fresh~

i used to be totally into sports. in middle school i played basketball EVERY SINGLE lunch, rain or shine.
i watched the lakers growing up with the neighborhood kids and watched the utah jazz with my dad.
i watched rose bowls with friends and i LOVED playing football on a large field.
i wasn't a huge fan of softball, but i wasn't bad at hitting the ball so if ever the opportunity rolled around i would pick up a bat and swing.
i LOVED the aching feeling i got after a good game and always ALWAYS enjoyed winning.

i don't know why i stopped.
i stopped watching, participating, and enjoying sports.

not until recently did i remember HOW MUCH i LOVED the smell and feel of freshly cut grass on a field. how much i LOVED running. how much i LOVED learning about different techniques on how to throw or hit a ball. i LOVE the feel of a football and the rush i get when i catch one. i LOVE the rush i get when i hear the crack of the bat when it meets the softball. i LOVE when i take a shot and i hear the familiar "swoosh" from it hitting the net.
it's such a pure moment. just you and the ball. it's completely satisfying and a small, but ultimate high.
the high lingers sometimes, sometimes it doesn't. either way, you always want another fix.

i love seeing intricate plays on any sort of field. i revel in wit on the court. when skilled players play with their heart, mind and strength.

sigh.

it's good to be back, baby.

(re-reading the post, i realized how much of a parallel there is with the high of sports and the high of Jesus's reality. haha, so corny. no, really. i forgot what it felt like to have sports in my life. sometimes i forget the reality of Jesus. days become droll and i rarely woke up feeling excited about life. but now that i am being fed and reveling in the precious love that IS Jayzess, i feel revived. i am back on the field. just me and him. and it's going to be a damn good game.)

extravagance

extravagant - exceeding the bounds of something; extreme; exorbitant

i think i'm addicted to extravagance.
i love to be overwhelmed, especially with beauty. i think it's the most fulfilling thing in the world. when i am enamored by a painting or with God's love for me, my heart stops.
i love to be free. i hate feeling restrained. i hate having bounds. i hate rules. but not living according to the rules is extremely lonely unless you find that one someone that just might feel the same way. i think i found some people that do. very little, but they are all i will ever need <3
i don't like normalcy. i think normalcy is overrated. at the same time, normalcy is comfortable. i don't know what i would want, actually-- normalcy or loneliness. hm.
i like when things have character--a smartness to them. wit. i highly enjoy wit. i think wit is absolutely fabulous.
i like when things are not in order. i feel intimidated when things are in order. i feel like even more of a misfit than i actually am. makes me uncomfortable.
i like when things are sparkly, soft, suede, slick, spotty, stripey, spicy, sweet, sour, sappy, and too soon.
or things that are especially bright, or well done.
at the same time, i don't think extravagance necessarily has to be expensive.
what do i consider extravagant...
the last piece of the decadent chocolate cake.
waking up to sweetly chirping birds.
the mini kitkat bar after a long day.
a smile that greets you at the door.
pandora!

when two souls connect.

you know, those times when your heart GLOWS. <- that, in no way, is normal. that is exceeding the bounds of what this world can offer. it is most definitely extravagant. i hope i never forget that.

<3

sigh :D

04/22-04/25: visit from one of my favorite girls <3
04/26-05/04: visit from my favorite boyyy <3 <3

is this okay? can i really be this happy? :):):)

i feel like

“Being in love is… anxious. Wanting to please, worrying that she will see me as I really am. But wanting to be known…. I wanted her to see me and to love me even though she knew everything I am, and I knew her. Now she’s gone, and my knowledge is incomplete. So all day I imagine what she is doing, what she says and who she talks to, how she looks. I try to supply the missing hours, and it gets harder as they pile up, all the time she’s been gone. I have to imagine….”

—

Martin Wells, from Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

this quote perfectly embodies what i want to say, but just can't seem to. 

drunkenness

i realize that everyone likes to drink.
whether it be for the taste or the effects, people drink. well, mormons don't drink. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!
this post is going to be about what it always is about.
life.
i have a quote that sticks with me in my head that says something along the lines of having to be drunk for one to fully enjoy his or her life.
now, i don't mean alkie drunk. well, it could be that. BUT. let me explain.
this post will go a little along my thought processes of being overwhelmed.
these days i wanted to be overwhelmed with anything else but the looming due dates for papers & exams. finals in the next two weeks, i believe, and i haven't completely done all my reading & the reading i HAVE done hasn't completely sunken in yet.
i'm burnt OUT.
i will get to my point soon, i promise.
so i've been feeling overwhelmed with school.
but that is how i live my life. wading through shit to get through the bright light at the end (here's hoping!).
however, to make life worthwhile, i think that's what it takes.
being overwhelmed. being drunk.
people can be drunk with anything--the spirit, love, purpose, etc. doesn't necessarily have to be alcohol. of course if it is, you can be giving me business. alcoholism is a psychiatric disease as much as it is a physical one.
anyway.
to be drunk. that is how, i think, people SHOULD live their lives. coming from a rationalist, this concept may seem strange. my brows are furrowed, actually, as i write this. it seems to go against everything i believe in.
everything should make sense. but sometimes, i think that's the wrong way to go.
life will never make sense.
one can make sense of it all he or she wants, but ultimately, life will win.
i am not saying that analyzing situations is bad. by no means! however, it should be a means to an end. NOT an end.
i am overwhelmed with the mundane. i am drunk with ... purpose.
i want to be overwhelmed with beauty and drunk with happiness.
i am being overwhelmed now in hopes of being drunk later.
but that doesn't mean i can't enjoy the drink or two now, now does it? ;)
bottoms up! here's to life.

self-efficacy

i have two papers to write tonight. not that these papers have to be long, but these papers need to be thought out.
to, perhaps, encourage the creative juices to flow, i thought i might write some personal thoughts on the concept of 'self-efficacy.'
it's funny that i was assigned to write on such a topic because just yesterday i was told not be so ... independent.

at this point in my life, i thought the 'can do' attitude was absolutely imperative in my life to achieve what i have to achieve. going to a smaller school, i made it a personal mission to graduate top of my class (or, at least, top 3). i have a B+ in one of my classes and i am shaken to the bone.
i have dependence issues. i hate dependence. being dependent or seeing someone so dependent disgusts me. i feel a perpetual, compelling need to be independent and ABLE to take care of myself.

i have two reasons, so far, as to why i feel this way.
the first reason comes in the form of my last relationship. i was very dependent on this person and it blew up in my face. i thought that's what guys wanted- the damsel in distress. haha. well, i got that one alright. i was definitely in distress... after we broke up. the breakup got me thinking, though... what is it that I want to be in a relationship? in the journey to answer this question, i thought it perfect to collect myself first. what people haven't told me so explicitly, though, is thinking of myself NEVER STOPS. people are inherently self-centered. even to help others, one is to help one's self.
the second reason comes in the form of my current career goals. to be a therapist, i should have my life in some form of order. it is unfair of me to ask my clients to be or do certain things while i am doing just the opposite. therefore, i was even more driven to handle myself, and handle myself well.

the secret to going crazy, though, is thinking everything can be done on one's own.

sunday proved to be such a day. i cracked. i cracked in front of one, or maybe two, people. i was frustrated with myself, my life, and the choices i've made thus far. i felt like i was doing everything 'wrong' and feeling frustrated that i just can't seem to be 'right.'

beautiful thought, though: i don't always have to be right. 

while i was enjoying the BEAUTIFUL day with a dear friend, she stuck out her arm to me. she told me to grab her arm. i did so. in the process of doing so, she grabbed mine. now, she told me to let go of her arm. while i let go, her grip was still very firm on mine. she then told me to grab hold of her arm, once again. i did so. she told me then to let go. i let go. through all this time, her arm was steadily gripped on mine.
my arm never left her fingers' grasp.
this was an illustration to show that whether i "can do" things or not, God can. i will try and try again... and fail.
i will continue to make bad choices, i will continue to be frustrated beyond belief, i will continue... to be and do things that i will not be completely happy about... but why stress? worry? really, self-efficacy is not ME, self-efficacy is the jesus IN me.
i am slowly... slowly... EVER SO PAINFULLY learning.
i can have faith and be taken care of. i can not have faith and be taken care of. fact of the matter is, my Father has always got my back.

i can only live in the present. i can only go so far. i am merely human. the beautiful thing about that is, so is everyone else.
 

man,

staying out of trouble has been harder than i thought ;)
thinking of staying in this friday night catching up on my studies and having some wine.

i think i'm totally ok with that. :) :)