i feel like

“Being in love is… anxious. Wanting to please, worrying that she will see me as I really am. But wanting to be known…. I wanted her to see me and to love me even though she knew everything I am, and I knew her. Now she’s gone, and my knowledge is incomplete. So all day I imagine what she is doing, what she says and who she talks to, how she looks. I try to supply the missing hours, and it gets harder as they pile up, all the time she’s been gone. I have to imagine….”

—

Martin Wells, from Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

this quote perfectly embodies what i want to say, but just can't seem to.