self-efficacy

i have two papers to write tonight. not that these papers have to be long, but these papers need to be thought out.
to, perhaps, encourage the creative juices to flow, i thought i might write some personal thoughts on the concept of 'self-efficacy.'
it's funny that i was assigned to write on such a topic because just yesterday i was told not be so ... independent.

at this point in my life, i thought the 'can do' attitude was absolutely imperative in my life to achieve what i have to achieve. going to a smaller school, i made it a personal mission to graduate top of my class (or, at least, top 3). i have a B+ in one of my classes and i am shaken to the bone.
i have dependence issues. i hate dependence. being dependent or seeing someone so dependent disgusts me. i feel a perpetual, compelling need to be independent and ABLE to take care of myself.

i have two reasons, so far, as to why i feel this way.
the first reason comes in the form of my last relationship. i was very dependent on this person and it blew up in my face. i thought that's what guys wanted- the damsel in distress. haha. well, i got that one alright. i was definitely in distress... after we broke up. the breakup got me thinking, though... what is it that I want to be in a relationship? in the journey to answer this question, i thought it perfect to collect myself first. what people haven't told me so explicitly, though, is thinking of myself NEVER STOPS. people are inherently self-centered. even to help others, one is to help one's self.
the second reason comes in the form of my current career goals. to be a therapist, i should have my life in some form of order. it is unfair of me to ask my clients to be or do certain things while i am doing just the opposite. therefore, i was even more driven to handle myself, and handle myself well.

the secret to going crazy, though, is thinking everything can be done on one's own.

sunday proved to be such a day. i cracked. i cracked in front of one, or maybe two, people. i was frustrated with myself, my life, and the choices i've made thus far. i felt like i was doing everything 'wrong' and feeling frustrated that i just can't seem to be 'right.'

beautiful thought, though: i don't always have to be right. 

while i was enjoying the BEAUTIFUL day with a dear friend, she stuck out her arm to me. she told me to grab her arm. i did so. in the process of doing so, she grabbed mine. now, she told me to let go of her arm. while i let go, her grip was still very firm on mine. she then told me to grab hold of her arm, once again. i did so. she told me then to let go. i let go. through all this time, her arm was steadily gripped on mine.
my arm never left her fingers' grasp.
this was an illustration to show that whether i "can do" things or not, God can. i will try and try again... and fail.
i will continue to make bad choices, i will continue to be frustrated beyond belief, i will continue... to be and do things that i will not be completely happy about... but why stress? worry? really, self-efficacy is not ME, self-efficacy is the jesus IN me.
i am slowly... slowly... EVER SO PAINFULLY learning.
i can have faith and be taken care of. i can not have faith and be taken care of. fact of the matter is, my Father has always got my back.

i can only live in the present. i can only go so far. i am merely human. the beautiful thing about that is, so is everyone else.