going to happen; life is going to throw a fastball... and i'm questioning myeslf- what if i can't handle it? what if i break other people while trying to hit it?
i'm nervous in anticipation.
man, being tired & by myself can conjure up some weeeiirdd ass thoughts.

this weekend was very blog worthy.
too bad i don't have a cool picture or a witty theme.
my mind is still catching up to alll the events that happened. here is a very short list.
- hanging out with helen diep <3
- getting a second set of piercings in my ears!!
- eating legit english food in santa monica w/ a legit english friend <3
- meeting chinese australians.
- meeting a whole bunch of chicago-ans. haha.
- spending an ENTIRE DAY at the beach <3 ... this time around, i really didn't have to gaze out into the ocean for the sense of wonder and excitement; older friendships were deepened and new friendships were formed!
- meeting ARCADIANS!! holla! :D
- fireworks :)
- a GOOD MESSAGE + my parents' first visit to E3 :D
- CHICAGO STYLE PIZZA!!!!!!!!
- dancing... HEHE

... there was a LOT of feeling, thinking, dancing, drinking, loving, hating (hehe only few people would get this), socializing, LAUGHING, wondering, healing, etc.

can't wait for the next week. :)

Perfection

You got me walkin' on the moon

I love Alice.
One of the main reasons why I love Alice is because I identify with her all day, every day.
This world is a mess.
A hot mess, sorry.
There is beauty, pain, joy, depression, love, loss, hate, ...
I constantly feel like I'm walking around in a wonderland- Nothing makes sense, and senses mean nothing.
My eyes fool me, people lie... It's all a distraction, an illusion.
I don't know what to believe, what to feel. Once I make a plan of action, how should I go about doing it?
Which way is the right way?

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle! --Alice.

The Prodigal Son

I am obsessed with beauty. I like to see beauty in everything, everyone.
... but when life suddenly begins to rear its ugly head, and all I want to do is hide... I am paranoid, completely beside myself with fear.
It's like in the movie Anaconda, King Kong. The travelers see magnificent beauty in everything that surrounds them; when the monsters decide on their appearance, however, the beauty is snuffed out. Life begins. It is a race to survival now; beauty has taken a backseat to the sweet, sweet struggle for life.
Why I describe a struggle as sweet? That's when character and personality are molded; values are quickly placed into a hierarchy, love IS the answer, and life, as we know it, hangs on a delicate balance (and if able to survive, will never be taken advantage of again) - if that is not sweet, what is?
I especially like this picture because it is brooding, dark, mysterious. This is the kind of beauty I want to see. Life not so much as a horror film, but one of a subtle enigmatic alley. It does feel scary, but I cannot but help appreciate how that lamppost gives only a given area of light. And when I step out of that light, I really don't fall off the edge of the earth, I can look back and see what was and continue on to what can be.

P.S.- The Prodigal Son did not have any relation to my post at all. I deemed it appropriate because I was originally a blogger who strayed to Xanga. I thought I'd give blogger a shot again. Why? To start new? Fresh? No. Just for fun :)