jewels

i LOVE jewelry.
esp the ones i call friends& family.
i love & appreciate every jewel in my life.
yayyy <3
:)

i have love.

do you know how i know my friends & family love me?
they tell me that i have taken a turn for the worst.
i used to be different. more carefree, more trusting, less guarded, less princess.
i put myself out there.
do you know what happened?
i was shred to pieces.
friendships, relationships, any type of -ship i was involved in failed.
i would consider this my 'job' moment. throughout these -ship shits, i was told constantly to leave God & make my own way.
i tried. desperately. i clung to my status as a human being (only superior to other mammals, apparently, because of our oppositional thumbs) as reason enough to journey alone.
how wrong i was.
i have slowly begun to notice what ugliness has taken residence in the very core of my being. it's repulsive. i shared such views with a friend & my mom. they agreed with me.
i find it wise that they did not share with me their opinions for i would regard them as such- just opinions & consequently, i would not really listen.
i'm glad they waited.
this is where i am finally realizing how virtuous patience really is.
& with their undivided support, i can truly find myself again... this time, i'd stop listening to that little voice in my head that shouts that opposite thumbs are reason enough to rationalize my way through life.
for when did life ever become rational?
anyway, i'd start listening to the gospel- with my mind, heart & soul.
how very loved i am.

wandering eyes

there is an office right across from me with two women who make a living moving hospitals.
really, you read right. just... physically re-locating hospitals.
i am a little on-edge right now because i am THIS CLOSE to finishing a grad app and i'm procrastinating. HAHA.
so i look right across to their office & what do i see?
a plastic head of a bald eagle perfectly positioned on a square, wooden slab.
JUST the head. & it's looking right at them.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
oh, lord. that made my day.
i think if i stare at it long enough, it'll creep me out... but i can't look away. it's... THERE.
-___-
yayyy for grad school in jan? hopefully? if i get in? if i don't, screw it. i'm seroiusly applying to FIDM and finding myself a band of beautiful gay men that will make me laughhhh my life awayy~~

ciao.

growing up

i hate the idea of growing up.
growing up requires growing responsibilities, growing stress, and growing ... growing.
the idea of physically growing has escaped me yet the ever-gnawing 'i've got to grow up' in my mind has been gnawing at me for quite some time.
i don't know why i have this obsession with growing up.
for anyone that knows me, they know i say weird things, make foolish decisions and am very reckless with my time and money.
i know that everyone's life, experiences, etc. are different... somehow, though, i have this faint notion that i will appreciate everything i go through once i've fully matured, grown up.
i always reflect back on who i am and am not very happy.
i like lists. here is a list that i'm not so proud of-
- i'm very temperamental. moody.
- believe my opinions to be fact.
- extremely impatient.
- always expect perfection.
- lazyyy.
- confused.
- judgmental.
- unforgiving of stupidity.
- oh and the list goes on.
i know that nobody can reach perfection, but i wish to get close.

the onliest

it's rare that i find time for myself to sit on my bed with just me, myself & i. i always find time to clutter my mind... but what exactly does that do for me? i feel as if it's like sand between my toes- a little sand doesn't reallly bother me at first... but once the sand starts accumulating, i freak out. i hate being dirty.
this is my freakout moment.
i used to put aside time for myself... myself & God. usually with pen & a paper... i just write right what's on my mind, what i'm feeling, what i want to do with my life, why my life is perfect just the way it is, right now.
i have stopped- cluttered it with useless & mindless information and facts that will never come to light & help impact someone's life.
i look at others & ALWAYS wonder how they got to that point... & when i am sitting here wondering... i forget to lead my own reckless life.
i'm really good at stepping back & observing the situation.
i'm really bad at getting back in the game. i'm not exactly sure as to why... i was always so timid. i can blame it on my parents, i can blame it on how i grew up... but really. how old am i? shouldn't i be able to determine my own course?
growing up is hard to do. something i have to consciously do- something i have to work at. something i am going to have to cultivate.
it's unsettling really.
it'd be nice not to.
i have friends going to lse, and i thought that was the coolest thing ever. i felt very jealous. i so desperately want to go back to england. the nostalgia kills me sometimes. the freedom, the vast array of people, personalities, the professors, the country... everything was so magical. the times were times of life & love. even in times where i sat in my dorm room, listening to the rain & writing an essay... i was so happy. so so happy.
but i figure... if i really want to go back, i'd make it happen!
... so that's not what's desperately bothering me.
oh!
la is burning. the ash frightens and saddens me.
i'm applying to one grad school. one that is not internationally known, one that is not overrated, one that does not come with an 'ahh' when you tell someone.
... & i'm ok with it.
i just wish eveyrone else was too.
i don't like when people impose themselves in my life.
can you not do that please? thanks.
it's late. i should be going to bed, but i have a lot of thoughts. not necessarily good or deep ones... just ones that buzz around in your brain like those annoying socal fruit flies. ugh. great.