my camera is here~

it's a point&shoot canon sd940IS. i'm saving up for a canon rebel xsi & a polaroid camera.
... while i have this one, tho, can anyone teach me how to use various editing programs?
it would be much appreciated :).

the problem with grace chung.

i am a mover. a traveler.
sitting still is very difficult for me.
today i woke up with a very strange thought.
what if i had all the time of the world;
what if i had all the money in the world?
what would i do?
1. buy a canon dslr.
2. buy a polaroid camera.
3. pack ONE suitcase. [floss, (tooth)brush, paste, brush, one long sleeve, one short sleeve, one vest, one jacket, 2 jeans, 2 socks, 2 bras, 2 undies]
4. buy a pair of toms- i hear they're comfy AND goes to a GREAT cause!
5. hop on the next train/plane.
oh, the endless possibilities.
all day everyday i dream of creating.
the next aesthetic pleasure that comes to mind.
my eye tries to catch the light that eludes me, so selfishly.
i want to react, but the darkness pulls me back-
i shiver, unknowingly, from the endless possibilities of being young.
i've experienced so much.
yet i crave for more. so much more.
this gift of life; LIFE!
do you know HOW precious life is and how LITTLE time we have LEFT!?
when you are driving, do you not look up at the sky and feel how SMALL you are!?
don't you want to know what it feels like to FALL into the SKY?
or maybe how to sleep on the sun's rays?
don't you want to know how it feels to be as small as a tick? or as large as an elephant?
don't you want to be the next literary GENIUS?
or the next MOTHER TERESA?
or maybe dive into the blood stream of a junkie and rid him of his impulses?
or hang out with bacteria??
i don't know. maybe i'm just being strange.
... but i can only imagine heaven to be CHOCK FULL of ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.
when we get there, don't bother me.
COME WITH!

FYAP

the worst feeling in the world

... is to KNOW that i'm young, vibrant & single.
... & KNOW that i can go to london & paris (including airfare, hotel & breakfast) for $699.
... & NOT be able to GO.

wanderlust at its worst.
ugggh.

do you know?

- i'm more touched by a sentimental note/card than an extravagant gift.
- i'd rather receive cake than cash.
- i believe in the power of the written word.
- i think happiness is underrated.
- i believe in the power of prayer.
- i love winter bc i don't have to shave as much.
- i turn 22 on the 22nd of this month!
- after my MA i debate between going to fashion school or getting my PsyD/MD (psychiatry).
- i'm starting a paperback library for my children.
- i refuse to let my children watch disney movies save alice in wonderland.
- i love reading blogs.
- i love fringe & lace. lacy fringe/fringed lace? no.
- my favorite two cities in the world are london & paris.
- i would like to have an apartment in nice, france.
- i would like to learn french.
- & quite possibly german.
- i am quite good at the english and/or southern accent when i am drunk.
- my absolute FAVORITE movie is 2 days in paris.
- i am beginning to grow a taste for wine.
- i dislike the holidays... except for thanksgiving. i love thanksgiving.
- i wish i was more proactive in perpetuating my happiness.
- i need to consciously tell myself to stop shopping. my new obsession? the sales rack at UO.
- i realize that i will never be an accessories type of gal.
- sometimes, i do wish i can wear flats.
- i've never set foot into a zara, but want to. quickly.
- i'd rather go blind than deaf.
- i'm reteaching myself to play the piano by ear. it's toughhhhh.
- i LOVE she&him.
- & regina spektor.
- i am taking cj's advice of not being afraid of who you really are to heart. life's too short to be someone else.
- i really. want. a. polaroid. camera.
- i often wonder why i was born human.
- i just discovered allure magazine. it's quite fantastic!
- i also just discovered max tundra. freaking genius.
- if i could choose to be any celebrity in the world, it'd be mary-kate olsen.
- if i could choose to date any celebrity in the world, it'd be joseph gordon-levitt.
- i follow joseph on tumblr.
- i have a tumblr.
- jazz moves me.

is this enough?
do you know me?

LOVES! (+ another FYAP)

Victoria Beckham Q&A with Allure Mag:

Do you want to smell sweet or sexy?

A bit of both. It's nice to be girlie and sweet, but everybody likes to have another side."

Sun or self-tanner?

Sun. I don't self-tan anymore; it's frustrating when people criticize my color. It's the color that I am! I wear sunblock, but I live in a hot climate.

Coffee or tea?

I start off the day with a double espresso. Then i get on the running machine and I run like a bat out of hell.

Pajamas or…?

I tend to wear nothing, but David bought me these little sets from Agent Provocateur, his favorite store.

Salad or fries?

Salad. I'm not going to lie. I'm not one of these people that says, "Oh, I eat hamburgers."

Massage or facial?

I run every day, so a massage is great.

Posh or Victoria?

I'm so respectful of the Spice Girls, and I love all the girls dearly, but it's nice now that people know my name. But either is a compliment. I mean, I've been called a lot worse.

Heels or flats?

I beyond hate ballerina flats - I can't even walk in them. Unless they're on a ballet dancer doing ballet, I just don't get it.

Sex or sleep?

Sex. I'm getting into bed with David Beckham every night, so, you know, there'd be something wrong if I said "sleep."

HAHA. I LOVE THIS GIRL.

i've been given a new lease on life.

i start grad school on jan. 4th.
i'm turning 22 this weekend.
i can't believe i'm getting older, moving on.
i've waited for this day.
thank the LAWD.

i post too much.

i am secretly (or not-so-secretly now) giddy about having the same book as the sartorialist under my 'currently reading' list.
it's Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. i'm almost done with it. comments on the book will come in a subsequent blog, i'm sure.
hehe.

for your aural pleasure-

i stayed up all night

being anxious.
i laid there, wanting to just... come out of my body & whisk away to paris or something.
i thought i was going crazy. my body felt all jittery & was immensely scared of the future.
i hate & love change.
change may bring good, but it may also bring the not-so-good.
i can't prepare myself for change.
i want a clean start without the challenge.
selfishness, thy name is grace chung.

no pain no pain~

i wish p. chi specified as to what KIND OF pain he was referring to when he preached on 'no pain no gain.'
there is a 'without' kind of pain that stems from loneliness.
then there is the kind of pain that was made... a decision, for example, that was bad that could have been easily circumvented if it was more thought-out.
either way, if pain is the prerequisite for gain... i wonder how much pain a person has to go through for any type of gain?

oh fucking shit.

so all of brent's roommates are a band called 'dusty rhodes and the river band.'
i knew they were musicians that churned out some sort of indie music... but i just checked out their myspace & am now starstruck. it'd do them a disservice to call them 'good.'
they bring something completely different, new & exciting to the indie music scene.
& i'm trying to stay AWAY from brent? i'm hanging out with down-to-earth, creative indie rockstars while i'm over at his place? ...that are so open-minded & different than the rest of the idiots i come across everyDAY?
god, this is going to be SO hard.
it'd be even more embarrassing if they googled their named & found this blog.
.........
if so, HEY BRAD! CALL ME! ;)
i WOULD have something for the bassist.
shit, soooooooooooon.
i'm tired. sleepy. but i can't sleep.
i've been feeling jittery for QUITE some time.
i have an interview next week for grad school.
i've become too complacent & now i don't want to get my lazy ass up to actually CONTRIBUTE to society.
AHHAHAHA i guess this means no more 'waterfalls' with corzo shots & staying up 'til 3am talking sex positions.
ok peace OUT.

for your aural pleasure-

Plastic.

Everybody's plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic. -Andy Warhol.

i don't want to be plastic, but damn is it tempting.
if i had enough money to be? who knows.

short & sweet, what a treat!

I LOVE FOOTBALL.
GO CHARGERS.

ok, herrre we go!

i am hoping my free writing will encourage myself to keep writing... or, at least, to edit my grad entrance paper... that is due very soon... i was supposed to have it sent out yesterday, actually. to no avail! ha!
i am planning on finishing this up tomorrow... sigh.
i did some shopping today. why do i do this to myself. i have no monies. really, now. sigh.
i really hope that grad school will keep me busy. less distraction on my hobby. i just like looking, really... & if i can find myself wearing, and it has my size... i am so compulsive. sigh.
i have also started gaining weight.
the more thankful i am with my life, the better food tastes... the more candy i want... gahhhh.
i think i am taking right steps in my life.
i haven't talked to brent in awhile. i rejected his advances... and the less i see of him, the happier i am. really.
... i wish we could just be friends. i love hanging with him, his friends... but i guess it's better this way. it'd be way too easy to fall for him that way too, i think.
sigh.
i am writing in a blog while listening to backstreet. HAHA takes me BACK. i've had a journal since i was... in first grade & have started blogging since i could use the internet/keyboard.
i am addicted to writing. it is the best outlet i've found. writing and shopping... but because writing is free, it has proved to be a better ... option, i guess. ... for lack of a better term.
soooo if i get into this program, i will be starting in january. which means... canceling travel plans & being chained to papers, tests, required reading, etc. for two more years.
i don't know if i'm looking forward to it, but i know it's something i'm willing to do.
ultimately i would love to work in the fashion industry. BUT i don't know if it'd be quite as fulfilling for me...
i think shopping & mixing/matching my clothes would be more of a hobby. the way i feel around clothes... is pretty captivating, i'm not gonna lie. i lose myself in colors, fabrics, trends, etc. ... but once i look God in the face... what can I say? "Lord, I was the most fashionable on the block!?"
i guess i can give myself credit for helping people feel better about themselves... but shouldn't that start from the in-> out?
not that i have to justify anything when I see God. according to the bible, we are holy and blameless in his sight when we accept Jesus as our savior because he DIED die for ALL of our sins.
which doesn't mean i can do anything. anything is permissible but not everything is beneficial, right?
hrm.
the thing is, i have taken a couple psych classes and have been intrigued, but never have i delved so deeply into therapy.
i have always wanted to go into it & i know that i can be good at it... i just hope this is something i want. & if it isn't, then i'd find out more soon than later.
the future is some scary ass shit.
yeah, one step at a time. i get it.
but there are days i go through life just looking around & not paying attention to where i am stepping.
... daydreaming, almost, through life.
going through the motions, holding on to the temporary highs.
at least this will get my brain going, i'll meet new people, & hopefully see the world again.
i REALLY want to see the world.
sigh.
hahah i've been 'sigh'ing a lot. hahahaha. whoooooops.
i don't know what exactly my problem is.
i feel like i know who i am, but i don't.
i do things i like, i am a certain way.....but i just can't sit still. i just can't BE. i need to be active, entertained, ... & if/when i'm not, i'll find a way. usually destructive. i don't know why!
my parents were joking about this story that this guy in england faked his death to see who would come to his wedding.
guess who came?
ONE PERSON- HIS MOMMA.
that got me thinking... who would come to mine!?
i have become a hermit, basically, with no deep wish to touch EVERYONE'S LIVES. i didn't think it was bad... i didn't think the aim of life was to make everyone else happy tooo... but it almost seems relevant because what else do you leave behind besides your legacy?
i don't even know.
i wish i knew.
i wish i knew EVERYTHING. life would be so much simpler, i'd think. but at the same time, everything would become so much more complicated, right? would it be better to let things be or ACT?
i mean, with God behind me, what the hell am i supposed to do?
i don't know how to act 'accordingly.'
in fact, i don't know how to do ANYTHING 'accordingly.'
i find myself to be very awkward & unsure.
i was takling with brent one night when i pulled away from him when he tried to hold my hand.
i have this REALLY big insecurity. i sweat a lot. my hands, especially. his house is super hot. it traps heat. i don't konw why. but i get really hot. & nervuos around him. i think he's super cute.
so i pulled awya...like.. snapped. not slowly or anything. like, crazily. he questioned why i did that. i told him 'my insecurities, i guess...'
and he told me to be more confident! CONFIDENT!
to anyone that knows me, i'm pretty damn confident. cocky sometimes, maybe.
but the first thing that popped into my head was- confident about what??
yes, i have a BA. i have friends. i have lots o' cool clothes & shoes. i've had boyfriends in the past. i have a nice little laptop & a blackberry. a cool CAR. i have everything anyone could ever want/need. i STILL question myself. ALWAYS.
i am insecure, awkward, foolish. it takes GRAND FAILURES to come back to Christ. and when i come back to him, i'm crying. blubbering. asking him to fix this MESS. once ONE little thing goes RIGHT, i go off by myself again.
i have this REALLY BAD napoleon/rebel complex. i HATE the normal; therefore, i must do everything OPPOSITE. except i'm super PUSSY so i don't even FOLLOW THROUGH. when i DO it emotionally destroys me. if i DON'T it emotionally destroys me- i immediately regret.
... i think i have too much time on my hands.
i really think that's the problem.
i hope that when i'm busy... i'll stop overthinking the crap that is the world & move toward a real & happy goal.
i was told today by my dad that if i keep focusing on the world, i would be even more miserable than i am now.
i am not miserable because i am ungrateful. i'm not miserable because i have no friends, clothes on my back, food on the table, etc. i'm miserable becaues i observe, too much, everything & everyone around me & overthink. when you really sit & look at the world, you will find it is very ugly.
VERY ugly.
people are ugly. people will do mean, foolish, etc. things that tragically affect others in the same way. people are born into unfortunate circumstances or will find themselves in a very sad state because the world is telling them that it's ok to be a failure.
lies are the foundation of america& what runs it.
i need to stop looking at the world, but i'm already so set in my ways!
i'm extremely observant aboout everything, i'm extremely stubborn, i'm extremely analytical & judgemental.
how do i spin this positively?
ok, i'm done.
i'm spent.
congrats to whoever read through this WHOLE THINGGGGGGGGG.
*applause
ps- i need to get my hands on some hawt acid-wash jeanssssssssssss. wanna go shopping? ;]
PPS- JIMMY CHOOS OUT IN H&M STORES ON THE FOURTEEEEEEEEENTH!!!!!!!!!!! get 'em while they're hot, girls.

Currently Reading

"At that moment, when the world around him melted away, when he stood alone like a star in the heavens, he was overwhelmed by a feeling of icy despair, but he was more firmly himself than ever. That was the last shudder of his awakening, the last pains of birth. Immediately he moved on again and began to walk quickly and impatiently, no longer homewards, no longer to his father, no longer looking backwards." --Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

i realized i should have prefaced my emo post....................

(thank you jess&dave for the texts, btw :D)

as a 21yearold, i didn't want to live life without any regrets.
SO, i went out & did what any 21yo does- party, booze, know boys, stay out, etc.
... but i also realized that i do not want to live my life this way.
i had a little stint of this when i was in england; there i wanted to test God's love & patience for me. at one point, i was still drunk in my room (no need to drive there!) & i had written such poignant words in my journal.
i forgot i've written them until the next day. it reads something along the lines of ...there are chains to sin. living a life of complete hedonism is not something i want to invest in...
& i thought i walked away from it all.
a brutal breakup with a boyfriend (say that 3x fast), though, led me into a ... i'm gonna enjoy my single life!! phase where... i am, quite frankly, sick of now.

the blog post was written as a reminder to myself... a reminder that through my drunken nights, calls, etc... i didn't really find myself. ... i lost it.
my values, principles, identity, was quickly stolen from me as i thought 'living life' was temporarily altering reality & doing with it as i please.

now that 22 is looming ahead... i want to put that past behind. i know i'm not old, mature, etc. but i am hoping that the past year has made me that much wiser.
i still have to grow so much & i know there will be many challenges in my life... but isn't identifying the problem half the battle?

22yrWISHLIST.

so close

to losing myself.
lord, save me.