thankful.

i watched catfish yesterday.
i walked in the theater thinking it was a summer horror flick.
the basis of the movie was that an individual met a girl over Facebook & it led to an online romance.
after discovering several inconsistencies in her stories, he drove to michigan to see her.
the movie ended with a woman.

this woman struck me in so many ways.
my heart broke as i sat in the theater thinking of how lonely someone must be to act and do as she did.
i could not imagine living her life, for fear of suffocation (and soon, death).
i sat there wondering how and why someone could let themselves go so.
i also sat there thinking how depraved any life must be without the hope that is Jesus.

the more i am uncovering and delving deeper into what true happiness is, the more my heart breaks when i see people turn a blind eye to what could be.

i had a conversation with a friend recently and i told him "do whatever makes him happy."
he was particularly unhappy with my response, but i thought that answer was completely satisfactory.
i think happiness gives room for failure and despair.
one cannot make the leap without fear.

the more i am realizing what it is like to be fearless, the more envious i am of those that have already embraced it. i long for a maturation where i can see people as Jesus sees them.
i long for a time when seeing beauty in life does not come as an explicit choice.
i long for a time when i wake up with the thought of Jesus and go to sleep with the very same thought.
i long for a time when studying relationships will not jade me, but give me hope for humanity.
i long for a time when i will understand the hardships of others.
i long for a time when i will see people for who they are, and love them nonetheless.


the movie ended with a story about catfish.
catfish are put in with the rest of the drones of fish to keep the fish on their toes; so as to keep the rest of the fish alive longer (while on the trip to different parts of the world, where... they will be dead & eaten anyway).
i like to think of myself as one of the catfish.
but i find myself doubting sometimes.

"why can't i be like her?" is a question that has been perpetually eating up my mind for a very very long time.
i don't understand why i am the way i am, or why i choose to respond to certain situations in whatever way i decide.
most of the time, i hate my decisions.

i guess what i'm trying to say is learning to love myself has become a long and arduous journey.
yet i am still thankful.