freak out

i'm having a freak out moment right now, but i look incredibly calm, cool, and collected. nobody knowssssss O_O
(well, by nobody i guess i mean my parents -_-)
i need out. PRONTOOOOOOoooooooooo.

therapy

i say i want to be different.
i want to change the world.
but how am i going about doing so?
why don't i have the passion to care about big things?
honestly? i don't care for world peace or saving the hungry.
does that make me bad?
i care for making one person happy, one step at a time.
isn't that more realistic?
i just want to be happy for the rest of my life.
i don't know what this includes.
i'm so jealous of people who are freed from consumerism. i wish i was. i want to stop wanting new clothes, shoes. i want to stop being jealous of those that can buy them on a whim.
i am pretty sure it doesn't make them all that happy in the long run; in fact, there was a study that showed that people with lots of things are less liked.
but i wouldn't mind having them ~
i am making it a point in my life now to free myself of frivolity.
i want to be happy with what i have. this means, less money on clothes--more money on adventure!
i bought a ticket to go to australia this summer. i vowed to go out of the country at least once a year for the rest of my life. i'm pretty damn excited. i saved up and bought clothes from buffalo exchange so i could afford to dress to impress and do so in other countries ;)
i think that's what i want.
i want life.

steps to cleaning out my life:
- clean out my room; throw things AWAY!
- stop shopping. --> oy, this one's going to be quite difficult ~
- save up: either for an apt., a ticket out of america, or for a rainy day :)
- see a shrink.
- be thankful.

just today i was going out to lunch with my family, nervous about the impending suns loss (i was already mentally preparing myself; how sad is that :[) and i thought about the championship ring.
this ring is what these ball players are fighting for. this ring shows that they are better than the other teams. this ring defines them.
... and i thought to myself, REALLY? hahahah.
for girls, i would say a wedding ring defined them too ~
anyway, this ring. a ring is a thing. it will eventually ... cease to exist.
and i thought... yeah, it'd be nice for nash and hill to have a ring... or to see the finals. they worked so hard toward it. but at the same time, i know that they are both happy (already) from what they accomplished. sure, everyone's disappointed, but why am I taking this so hard??
it's just a ring.
that's when i thought... boy, i am sure glad JESUS is alive. jesus is not a thing & will NEVER cease to exist. jesus is God, God is l.o.v.e.
and i thought of love and thought... see, THAT'S what's worth fighting for.

life & love.
doesn't get much better than that.

like the bipolar patient that i saw in group therapy, i am... "too blessed to be stressed!"
i could learn from the "mentally disabled." they know how to fight for life, and love hard.
maybe it's time i do the same.

i'm pretty sure i know more people like this than not.
pls don't tell me if you are one of these people.
my dad and i had a conversation about two women we knew that settled because they were getting older.
god help me if i turn into one of those women.

free falling

i think every girl has insecurities.
for some odd reason, i find people surprised when i share mine.
they look at me incredulously saying something along the lines of, "but you seem so free..."
being unashamed of who i am and having insecurities are two different things.
for example, every time i go through a tunnel, i wish for a happier life.
i'm not living a miserable one, but is too much happiness ever a bad thing?

blue eyes

i really enjoyed this weekend.

domestic

several days ago, i went to a little baby niece's 100 day.
oh, god, it was so awkward.
i was at the celebration pre-parents so it was up to me to make introductions (the hosts were unavailable being, well, hosts).
i sat there awkwardly. i had my food awkwardly. it wasn't until half an hour passed by and people started talking to me.
after i went home, though, i wondered why i was so awkward.
it wasn't only the influx of strangers into what was familiar to me... it was the domestic nature of the whole thing.
about 90% of the visitors were couples with children.
don't get me wrong, i wish to be one of them someday, i think. i want the "perfect" marriage, children, a family in a cushy place like laguna... but i definitely am not there yet. haha.
i didn't know what to talk about, how to be.
diapers? children's toys? clothes? umm, no thank you.
when i was talked to, it was mainly because my cousin's husband was poking fun at my love for the phoenix suns. ... of course it was like being a lamb in a lion's den. all the dudes ate me up alive. O_O
anyway, i digress.
i know the domestic life isn't the life for me now, but i think i've come to terms of wanting some sort of it later on in the future. i think it'd be a rewarding challenge.
i wonder when that time will come.
i'm learning to embrace it, and that's a huge step for me.
i don't know what the point of this post was. i guess admitting the fact that i want to embrace my inner woman and someday be maternal would be a welcoming change for me?
i'm planning on taking cooking lessons this summer. and maybe do a brief stint in beauty school.
heheheheee.
i guess this means i'm growing up? gross.

mystery

i like to retain a mystery.
i think life is more fun and romantic with mystery.
mystery is awfully lonely, though.
in a world full of facebook, myspace, twitter, blogspot, tumblr, wordpress, ...
mystery is all gone.

"even the shrinks have shrinks in yew york city!" --stanford

i was stood up by my shrink today.
oy~
i will never let that happen to my clients. i'm relatively sane and it did feel like quite a load of crap.
last time i'm calling herrrrrrrrr.
sayonara, bitch.

have to wake up too early tomorrow morning ~~
sigh.
tomorrow is going to be crazyyy. i'm already exhausted.

nip something in the bud

Fig. to put an end to something before it develops into something larger. (Alludes to destroying a flower bud before it blooms.)

i think i did this today. no, i'm pretty sure.
this phrase sounds simple enough. too bad it's not.
to nip something in the bud is to end something before it develops. however, for anything to develop there must be a root. the root, i think, runs deeper than the beauty that is the flower that blooms.
additionally, the flower will definitely die if the root is bad.
fostering the root, then, becomes essential for the beginning of anything--a flower, a friendship, a relationship.
if the root is planted in any sort of wrong, the flower will suffer. if there is any sort of deviance, the flower will not bloom fully or as beautifully as it potentially could.

so.

to nip anything in the bud, as simple as it sounds, is not easy.
pulling out that root is not easy.
the root will leave an emptiness behind.
in all that, there is quiet and still pain.

sometimes,

doing nothing suits me just fine.
i'm completely uninspired.
i wish i had a lot of money so i can run away somewhere and never come out.
i want to sleep forever.
i wish i didn't know so much about the people i care about.
i forget to live in the moment and end up living somewhere in the far distant future.
i am ruthlessly efficient.

the past week has been such a blur--a blur of happiness & complete exhaustion.
what happened to falling? you know, falling in love. love with friends, men.
i don't feel like i'm falling. i feel like i'm sprinting. sometimes it's not comfortable. sometimes it's tiresome.
i know that it is worth it. without the time i spend with people, i'd be worse off than i am now.
but why am i so completely exhausted? drained?

i think i'm so attracted to the bohemian life because it's glorified--glorified as free and unencumbered.
but that can't possibly be true, can it? with no steady source of income, how does one pay the bills? feed oneself? keep a roof over his or her head? what is the secret to waking up the very next morning, energized to tackle life? is it more sleep? rest? no, i've had that. is it healthier food? possibly. is it a routine? not ruling that out.

but in such a twisted world where good people are so bad and bad people are redeemed, does humanity have a chance at a happy medium?

i can understand why there are so many faithful and faithless people. faithful people need something to cling on to and faithless people cling to themselves. either way, it is a desperate attempt to a fulfilled life.

i feel like i can't make any mistakes anymore. i feel like i have to grow up now. i feel like i have to tackle and handle things i'm just not prepared to. i used to be okay with it. i used to enjoy and revel in challenges.
i'm burned out, though. i just want to do nothing for a good amount of time and remember who i am--the happy, mirthful optimist who thought the world was her oyster. the girl who never had her heart broken. the girl who never endured emotional trauma. the girl who was sure that right always prevailed. the girl who was so sure of who she was and what/who she was living for.

i don't know how i got here.

i guess, then, the true test of my character is overcoming this challenge?

but what if i fail?

fresh~

i used to be totally into sports. in middle school i played basketball EVERY SINGLE lunch, rain or shine.
i watched the lakers growing up with the neighborhood kids and watched the utah jazz with my dad.
i watched rose bowls with friends and i LOVED playing football on a large field.
i wasn't a huge fan of softball, but i wasn't bad at hitting the ball so if ever the opportunity rolled around i would pick up a bat and swing.
i LOVED the aching feeling i got after a good game and always ALWAYS enjoyed winning.

i don't know why i stopped.
i stopped watching, participating, and enjoying sports.

not until recently did i remember HOW MUCH i LOVED the smell and feel of freshly cut grass on a field. how much i LOVED running. how much i LOVED learning about different techniques on how to throw or hit a ball. i LOVE the feel of a football and the rush i get when i catch one. i LOVE the rush i get when i hear the crack of the bat when it meets the softball. i LOVE when i take a shot and i hear the familiar "swoosh" from it hitting the net.
it's such a pure moment. just you and the ball. it's completely satisfying and a small, but ultimate high.
the high lingers sometimes, sometimes it doesn't. either way, you always want another fix.

i love seeing intricate plays on any sort of field. i revel in wit on the court. when skilled players play with their heart, mind and strength.

sigh.

it's good to be back, baby.

(re-reading the post, i realized how much of a parallel there is with the high of sports and the high of Jesus's reality. haha, so corny. no, really. i forgot what it felt like to have sports in my life. sometimes i forget the reality of Jesus. days become droll and i rarely woke up feeling excited about life. but now that i am being fed and reveling in the precious love that IS Jayzess, i feel revived. i am back on the field. just me and him. and it's going to be a damn good game.)

extravagance

extravagant - exceeding the bounds of something; extreme; exorbitant

i think i'm addicted to extravagance.
i love to be overwhelmed, especially with beauty. i think it's the most fulfilling thing in the world. when i am enamored by a painting or with God's love for me, my heart stops.
i love to be free. i hate feeling restrained. i hate having bounds. i hate rules. but not living according to the rules is extremely lonely unless you find that one someone that just might feel the same way. i think i found some people that do. very little, but they are all i will ever need <3
i don't like normalcy. i think normalcy is overrated. at the same time, normalcy is comfortable. i don't know what i would want, actually-- normalcy or loneliness. hm.
i like when things have character--a smartness to them. wit. i highly enjoy wit. i think wit is absolutely fabulous.
i like when things are not in order. i feel intimidated when things are in order. i feel like even more of a misfit than i actually am. makes me uncomfortable.
i like when things are sparkly, soft, suede, slick, spotty, stripey, spicy, sweet, sour, sappy, and too soon.
or things that are especially bright, or well done.
at the same time, i don't think extravagance necessarily has to be expensive.
what do i consider extravagant...
the last piece of the decadent chocolate cake.
waking up to sweetly chirping birds.
the mini kitkat bar after a long day.
a smile that greets you at the door.
pandora!

when two souls connect.

you know, those times when your heart GLOWS. <- that, in no way, is normal. that is exceeding the bounds of what this world can offer. it is most definitely extravagant. i hope i never forget that.

<3

sigh :D

04/22-04/25: visit from one of my favorite girls <3
04/26-05/04: visit from my favorite boyyy <3 <3

is this okay? can i really be this happy? :):):)

i feel like

“Being in love is… anxious. Wanting to please, worrying that she will see me as I really am. But wanting to be known…. I wanted her to see me and to love me even though she knew everything I am, and I knew her. Now she’s gone, and my knowledge is incomplete. So all day I imagine what she is doing, what she says and who she talks to, how she looks. I try to supply the missing hours, and it gets harder as they pile up, all the time she’s been gone. I have to imagine….”

—

Martin Wells, from Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

this quote perfectly embodies what i want to say, but just can't seem to. 

drunkenness

i realize that everyone likes to drink.
whether it be for the taste or the effects, people drink. well, mormons don't drink. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!
this post is going to be about what it always is about.
life.
i have a quote that sticks with me in my head that says something along the lines of having to be drunk for one to fully enjoy his or her life.
now, i don't mean alkie drunk. well, it could be that. BUT. let me explain.
this post will go a little along my thought processes of being overwhelmed.
these days i wanted to be overwhelmed with anything else but the looming due dates for papers & exams. finals in the next two weeks, i believe, and i haven't completely done all my reading & the reading i HAVE done hasn't completely sunken in yet.
i'm burnt OUT.
i will get to my point soon, i promise.
so i've been feeling overwhelmed with school.
but that is how i live my life. wading through shit to get through the bright light at the end (here's hoping!).
however, to make life worthwhile, i think that's what it takes.
being overwhelmed. being drunk.
people can be drunk with anything--the spirit, love, purpose, etc. doesn't necessarily have to be alcohol. of course if it is, you can be giving me business. alcoholism is a psychiatric disease as much as it is a physical one.
anyway.
to be drunk. that is how, i think, people SHOULD live their lives. coming from a rationalist, this concept may seem strange. my brows are furrowed, actually, as i write this. it seems to go against everything i believe in.
everything should make sense. but sometimes, i think that's the wrong way to go.
life will never make sense.
one can make sense of it all he or she wants, but ultimately, life will win.
i am not saying that analyzing situations is bad. by no means! however, it should be a means to an end. NOT an end.
i am overwhelmed with the mundane. i am drunk with ... purpose.
i want to be overwhelmed with beauty and drunk with happiness.
i am being overwhelmed now in hopes of being drunk later.
but that doesn't mean i can't enjoy the drink or two now, now does it? ;)
bottoms up! here's to life.

self-efficacy

i have two papers to write tonight. not that these papers have to be long, but these papers need to be thought out.
to, perhaps, encourage the creative juices to flow, i thought i might write some personal thoughts on the concept of 'self-efficacy.'
it's funny that i was assigned to write on such a topic because just yesterday i was told not be so ... independent.

at this point in my life, i thought the 'can do' attitude was absolutely imperative in my life to achieve what i have to achieve. going to a smaller school, i made it a personal mission to graduate top of my class (or, at least, top 3). i have a B+ in one of my classes and i am shaken to the bone.
i have dependence issues. i hate dependence. being dependent or seeing someone so dependent disgusts me. i feel a perpetual, compelling need to be independent and ABLE to take care of myself.

i have two reasons, so far, as to why i feel this way.
the first reason comes in the form of my last relationship. i was very dependent on this person and it blew up in my face. i thought that's what guys wanted- the damsel in distress. haha. well, i got that one alright. i was definitely in distress... after we broke up. the breakup got me thinking, though... what is it that I want to be in a relationship? in the journey to answer this question, i thought it perfect to collect myself first. what people haven't told me so explicitly, though, is thinking of myself NEVER STOPS. people are inherently self-centered. even to help others, one is to help one's self.
the second reason comes in the form of my current career goals. to be a therapist, i should have my life in some form of order. it is unfair of me to ask my clients to be or do certain things while i am doing just the opposite. therefore, i was even more driven to handle myself, and handle myself well.

the secret to going crazy, though, is thinking everything can be done on one's own.

sunday proved to be such a day. i cracked. i cracked in front of one, or maybe two, people. i was frustrated with myself, my life, and the choices i've made thus far. i felt like i was doing everything 'wrong' and feeling frustrated that i just can't seem to be 'right.'

beautiful thought, though: i don't always have to be right. 

while i was enjoying the BEAUTIFUL day with a dear friend, she stuck out her arm to me. she told me to grab her arm. i did so. in the process of doing so, she grabbed mine. now, she told me to let go of her arm. while i let go, her grip was still very firm on mine. she then told me to grab hold of her arm, once again. i did so. she told me then to let go. i let go. through all this time, her arm was steadily gripped on mine.
my arm never left her fingers' grasp.
this was an illustration to show that whether i "can do" things or not, God can. i will try and try again... and fail.
i will continue to make bad choices, i will continue to be frustrated beyond belief, i will continue... to be and do things that i will not be completely happy about... but why stress? worry? really, self-efficacy is not ME, self-efficacy is the jesus IN me.
i am slowly... slowly... EVER SO PAINFULLY learning.
i can have faith and be taken care of. i can not have faith and be taken care of. fact of the matter is, my Father has always got my back.

i can only live in the present. i can only go so far. i am merely human. the beautiful thing about that is, so is everyone else.
 

man,

staying out of trouble has been harder than i thought ;)
thinking of staying in this friday night catching up on my studies and having some wine.

i think i'm totally ok with that. :) :)

in Wonderland

Alice: Well, when I was lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who'd ever think to look for me here?
[sigh]
Alice: Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.

for all you asian boys~

HOPE!

or for the girls... disaster?

who would've thought having boys and girls exist together would complicate life so much?
THERE ARE ONLY TWO! imagine if there were THREE genders? oy vey.

well put, william!

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”

—	William Shakespeare