old maid?

recently i've been staying in more on the weekends.
this is due to the fact that my LIFE (school, social network, etc.) is in the OC & i simply just DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.
i fill up twice a week regardless of going out (just commuting to school/church is eating my soul)& spending those two hours commuting is such a waste of TIME (TIME = MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!).
but, i've still been happy.
granted, i don't have the ideal situation as a 22 year old (living with the parents, err... living with the parents, mostly) but i really can't complain.
well, no, that's a lie. i do complain. and i'm SO THANKFUL for the person hearing the brunt of it :)
i don't pay rent, utilities, and groceries and well, that's a good chunk of change.
so i thought to myself... WOW, i am beginning to hermit myself again (i do so from time to time for no reason. i don't know why!).
but, i'm okay with that.
staying home forces me to relax (which i haven't had much of recently) and calm down. breathe. read a book, soak in the tub, etc.
it's nice.
well, that's what i tell myself anyway so as to not feel like an old maid ;)

i think

i think writing comes more naturally when one is unhappy.
actually, i think creativity comes more naturally when one is unhappy.
i don't believe i have ever been awestruck by a creative work done by a very happy person.
and for those that are continually creative, i can only assume that they are perpetually unhappy.
i am the type to be more attracted to the dark, the unhappy, the desolate.
i think this is because i believe there is a certain type to life in unhappiness. that, although an individual may feel that her soul is slowly decaying & her breath is slowly leaving her, it's almost a rebirth.
in actuality, a person will tend not to physically die. it is an emotional death and resurrection.
i think of a phoenix. a phoenix will have a chapter of its life, die & from its ashes, become beautiful again.
i think unhappy people go through that.
i think, sometimes, misery is beautiful.
i mean, without misery, does one really know the depth of being happy? joyful?
from misery comes a very special part of a person that usually lays dormant.
and not that one would want to be miserable all the time! by no means!
but when one is miserable, maybe... just maybe, it's not completely all that bad.
at least you know you are alive.

FCUK

curbing my spending habits is proving to be RIDICULOUSLY difficult.
the WHOLE DAY i have been putting imaginary pieces into imaginary shopping bags... & clicking all the way up to 'checkout,' looking at the prices, and crying.
i really DO NOT like having money.
i was trying to calculate how much i can sacrifice for le clothes. if i don't eat, basically, i can buy.
ummmmmm. this is proving to be more and more difficult. eating v. clothing...
maybe i'll just raid my mom's closet one last time...

sigh.
what am i doing!?
the prospect of having a midterm & final this week is so far from my mind right now.

i think i am going batshit crazy.

oh, how i miss those days when i didn't have to pay for anything~

i just sent in my car payment today. eeeeeeeeeeeesh. lucy costs me too much. sigh. but i do love her...

okok i need to stop complaining. according to allport, i'm an 'emotionally-healthy adult.'

teeheeeee.

bye bye, friend. 'til another day :(

it's

make it or break it.
do or die.
i'm gonna make do.

on a different note--

love. this. girl.

people

call me "little girl."
how about i call them "big girl?"
funny how the girl that called me "little" was, in fact, big.
i know this post is mean.
i'm not in the greatest mood.

oh, she's good

la roux.

okay, no

yes, i realize valentine's day is coming up.
and yes, i even have a boyfriend.
no, i do not care to know...

- what single people should do on valentine's day
- what couples should do on valentine's day
- the special deals on flowers (flowers = too much $ = quick death)
- the special deals on jewelry (have you not seen blood diamond!?)
- the special deals on teddy bears (no, i am no longer 3)

what i DO care to know...
- the special deals on CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!

i never mind valentine's day as long as there is some sort of chocolate-y goodness involved.
so there. i'm not completely jaded.

paz.

i hate that i even had to write on valentine's day. i think this day is way too overrated but i had to vent frustration somewhere. now, onto the shitload of writing i have to do by tonight so i can celebrate valentine's at AMOEBA (non-romantic) with ANDREW(NOT le boyfriend).

YAY unconventionality ~
i try.

God save McQueen.

my thoughts exactly.

for some reason

i have been having fierce cravings to write.
i usually have these cravings when i am upset or frustrated.
seeing as how i am both, i guess this overactive blogging makes sense.

i was going to leave one phrase to describe everything i was feeling.

"... and so it begins."

this one phrase has so much meaning to it- it can be positive, negative, and/or neutral.

here is what i'm thinking/feeling-

1. and so begin the shorter conversations.
2. and so begin the papers (1-2), presentation (1), and exams (2) this month.
3. and so begin the lack of sleep, me biting everyone's head off, and the obsession with APA-style format in all my papers.
4. and so begins another contemplation on grad school. have i made the wrong decision? should i transfer?
5. and so begins (or continues, in this case) my debt. frustration = spending money on one of two things. shoes/clothes&music. i'm headed to amoeba this weekend, friends or not.
6. and so begins me reevaluating my life. i cower in the face of change. it's sad and immature. i still do it.
7. and so begins the sleepless nights either writing/thinking.

eff february. i'd rather have the ides of march.

will everything really be alright?

alright is defined as 'adequate.'
i don't think anything in life is 'adequate.'
pain is excruciating. love burns. sadness is heart-wrenching and life, as we know it, is difficult.
words have evolved past 'good' and 'bad.'
it's become purposeful, just as life should be.
i think it's inspiring reading others' blogs. so many of my friends and loved ones going through an array of emotions and steps in life... makes me feel like i'm at a standstill.
even at this standstill, though, i can't help but be thankful.
thankfulness doesn't necessarily have to be felt, though, does it?
maybe it's my lack of sleep that's talking, but man. i hate waiting.
i have to wait for my masters degree. i have to wait and see if i pass my two board-certified tests to be able to practice in CA (or anywhere outside the state, for that matter). i have to wait to see my manfriend. i have to wait and save money in order to move out. i have to wait for the weekend.
why is life such a perpetuation of 'waits?'
my patience is wearing thin.

FYAP

perfect combination of cudi&vampire weekend. yummmmmmmmm.

of course

i would be blogging instead of studying for my midterm at 6pm.
let me share with you what i'm studying-

communication is the key to life.
without healthy relationships, life becomes severely unstable.
in an unstable life, the individual begins to feel isolated and thus deteriorates (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.)

there are rules to communication.
for example, in a family, one must answer the following three questions:
1. what can i say to others (in regards to the family unit)?
2. how can i say it?
3. to whom should i relay to?

and with these three questions come five accompanying rules-
1. the rules to communication within and outside of the family is explicit.
i.e. "don't say whatever is said in the family right now to those outside of the family."
2. the rules to communication within and outside of the family can be unspoken.
i.e. if nobody else talks about your sister's lifestyle outside of the family, don't talk about your sister's lifestyle outside of the family.
3. there are specific rules within each family that is punished/rewarded.
i.e. i will never be punished for keeping to myself, but other families might require "family time," where not talking to others in the family might be considered offensive.
4. family communication should be flexible for when unforeseen changes occur.
5. family communication should be negotiable so everyone can feel involved.

interesting, eh?
i like it.
well.
looks like i DID learn something!!!!

i am also learning effective communication with others (general) by reducing different types of noise, effective and proactive ways to communicate within relationships, and the advantages/disadvantages to having relationships. it was easier for me to memorize the latter. heh.

nowww on to the therapy part of communication:
1. the client's gumption matters the most (40%)
2. the client-therapist relationship matters next (30%)
3. hope, expectancy, and placebo factors are third most effective in therapy (15%)
4. the therapy treatment itself comes in last (15%)

psychotherapy works at least as well as medication.

and the last lesson i have learned-
let us begin life with an end in mind and constantly be alert to what is happening around us!
life is hard; i say we attack it with our best foot forward.

thirty-six

days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

ache

i very much believe there to be good types of ache as well as the bad.
right now, i am aching.
i am aching for what i had four summers ago.
after a long, hard day, i would sit on stairway steps looking out on the city of santa ana. the sun was burning fiercely while it was going down... almost like it was resisting its responsibility to set so that the moon may shine.
i would either be licking a popsicle or munching on some corn on the cob.
i would be sitting with a good friend talking about the children, jesus, or how hard life is.
there would be nothing on my feet but $5 old navy sandals, nothing on my sore legs but a pair of jeans/shorts and an old, well-worn tee.
i would have absolutely no makeup on and my hair would be lazily swept up in an unkempt ponytail.
man, those were the best times.

i had a similar moment recently.
sitting on a bench in balboa, looking out at the water. eating the best french sandwich i have ever had. conversing with a good friend. relaxing and knowing that everything will be alright.

i don't know what it is about nature.
my soul feels free.

FYAP

Passion Pit-Sleepyhead from ssarenofun1 on Vimeo.

it's been awhile. :)

and unusual punishment

'tis cruel to be so far from him.