the pursuit of happyness

i'm supposed to be writing a paper about 'change.'
how do YOU deal with change? what IS change to you?
i don't deal with change well. when something rocks my boat, i freak. i freak and immediately look for solutions. one would think this was healthy. ... but it's not.
experience has taught me that purely being in the midst of change can change you. fiercely looking for solutions may help. it mayn't. BUT. reflection on what is changing and how to adapt, i think, is very healthy. i lack the reflection part. i spring immediately into action. in most cases, this attribute is good. in cases such as change, not so much.
i'm ok with change. i just wish i knew how to handle it better.

the point of this blog post, though, was that when most people change, they change to be happy.
whether the change equates to clothes, personality, significant others, etc. the change is geared toward a positive outcome. however, due to the nature of human beings, positive outcomes are few and far between. we are a self-destructing race. if good things are happening, we are apprehensive. we feel like, maybe due to the cycle of life, the bad is going to come soon. therefore, it is highly unlikely that we will fully tap into that happiness. however, when shit happens... well, shit happens.

the point of my stream of conscious is that people change because they want good to happen in their lives. even if the change is to come to us, we make a decision beforehand that brings the change onto us. for example, i went to a party last night and met some friends. some changes might come about in my life because of the decision to go to one party.

decisions, decisions. collisions, collisions. amazing how life works. amazing how God works.

i write in a stream of conscious and it gets ugly. sorry. i'm going to save my little grey cells for my actual paper. ... which i soon hope to write. yayyy.

learned misplaced happiness

what i learned about myself this week
1. i have a bad habit of thinking i know everything. or have seen everything. or have heard everything.
'tis never true! my eyes are slowly being opened to a new type of world.
(i.e. one of the students in my psychopathology class works at hope, has two children [one around my age], is a single mom, and is currently dating. oh, and she smokes. for some reason, i thought all white christians were super legalistic. i'm sure there are many that are, but notice i used all. hm. MY BAD!)
2. i was SO not ready for grad school. yeaaaaaaaap.
3. i don't mind my job so much anymore.
4. i love what i'm studying!!!!! diagnosing is like putting together people puzzles. i love it.
5. i am a collector! who knew!? of fabulous shoes, shirts and sexy sexy music.

misplaced happiness
i think the notion of "if you're happy, there can't be something wrong" is ... wrong.
i think there's such a thing as misplaced happiness.
i haven't gone so far as to elaborate that thought... but it sort of came to me listening to you like me too much by the beatles.

perhaps i shall elaborate on the thought later.

for now i am going to sit back, relax & talk to my boy on the phone :) ta-taaaaaaaa!

literal

i have a literal thorn in my flesh.
a physical ailment.
aside from that, i am appalled as to how many times i use the word 'i.'
i guess it's normal to do so in a blog, but wowza!

you say you want a revolution...

lazy days

do you ever have those days when your brain is just lazy?
you sit in front of the computer knowing there is always something ...
buuut as much as you want to finish whatever is plaguing your mind, the will to do so is just... not there?
i have a sort of nagging feeling with me all the time.
i don't know what it is.
i want to say it's school.
i want to say it's le boy.
i want to say it's living at home.
i want to say it's because i feel like i can't breathe when i'm not leaving near a beach.
i want to say it's because i, seriously, am broke. no joke.
i want to say it's because i haven't gone shopping in too long. withdrawal?
i want to say it's because i can't go to coachella. FUCK
i hope i know what it is soon so i can get rid of it.
i miss the rain already.

i hate the way i write.
hate it so much.






that's the way the sun hits the top of our neighbor's house when it sets.
i can't get over how beautiful that burnt orange is. i normally HATE the color orange.
that orange, though... i would never get tired of looking at it. & the way it contrasts the sky?
mmhm.

oh pioneer, oh pioneer.

in this very moment, someone...
- has been robbed
- has left on a plane to the unknown
- died
- gave birth
- had their first orgasm
- was terrified to find out they were preggos
- was elated to find out they were preggos
- was proposed to
- was deinstitutionalized and took their first step out of jail/the psych house/etc.
- broke their leg
- broke someone else's leg
- bought their first car
- bought their first motorcycle
- got handed their license
- received a gift in the mail (me! :D; THANK YOU, DAVID CHU <3 <3 <3)
- realized their love for someone
- realized their hatred for someone
- accepted christ
- denied christ
- had their house foreclosed
- stubbed their toe

i could go on and on and on and on and on and on and onnnn.

... while i sit here at an office desk staring at the paperwork that needs to be put away.

what a trip.

class was canceled today, though. yipeeeee!

scandalous?

you know society has gone to shit when the temporal begins to have staying power.

hyyerr

i just had a breakthrough moment for myself while studying.
i HATE talking about my feelings.
i can talk about everything & anything. cars, philosophy, MUSIC, love.
... but the minute people ask me what i feel (minus clothes//shoes)?
PAZ.
i know why i'm like this.
do other people have to know, too?

decisions, decisions

there come points in my life where i feel like i am at a complete stand still.
i imagine myself looking at two roads, both leading off into the sunset.
the day is bright and the sun is shining happily down at me. i am walking out of a forest and the trees shake, anticipating which road i am going to take.
the air is clear and the weather is crisp.
i am on top of a hill.
i look down and see the worlds of opportunities at my feet.
and my mind is cloudy, fuzzy, fearful.
i don't lead my life with my heart so feelings get muddled. i'm not quite sure as to how to handle them.
logic does nothing for me in these situations.
i thought i knew how to handle my emotions, but i was wrong.
so so wrong.
now i'm left with this beating heart. beating beating beating.
what to do with it, i don't even know.

i heart

i can't even begin to describe the wonders of the heart.
how it can feel so much and so little baffles me.
the way it twists and turns. the way it confuses the hell out of me. the way it elates me, the way it consumes me.
the way it annoys me, the way it questions me, the way it pushes/pulls me in directions i am extremely wary of.
the way it lashes out at me, the way it hides me to the world. the way it hates, the way it loves.
the way it burns, the way it melts, the way it freezes.
i can't even begin to imagine the direction it will take me next.

christians are told not to follow your heart, to follow christ.
if christ is in your heart, is it ok?
it sounds like the most senseless question... but in reality, it is a daily struggle for me.

a key component to my personality is that i am down for anything.
i don't want to regret a single thing in my life & welcome (mis)adventures.
at the same time, i do want to guard my heart.
in what world can i meld these two passions together?

before diving into my schoolwork, again.

schoolwork has become a welcoming nuisance.
i don't like having a regular schedule because i am pretty ADD. haha. i like to be intrigued AT ALL TIMES... which isn't particularly healthy, but eh. what can ya do.
after retreat, i can only be thankful.
that's what comes to mind.
so thankful.
thankful for my rational mind, for my always curious heart, my sense of wonder, my friends, family, possessions, my reality, my hopes, dreams, my ability to GO to school (financially AND physically), this laptop...
i really CAN'T complain.
i think i am the most thankful when i am the busiest.
getting things done, i think, is the call of man. (wo)men feel most accomplished and most like themselves when completing something with their own two hands.
fortunately for me, i have rest and happiness in what i do.
i do what i do because i love it, not because i want to leave a dying impression on this decaying world.
i need to tap into reality more often.
the bane of my existence is keeping my head in the clouds.
it's fun, it's an escape; it should not be used to live.
when you see my head in the clouds, please pull me down.

well,

he held onto it as long as he could.
god help him.

i really like crossing things off my checklist.
:)

second post

i am incredibly shallow.
i need to grow the FUCK up.

there. done.

that needed to be said.

i have moved on

... to incredibly exciting/anxious/curious pastures.

i guess there does need to be the dull moments to open one's eyes to, well, everything else.

strange

it feels strange to be seeing someone again.
what is even stranger is the feeling i have for this one.
i like him. ... & it feels ok.
he makes me feel ok. i feel comfortable with him.
i don't feel rushed, i don't feel like it's going too slow.
it's steady.
i haven't had this kind of relationship, ever.
i like trying out new things :)

2010

there are two qualities i want to foster this year.

1. confidence
2. gumption

now when people pray for qualities such as these, i can't imagine God to be the type to give. well, not give outright anyway. i can't say i'm fully prepared for this year. i definitely am not. i do know that each year brings its hardships, though. and if God allows, i would not be mad if he allows struggles that help foster some confidence and courage in me.

i'm scared shitless but damn, it's gonna be one hell of a ride. yeE!

i

feel like i put myself out there more than i should.
more often than not i get burned.

BUT.

here's to a good year.
i think 2010 will be good. i can feel it in my bonezzz.z