the onliest

it's rare that i find time for myself to sit on my bed with just me, myself & i. i always find time to clutter my mind... but what exactly does that do for me? i feel as if it's like sand between my toes- a little sand doesn't reallly bother me at first... but once the sand starts accumulating, i freak out. i hate being dirty.
this is my freakout moment.
i used to put aside time for myself... myself & God. usually with pen & a paper... i just write right what's on my mind, what i'm feeling, what i want to do with my life, why my life is perfect just the way it is, right now.
i have stopped- cluttered it with useless & mindless information and facts that will never come to light & help impact someone's life.
i look at others & ALWAYS wonder how they got to that point... & when i am sitting here wondering... i forget to lead my own reckless life.
i'm really good at stepping back & observing the situation.
i'm really bad at getting back in the game. i'm not exactly sure as to why... i was always so timid. i can blame it on my parents, i can blame it on how i grew up... but really. how old am i? shouldn't i be able to determine my own course?
growing up is hard to do. something i have to consciously do- something i have to work at. something i am going to have to cultivate.
it's unsettling really.
it'd be nice not to.
i have friends going to lse, and i thought that was the coolest thing ever. i felt very jealous. i so desperately want to go back to england. the nostalgia kills me sometimes. the freedom, the vast array of people, personalities, the professors, the country... everything was so magical. the times were times of life & love. even in times where i sat in my dorm room, listening to the rain & writing an essay... i was so happy. so so happy.
but i figure... if i really want to go back, i'd make it happen!
... so that's not what's desperately bothering me.
oh!
la is burning. the ash frightens and saddens me.
i'm applying to one grad school. one that is not internationally known, one that is not overrated, one that does not come with an 'ahh' when you tell someone.
... & i'm ok with it.
i just wish eveyrone else was too.
i don't like when people impose themselves in my life.
can you not do that please? thanks.
it's late. i should be going to bed, but i have a lot of thoughts. not necessarily good or deep ones... just ones that buzz around in your brain like those annoying socal fruit flies. ugh. great.