ok, herrre we go!

i am hoping my free writing will encourage myself to keep writing... or, at least, to edit my grad entrance paper... that is due very soon... i was supposed to have it sent out yesterday, actually. to no avail! ha!
i am planning on finishing this up tomorrow... sigh.
i did some shopping today. why do i do this to myself. i have no monies. really, now. sigh.
i really hope that grad school will keep me busy. less distraction on my hobby. i just like looking, really... & if i can find myself wearing, and it has my size... i am so compulsive. sigh.
i have also started gaining weight.
the more thankful i am with my life, the better food tastes... the more candy i want... gahhhh.
i think i am taking right steps in my life.
i haven't talked to brent in awhile. i rejected his advances... and the less i see of him, the happier i am. really.
... i wish we could just be friends. i love hanging with him, his friends... but i guess it's better this way. it'd be way too easy to fall for him that way too, i think.
sigh.
i am writing in a blog while listening to backstreet. HAHA takes me BACK. i've had a journal since i was... in first grade & have started blogging since i could use the internet/keyboard.
i am addicted to writing. it is the best outlet i've found. writing and shopping... but because writing is free, it has proved to be a better ... option, i guess. ... for lack of a better term.
soooo if i get into this program, i will be starting in january. which means... canceling travel plans & being chained to papers, tests, required reading, etc. for two more years.
i don't know if i'm looking forward to it, but i know it's something i'm willing to do.
ultimately i would love to work in the fashion industry. BUT i don't know if it'd be quite as fulfilling for me...
i think shopping & mixing/matching my clothes would be more of a hobby. the way i feel around clothes... is pretty captivating, i'm not gonna lie. i lose myself in colors, fabrics, trends, etc. ... but once i look God in the face... what can I say? "Lord, I was the most fashionable on the block!?"
i guess i can give myself credit for helping people feel better about themselves... but shouldn't that start from the in-> out?
not that i have to justify anything when I see God. according to the bible, we are holy and blameless in his sight when we accept Jesus as our savior because he DIED die for ALL of our sins.
which doesn't mean i can do anything. anything is permissible but not everything is beneficial, right?
hrm.
the thing is, i have taken a couple psych classes and have been intrigued, but never have i delved so deeply into therapy.
i have always wanted to go into it & i know that i can be good at it... i just hope this is something i want. & if it isn't, then i'd find out more soon than later.
the future is some scary ass shit.
yeah, one step at a time. i get it.
but there are days i go through life just looking around & not paying attention to where i am stepping.
... daydreaming, almost, through life.
going through the motions, holding on to the temporary highs.
at least this will get my brain going, i'll meet new people, & hopefully see the world again.
i REALLY want to see the world.
sigh.
hahah i've been 'sigh'ing a lot. hahahaha. whoooooops.
i don't know what exactly my problem is.
i feel like i know who i am, but i don't.
i do things i like, i am a certain way.....but i just can't sit still. i just can't BE. i need to be active, entertained, ... & if/when i'm not, i'll find a way. usually destructive. i don't know why!
my parents were joking about this story that this guy in england faked his death to see who would come to his wedding.
guess who came?
ONE PERSON- HIS MOMMA.
that got me thinking... who would come to mine!?
i have become a hermit, basically, with no deep wish to touch EVERYONE'S LIVES. i didn't think it was bad... i didn't think the aim of life was to make everyone else happy tooo... but it almost seems relevant because what else do you leave behind besides your legacy?
i don't even know.
i wish i knew.
i wish i knew EVERYTHING. life would be so much simpler, i'd think. but at the same time, everything would become so much more complicated, right? would it be better to let things be or ACT?
i mean, with God behind me, what the hell am i supposed to do?
i don't know how to act 'accordingly.'
in fact, i don't know how to do ANYTHING 'accordingly.'
i find myself to be very awkward & unsure.
i was takling with brent one night when i pulled away from him when he tried to hold my hand.
i have this REALLY big insecurity. i sweat a lot. my hands, especially. his house is super hot. it traps heat. i don't konw why. but i get really hot. & nervuos around him. i think he's super cute.
so i pulled awya...like.. snapped. not slowly or anything. like, crazily. he questioned why i did that. i told him 'my insecurities, i guess...'
and he told me to be more confident! CONFIDENT!
to anyone that knows me, i'm pretty damn confident. cocky sometimes, maybe.
but the first thing that popped into my head was- confident about what??
yes, i have a BA. i have friends. i have lots o' cool clothes & shoes. i've had boyfriends in the past. i have a nice little laptop & a blackberry. a cool CAR. i have everything anyone could ever want/need. i STILL question myself. ALWAYS.
i am insecure, awkward, foolish. it takes GRAND FAILURES to come back to Christ. and when i come back to him, i'm crying. blubbering. asking him to fix this MESS. once ONE little thing goes RIGHT, i go off by myself again.
i have this REALLY BAD napoleon/rebel complex. i HATE the normal; therefore, i must do everything OPPOSITE. except i'm super PUSSY so i don't even FOLLOW THROUGH. when i DO it emotionally destroys me. if i DON'T it emotionally destroys me- i immediately regret.
... i think i have too much time on my hands.
i really think that's the problem.
i hope that when i'm busy... i'll stop overthinking the crap that is the world & move toward a real & happy goal.
i was told today by my dad that if i keep focusing on the world, i would be even more miserable than i am now.
i am not miserable because i am ungrateful. i'm not miserable because i have no friends, clothes on my back, food on the table, etc. i'm miserable becaues i observe, too much, everything & everyone around me & overthink. when you really sit & look at the world, you will find it is very ugly.
VERY ugly.
people are ugly. people will do mean, foolish, etc. things that tragically affect others in the same way. people are born into unfortunate circumstances or will find themselves in a very sad state because the world is telling them that it's ok to be a failure.
lies are the foundation of america& what runs it.
i need to stop looking at the world, but i'm already so set in my ways!
i'm extremely observant aboout everything, i'm extremely stubborn, i'm extremely analytical & judgemental.
how do i spin this positively?
ok, i'm done.
i'm spent.
congrats to whoever read through this WHOLE THINGGGGGGGGG.
*applause
ps- i need to get my hands on some hawt acid-wash jeanssssssssssss. wanna go shopping? ;]
PPS- JIMMY CHOOS OUT IN H&M STORES ON THE FOURTEEEEEEEEENTH!!!!!!!!!!! get 'em while they're hot, girls.