you know,

sometimes i sit here in front of my computer reading blogs and nonsense and think...

"nobody fucking cares!"

i mean, everyone goes through shit. EVERYONE. if they didn't, i would be out of a job.
but on a serious note, i have gone through various ups & downs and to me, at that moment, it is the end of the world...
but put into perspective, it's not.

people are dying, hookers are hooking, babies are crying...
there is some SERIOUS SHIT going down all over the world...

why are we so hooked on DRAMA?

thankful.

i watched catfish yesterday.
i walked in the theater thinking it was a summer horror flick.
the basis of the movie was that an individual met a girl over Facebook & it led to an online romance.
after discovering several inconsistencies in her stories, he drove to michigan to see her.
the movie ended with a woman.

this woman struck me in so many ways.
my heart broke as i sat in the theater thinking of how lonely someone must be to act and do as she did.
i could not imagine living her life, for fear of suffocation (and soon, death).
i sat there wondering how and why someone could let themselves go so.
i also sat there thinking how depraved any life must be without the hope that is Jesus.

the more i am uncovering and delving deeper into what true happiness is, the more my heart breaks when i see people turn a blind eye to what could be.

i had a conversation with a friend recently and i told him "do whatever makes him happy."
he was particularly unhappy with my response, but i thought that answer was completely satisfactory.
i think happiness gives room for failure and despair.
one cannot make the leap without fear.

the more i am realizing what it is like to be fearless, the more envious i am of those that have already embraced it. i long for a maturation where i can see people as Jesus sees them.
i long for a time when seeing beauty in life does not come as an explicit choice.
i long for a time when i wake up with the thought of Jesus and go to sleep with the very same thought.
i long for a time when studying relationships will not jade me, but give me hope for humanity.
i long for a time when i will understand the hardships of others.
i long for a time when i will see people for who they are, and love them nonetheless.


the movie ended with a story about catfish.
catfish are put in with the rest of the drones of fish to keep the fish on their toes; so as to keep the rest of the fish alive longer (while on the trip to different parts of the world, where... they will be dead & eaten anyway).
i like to think of myself as one of the catfish.
but i find myself doubting sometimes.

"why can't i be like her?" is a question that has been perpetually eating up my mind for a very very long time.
i don't understand why i am the way i am, or why i choose to respond to certain situations in whatever way i decide.
most of the time, i hate my decisions.

i guess what i'm trying to say is learning to love myself has become a long and arduous journey.
yet i am still thankful.

his love for me

"for you and you alone I have made this place, kaleidoscope of wonder to keep your eye upon as I turn turn the world."

of course i would blog at the most inappropriate time--

i'm about to be caught up in a tornado...
i am so not ready, but the only thing i have been thinking about has nothing to do with the fear creeping up my spine.
it has everything to do with childish insecurities, which should be quelled by an omnipotent God.
what do you do when Satan uses others to paint your face red?

---

i've also been thinking about the concept of choice.
if every action has a reaction, doesn't every reaction require an action? thus, every choice is not really a choice, now is it? if people are whirlwinds of genetics and their environments, do people really have a choice to "make" themselves?
where, then, does that leave us? as a slave to genetics, the environment, pleasure, and comfort, where do i stand?

---

i have an interview for a full-time gig as a case manager for the severely mentally ill. i feel like an outcast already; not quite sure if people understand (or care to understand) the light behind my eyes.
where will working with these people leave me? even more so?
am i on the fast track of quitting normalcy and embracing exquisite pain?
if yes, ... where does that leave me?
i do not want to be at a disconnect.
... but what choice do i have?
nothing great happened within the realms of normalcy.
let's see what i can pull out of my magician's hat.

In the good times & bad...

Have confidence.
I almost wrote "have faith."
Well, that too.
But confidence too.
I did not realize until today that the outlook you have on yourself is what you project.
If you think you're the shit, everyone else will think you're the shit.
If you think you're not... people will dismiss you.
It's all in how you carry yourself.
It's amazing, though, because as children of Christ...
We ARE the shit.
Too cool.
On a side note, my mom just washed me a plum to eat. On a clean, white bowl with a clean, white napkin.
Ahh, the little things.
<3

today is just one of those days

where i feel like it's been awhile since i was fully comfortable with who i was and the people i was with.
i'm so tired sometimes of pretending that i'm alright.
I MISS MY COMFORT.
i think i'm so judgmental over those that are at their most comfortable, because i can't seem to be in mine.
grad school cannot be over soon enough. i want to relocate....... to AUS, then SF, to the east coast perhaps? who knows?? all I know is..............
i want to feel ME again.
refreshed. revived. rejuvenated.

charmed

i live a charmed life.
thank you, God, from the black hole that is my heart.
people love, but i always want more.
you love, and there is always more.
i cannot believe i am to have it evermore.
<3