i used to be totally into sports. in middle school i played basketball EVERY SINGLE lunch, rain or shine.
i watched the lakers growing up with the neighborhood kids and watched the utah jazz with my dad.
i watched rose bowls with friends and i LOVED playing football on a large field.
i wasn't a huge fan of softball, but i wasn't bad at hitting the ball so if ever the opportunity rolled around i would pick up a bat and swing.
i LOVED the aching feeling i got after a good game and always ALWAYS enjoyed winning.
i don't know why i stopped.
i stopped watching, participating, and enjoying sports.
not until recently did i remember HOW MUCH i LOVED the smell and feel of freshly cut grass on a field. how much i LOVED running. how much i LOVED learning about different techniques on how to throw or hit a ball. i LOVE the feel of a football and the rush i get when i catch one. i LOVE the rush i get when i hear the crack of the bat when it meets the softball. i LOVE when i take a shot and i hear the familiar "swoosh" from it hitting the net.
it's such a pure moment. just you and the ball. it's completely satisfying and a small, but ultimate high.
the high lingers sometimes, sometimes it doesn't. either way, you always want another fix.
i love seeing intricate plays on any sort of field. i revel in wit on the court. when skilled players play with their heart, mind and strength.
sigh.
it's good to be back, baby.
(re-reading the post, i realized how much of a parallel there is with the high of sports and the high of Jesus's reality. haha, so corny. no, really. i forgot what it felt like to have sports in my life. sometimes i forget the reality of Jesus. days become droll and i rarely woke up feeling excited about life. but now that i am being fed and reveling in the precious love that IS Jayzess, i feel revived. i am back on the field. just me and him. and it's going to be a damn good game.)
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
extravagance
extravagant - exceeding the bounds of something; extreme; exorbitant
i think i'm addicted to extravagance.
i love to be overwhelmed, especially with beauty. i think it's the most fulfilling thing in the world. when i am enamored by a painting or with God's love for me, my heart stops.
i love to be free. i hate feeling restrained. i hate having bounds. i hate rules. but not living according to the rules is extremely lonely unless you find that one someone that just might feel the same way. i think i found some people that do. very little, but they are all i will ever need <3
i don't like normalcy. i think normalcy is overrated. at the same time, normalcy is comfortable. i don't know what i would want, actually-- normalcy or loneliness. hm.
i like when things have character--a smartness to them. wit. i highly enjoy wit. i think wit is absolutely fabulous.
i like when things are not in order. i feel intimidated when things are in order. i feel like even more of a misfit than i actually am. makes me uncomfortable.
i like when things are sparkly, soft, suede, slick, spotty, stripey, spicy, sweet, sour, sappy, and too soon.
or things that are especially bright, or well done.
at the same time, i don't think extravagance necessarily has to be expensive.
what do i consider extravagant...
the last piece of the decadent chocolate cake.
waking up to sweetly chirping birds.
the mini kitkat bar after a long day.
a smile that greets you at the door.
pandora!
when two souls connect.
you know, those times when your heart GLOWS. <- that, in no way, is normal. that is exceeding the bounds of what this world can offer. it is most definitely extravagant. i hope i never forget that.
<3
i think i'm addicted to extravagance.
i love to be overwhelmed, especially with beauty. i think it's the most fulfilling thing in the world. when i am enamored by a painting or with God's love for me, my heart stops.
i love to be free. i hate feeling restrained. i hate having bounds. i hate rules. but not living according to the rules is extremely lonely unless you find that one someone that just might feel the same way. i think i found some people that do. very little, but they are all i will ever need <3
i don't like normalcy. i think normalcy is overrated. at the same time, normalcy is comfortable. i don't know what i would want, actually-- normalcy or loneliness. hm.
i like when things have character--a smartness to them. wit. i highly enjoy wit. i think wit is absolutely fabulous.
i like when things are not in order. i feel intimidated when things are in order. i feel like even more of a misfit than i actually am. makes me uncomfortable.
i like when things are sparkly, soft, suede, slick, spotty, stripey, spicy, sweet, sour, sappy, and too soon.
or things that are especially bright, or well done.
at the same time, i don't think extravagance necessarily has to be expensive.
what do i consider extravagant...
the last piece of the decadent chocolate cake.
waking up to sweetly chirping birds.
the mini kitkat bar after a long day.
a smile that greets you at the door.
pandora!
when two souls connect.
you know, those times when your heart GLOWS. <- that, in no way, is normal. that is exceeding the bounds of what this world can offer. it is most definitely extravagant. i hope i never forget that.
<3
Sunday, April 11, 2010
sigh :D
04/22-04/25: visit from one of my favorite girls <3
04/26-05/04: visit from my favorite boyyy <3 <3
is this okay? can i really be this happy? :):):)
04/26-05/04: visit from my favorite boyyy <3 <3
is this okay? can i really be this happy? :):):)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
i feel like
“Being in love is… anxious. Wanting to please, worrying that she will see me as I really am. But wanting to be known…. I wanted her to see me and to love me even though she knew everything I am, and I knew her. Now she’s gone, and my knowledge is incomplete. So all day I imagine what she is doing, what she says and who she talks to, how she looks. I try to supply the missing hours, and it gets harder as they pile up, all the time she’s been gone. I have to imagine….”
this quote perfectly embodies what i want to say, but just can't seem to.
| — | Martin Wells, from Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger |
this quote perfectly embodies what i want to say, but just can't seem to.
drunkenness
i realize that everyone likes to drink.
whether it be for the taste or the effects, people drink. well, mormons don't drink. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!
this post is going to be about what it always is about.
life.
i have a quote that sticks with me in my head that says something along the lines of having to be drunk for one to fully enjoy his or her life.
now, i don't mean alkie drunk. well, it could be that. BUT. let me explain.
this post will go a little along my thought processes of being overwhelmed.
these days i wanted to be overwhelmed with anything else but the looming due dates for papers & exams. finals in the next two weeks, i believe, and i haven't completely done all my reading & the reading i HAVE done hasn't completely sunken in yet.
i'm burnt OUT.
i will get to my point soon, i promise.
so i've been feeling overwhelmed with school.
but that is how i live my life. wading through shit to get through the bright light at the end (here's hoping!).
however, to make life worthwhile, i think that's what it takes.
being overwhelmed. being drunk.
people can be drunk with anything--the spirit, love, purpose, etc. doesn't necessarily have to be alcohol. of course if it is, you can be giving me business. alcoholism is a psychiatric disease as much as it is a physical one.
anyway.
to be drunk. that is how, i think, people SHOULD live their lives. coming from a rationalist, this concept may seem strange. my brows are furrowed, actually, as i write this. it seems to go against everything i believe in.
everything should make sense. but sometimes, i think that's the wrong way to go.
life will never make sense.
one can make sense of it all he or she wants, but ultimately, life will win.
i am not saying that analyzing situations is bad. by no means! however, it should be a means to an end. NOT an end.
i am overwhelmed with the mundane. i am drunk with ... purpose.
i want to be overwhelmed with beauty and drunk with happiness.
i am being overwhelmed now in hopes of being drunk later.
but that doesn't mean i can't enjoy the drink or two now, now does it? ;)
bottoms up! here's to life.
whether it be for the taste or the effects, people drink. well, mormons don't drink. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!
this post is going to be about what it always is about.
life.
i have a quote that sticks with me in my head that says something along the lines of having to be drunk for one to fully enjoy his or her life.
now, i don't mean alkie drunk. well, it could be that. BUT. let me explain.
this post will go a little along my thought processes of being overwhelmed.
these days i wanted to be overwhelmed with anything else but the looming due dates for papers & exams. finals in the next two weeks, i believe, and i haven't completely done all my reading & the reading i HAVE done hasn't completely sunken in yet.
i'm burnt OUT.
i will get to my point soon, i promise.
so i've been feeling overwhelmed with school.
but that is how i live my life. wading through shit to get through the bright light at the end (here's hoping!).
however, to make life worthwhile, i think that's what it takes.
being overwhelmed. being drunk.
people can be drunk with anything--the spirit, love, purpose, etc. doesn't necessarily have to be alcohol. of course if it is, you can be giving me business. alcoholism is a psychiatric disease as much as it is a physical one.
anyway.
to be drunk. that is how, i think, people SHOULD live their lives. coming from a rationalist, this concept may seem strange. my brows are furrowed, actually, as i write this. it seems to go against everything i believe in.
everything should make sense. but sometimes, i think that's the wrong way to go.
life will never make sense.
one can make sense of it all he or she wants, but ultimately, life will win.
i am not saying that analyzing situations is bad. by no means! however, it should be a means to an end. NOT an end.
i am overwhelmed with the mundane. i am drunk with ... purpose.
i want to be overwhelmed with beauty and drunk with happiness.
i am being overwhelmed now in hopes of being drunk later.
but that doesn't mean i can't enjoy the drink or two now, now does it? ;)
bottoms up! here's to life.
Monday, April 5, 2010
self-efficacy
i have two papers to write tonight. not that these papers have to be long, but these papers need to be thought out.
to, perhaps, encourage the creative juices to flow, i thought i might write some personal thoughts on the concept of 'self-efficacy.'
it's funny that i was assigned to write on such a topic because just yesterday i was told not be so ... independent.
at this point in my life, i thought the 'can do' attitude was absolutely imperative in my life to achieve what i have to achieve. going to a smaller school, i made it a personal mission to graduate top of my class (or, at least, top 3). i have a B+ in one of my classes and i am shaken to the bone.
i have dependence issues. i hate dependence. being dependent or seeing someone so dependent disgusts me. i feel a perpetual, compelling need to be independent and ABLE to take care of myself.
i have two reasons, so far, as to why i feel this way.
the first reason comes in the form of my last relationship. i was very dependent on this person and it blew up in my face. i thought that's what guys wanted- the damsel in distress. haha. well, i got that one alright. i was definitely in distress... after we broke up. the breakup got me thinking, though... what is it that I want to be in a relationship? in the journey to answer this question, i thought it perfect to collect myself first. what people haven't told me so explicitly, though, is thinking of myself NEVER STOPS. people are inherently self-centered. even to help others, one is to help one's self.
the second reason comes in the form of my current career goals. to be a therapist, i should have my life in some form of order. it is unfair of me to ask my clients to be or do certain things while i am doing just the opposite. therefore, i was even more driven to handle myself, and handle myself well.
the secret to going crazy, though, is thinking everything can be done on one's own.
sunday proved to be such a day. i cracked. i cracked in front of one, or maybe two, people. i was frustrated with myself, my life, and the choices i've made thus far. i felt like i was doing everything 'wrong' and feeling frustrated that i just can't seem to be 'right.'
beautiful thought, though: i don't always have to be right.
while i was enjoying the BEAUTIFUL day with a dear friend, she stuck out her arm to me. she told me to grab her arm. i did so. in the process of doing so, she grabbed mine. now, she told me to let go of her arm. while i let go, her grip was still very firm on mine. she then told me to grab hold of her arm, once again. i did so. she told me then to let go. i let go. through all this time, her arm was steadily gripped on mine.
my arm never left her fingers' grasp.
this was an illustration to show that whether i "can do" things or not, God can. i will try and try again... and fail.
i will continue to make bad choices, i will continue to be frustrated beyond belief, i will continue... to be and do things that i will not be completely happy about... but why stress? worry? really, self-efficacy is not ME, self-efficacy is the jesus IN me.
i am slowly... slowly... EVER SO PAINFULLY learning.
i can have faith and be taken care of. i can not have faith and be taken care of. fact of the matter is, my Father has always got my back.
i can only live in the present. i can only go so far. i am merely human. the beautiful thing about that is, so is everyone else.
to, perhaps, encourage the creative juices to flow, i thought i might write some personal thoughts on the concept of 'self-efficacy.'
it's funny that i was assigned to write on such a topic because just yesterday i was told not be so ... independent.
at this point in my life, i thought the 'can do' attitude was absolutely imperative in my life to achieve what i have to achieve. going to a smaller school, i made it a personal mission to graduate top of my class (or, at least, top 3). i have a B+ in one of my classes and i am shaken to the bone.
i have dependence issues. i hate dependence. being dependent or seeing someone so dependent disgusts me. i feel a perpetual, compelling need to be independent and ABLE to take care of myself.
i have two reasons, so far, as to why i feel this way.
the first reason comes in the form of my last relationship. i was very dependent on this person and it blew up in my face. i thought that's what guys wanted- the damsel in distress. haha. well, i got that one alright. i was definitely in distress... after we broke up. the breakup got me thinking, though... what is it that I want to be in a relationship? in the journey to answer this question, i thought it perfect to collect myself first. what people haven't told me so explicitly, though, is thinking of myself NEVER STOPS. people are inherently self-centered. even to help others, one is to help one's self.
the second reason comes in the form of my current career goals. to be a therapist, i should have my life in some form of order. it is unfair of me to ask my clients to be or do certain things while i am doing just the opposite. therefore, i was even more driven to handle myself, and handle myself well.
the secret to going crazy, though, is thinking everything can be done on one's own.
sunday proved to be such a day. i cracked. i cracked in front of one, or maybe two, people. i was frustrated with myself, my life, and the choices i've made thus far. i felt like i was doing everything 'wrong' and feeling frustrated that i just can't seem to be 'right.'
beautiful thought, though: i don't always have to be right.
while i was enjoying the BEAUTIFUL day with a dear friend, she stuck out her arm to me. she told me to grab her arm. i did so. in the process of doing so, she grabbed mine. now, she told me to let go of her arm. while i let go, her grip was still very firm on mine. she then told me to grab hold of her arm, once again. i did so. she told me then to let go. i let go. through all this time, her arm was steadily gripped on mine.
my arm never left her fingers' grasp.
this was an illustration to show that whether i "can do" things or not, God can. i will try and try again... and fail.
i will continue to make bad choices, i will continue to be frustrated beyond belief, i will continue... to be and do things that i will not be completely happy about... but why stress? worry? really, self-efficacy is not ME, self-efficacy is the jesus IN me.
i am slowly... slowly... EVER SO PAINFULLY learning.
i can have faith and be taken care of. i can not have faith and be taken care of. fact of the matter is, my Father has always got my back.
i can only live in the present. i can only go so far. i am merely human. the beautiful thing about that is, so is everyone else.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
man,
staying out of trouble has been harder than i thought ;)
thinking of staying in this friday night catching up on my studies and having some wine.
i think i'm totally ok with that. :) :)
thinking of staying in this friday night catching up on my studies and having some wine.
i think i'm totally ok with that. :) :)
Monday, March 29, 2010
in Wonderland
Alice: Well, when I was lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who'd ever think to look for me here?
[sigh]
Alice: Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.
[sigh]
Alice: Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
for all you asian boys~
or for the girls... disaster?
who would've thought having boys and girls exist together would complicate life so much?
THERE ARE ONLY TWO! imagine if there were THREE genders? oy vey.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
well put, william!
“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”
| — | William Shakespeare |
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
ache
my head aches, my heart aches, my body aches.
i've been studying all day every day (seems like) since january. i am in a long distance relationship. i walked around in heels all day yesterday running around, making sure children were not impaled by softballs.
sometimes i feel completely enshrouded by the negatives in life. i am, as happy as i can be, the type of gal to see the glass as half empty. it's not completely healthy, but it's the way i am wired. sometimes, it sucks.
to be frank, i want a lot of things. i want my friends to come see ME in ARCADIA, for a change. i want my parents to appreciate me. i want my church to be closer. i want to travel the world. i don't want to be tied down to school. i want my boyfriend to live on the mainland. particularly, southern california.
and when i see people that have good friends close by, people to appreciate them, a good church nearer to home, time to travel, money to spend, and face time with his or her boyfriend/girlfriend, my whole being shakes with envy.
i had that in college. i wish i appreciated it more.
but when i look at how i spend my weekends, when i'm not in school and letting my schoolwork pile up (heh...)....
i am enjoying that time SO purely. it's exhilaration just SEEING people i love.
i am ecstatic to come to church. i LOVE hearing the gospel message and being set free every weekend. i LOVE seeing my friends, that i treasure so dearly. i APPRECIATE that everyone drives me around in the OC because people that know me well know that i hate driving. i LOVE that i can see their faces despite the distance. i LOVE the meals i share with them and the money i spend to be with them. i LOVE hearing my boyfriend's voice over the phone or seeing his face over skype. i LOVE the sound of laughter and the ridding of pain. i REVEL in the children that i see on sundays, ESPECIALLY tyler. i LOVE hugs. i LOVE the little crinkles in peoples' eyes when they REALLY smile because they are REALLY happy to see me. i LOVE that i can complain with my classmates about the course load and the fact that we, still, tend to procrastinate (although we can't afford to all that much anymore -_-).
i guess i shouldn't be as miserable as i am.
but i hope people do know that i am human, and that i do get overwhelmed.
ps- vera wang at kohl's? REALLY?
i've been studying all day every day (seems like) since january. i am in a long distance relationship. i walked around in heels all day yesterday running around, making sure children were not impaled by softballs.
sometimes i feel completely enshrouded by the negatives in life. i am, as happy as i can be, the type of gal to see the glass as half empty. it's not completely healthy, but it's the way i am wired. sometimes, it sucks.
to be frank, i want a lot of things. i want my friends to come see ME in ARCADIA, for a change. i want my parents to appreciate me. i want my church to be closer. i want to travel the world. i don't want to be tied down to school. i want my boyfriend to live on the mainland. particularly, southern california.
and when i see people that have good friends close by, people to appreciate them, a good church nearer to home, time to travel, money to spend, and face time with his or her boyfriend/girlfriend, my whole being shakes with envy.
i had that in college. i wish i appreciated it more.
but when i look at how i spend my weekends, when i'm not in school and letting my schoolwork pile up (heh...)....
i am enjoying that time SO purely. it's exhilaration just SEEING people i love.
i am ecstatic to come to church. i LOVE hearing the gospel message and being set free every weekend. i LOVE seeing my friends, that i treasure so dearly. i APPRECIATE that everyone drives me around in the OC because people that know me well know that i hate driving. i LOVE that i can see their faces despite the distance. i LOVE the meals i share with them and the money i spend to be with them. i LOVE hearing my boyfriend's voice over the phone or seeing his face over skype. i LOVE the sound of laughter and the ridding of pain. i REVEL in the children that i see on sundays, ESPECIALLY tyler. i LOVE hugs. i LOVE the little crinkles in peoples' eyes when they REALLY smile because they are REALLY happy to see me. i LOVE that i can complain with my classmates about the course load and the fact that we, still, tend to procrastinate (although we can't afford to all that much anymore -_-).
i guess i shouldn't be as miserable as i am.
but i hope people do know that i am human, and that i do get overwhelmed.
ps- vera wang at kohl's? REALLY?
Friday, March 12, 2010
Is it even love if you’re willing to give up on it?
Being a part of a duo has severely impacted my writing.
My emotions mean a little bit more because I am sharing them. It's a very strange concept to me and I always wonder if what I'm doing is right.
I'm watching The Shawshank Redemption right now & this movie kills me every time. I think this movie is especially popular because it brings out the humanity in people. The deceit, the hurt, being institutionalized, being treated unfairly, having success, being part of a routine, having camaraderie, death, life, ...
This movie is SO OBVIOUSLY fake. Haha. But as a civilian a lot can be learned, I think.
More often than not I obsess over things that are temporary. I want certain brands of clothes, certain ways of living. Why, though?
It's so easy to love when one is comfortable. It's so easy to understand.
It was so easy to see God when I was in college. I had classes once in awhile, saw my friends when I wanted, ate out, ate in, had money, etc.
It still is easy to see God now. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back. I don't have much money, but I am getting by. I see my friends when I can and have the privelege of obtaining a higher education. I am young, vibrant, and educated. The world is my oyster.
When I think of those women who made poor choices in life, have had kids at fifteen, have to work 15 hour jobs to survive and feed her children, comes home completely drained, needs to go to sleep to repeat the same shit.
Where is God then?
God is there. I believe it. For stronger Christians, that is when one can most see God. Feel God. In the hard times, what else can you cling to? What else can you hope for? Believe in?
But for weaker Christians, why?
Life is difficult. I consider myself lucky.
No, I consider myself loved.
There is no way in hell I am going to give up on it.
Love is so complex... yet so simple. Definitions of love vary, but when times get tough... who is still there? still standing? uncomfortable, but willing?
Ultimately, love should be freeing.
If it's not, you're shit out of luck. :)
My emotions mean a little bit more because I am sharing them. It's a very strange concept to me and I always wonder if what I'm doing is right.
I'm watching The Shawshank Redemption right now & this movie kills me every time. I think this movie is especially popular because it brings out the humanity in people. The deceit, the hurt, being institutionalized, being treated unfairly, having success, being part of a routine, having camaraderie, death, life, ...
This movie is SO OBVIOUSLY fake. Haha. But as a civilian a lot can be learned, I think.
More often than not I obsess over things that are temporary. I want certain brands of clothes, certain ways of living. Why, though?
It's so easy to love when one is comfortable. It's so easy to understand.
It was so easy to see God when I was in college. I had classes once in awhile, saw my friends when I wanted, ate out, ate in, had money, etc.
It still is easy to see God now. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back. I don't have much money, but I am getting by. I see my friends when I can and have the privelege of obtaining a higher education. I am young, vibrant, and educated. The world is my oyster.
When I think of those women who made poor choices in life, have had kids at fifteen, have to work 15 hour jobs to survive and feed her children, comes home completely drained, needs to go to sleep to repeat the same shit.
Where is God then?
God is there. I believe it. For stronger Christians, that is when one can most see God. Feel God. In the hard times, what else can you cling to? What else can you hope for? Believe in?
But for weaker Christians, why?
Life is difficult. I consider myself lucky.
No, I consider myself loved.
There is no way in hell I am going to give up on it.
Love is so complex... yet so simple. Definitions of love vary, but when times get tough... who is still there? still standing? uncomfortable, but willing?
Ultimately, love should be freeing.
If it's not, you're shit out of luck. :)
Monday, March 8, 2010
tis the time to blog~
because i have lots o' papers due soon :)
i didn't end up sleeping early yesterday. i slept at 2:30am. yesssssssssss. no.
i am butt tired. i actually am sleeping early tonight because i cannot keep my eyes open.
i don't have time to be drained.
on a more positive note, olsenboye is out at jcpenney! i am seriously thinking of sifting through some of the looks. i've seen the commercials!!! the clothes aren't half bad & they might just fit me. heh. hopefully i'll be able to swing by one this weekend. yee!
ps. i finally filed my taxes. i can't wait for my refundss :D MONEY IN THE BANK. sounds like a plan to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i didn't end up sleeping early yesterday. i slept at 2:30am. yesssssssssss. no.
i am butt tired. i actually am sleeping early tonight because i cannot keep my eyes open.
i don't have time to be drained.
on a more positive note, olsenboye is out at jcpenney! i am seriously thinking of sifting through some of the looks. i've seen the commercials!!! the clothes aren't half bad & they might just fit me. heh. hopefully i'll be able to swing by one this weekend. yee!
ps. i finally filed my taxes. i can't wait for my refundss :D MONEY IN THE BANK. sounds like a plan to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
be still
"It’s all I have to bring to-day,
This, and my heart beside,
This, and my heart, and all the fields,
And all the meadows wide.
Be sure you count, should I forget,—
Some one the sum could tell,—
This, and my heart, and all the bees
Which in the clover dwell."
This, and my heart beside,
This, and my heart, and all the fields,
And all the meadows wide.
Be sure you count, should I forget,—
Some one the sum could tell,—
This, and my heart, and all the bees
Which in the clover dwell."
Emily Dickinson
12:26a
on my quest to sleeping earlier, i will make this post short & simple.
i realize every day that i need more and more perspective.
i hung up with the manfriend unsettled.
we have been talking about some issues i had with some of his habits & we hung up without reaching a conclusion.
he was tired, i was frustrated. there was nothing more to be said.
i know that i have a knack for being way too human and thus making huge mistakes that i regret later.
as i was thinking about how bothered i was, i thought: what about him?
so i called up a friend. he gave me GREAT perspective.
now to align my feelings with that perspective will be tough, but i am ready & willing.
i always thought relationships to be tough, but never gauged to what extent they could be.
guess it's time to find out! ;)
i realize every day that i need more and more perspective.
i hung up with the manfriend unsettled.
we have been talking about some issues i had with some of his habits & we hung up without reaching a conclusion.
he was tired, i was frustrated. there was nothing more to be said.
i know that i have a knack for being way too human and thus making huge mistakes that i regret later.
as i was thinking about how bothered i was, i thought: what about him?
so i called up a friend. he gave me GREAT perspective.
now to align my feelings with that perspective will be tough, but i am ready & willing.
i always thought relationships to be tough, but never gauged to what extent they could be.
guess it's time to find out! ;)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
en ti tled
i hate when people feel entitled to things.
entitled to their own life, even.
i mean, who secures the very next breath they will take?
sometimes i feel entitled.
& i remember why i shouldn't.
entitled to their own life, even.
i mean, who secures the very next breath they will take?
sometimes i feel entitled.
& i remember why i shouldn't.
Monday, March 1, 2010
the luckiest
And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
Been listening to some really great lyrics. Thrice, Ben Folds...
Word craftsmen, these lyricists are.
The long nights, days of writing/researching, having no social life & too much coffee, more irritable moments than i should have had, patient support systems, sweat, and tears have paid off.
thank you, Lord.
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
Been listening to some really great lyrics. Thrice, Ben Folds...
Word craftsmen, these lyricists are.
The long nights, days of writing/researching, having no social life & too much coffee, more irritable moments than i should have had, patient support systems, sweat, and tears have paid off.
thank you, Lord.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
old maid?
recently i've been staying in more on the weekends.
this is due to the fact that my LIFE (school, social network, etc.) is in the OC & i simply just DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.
i fill up twice a week regardless of going out (just commuting to school/church is eating my soul)& spending those two hours commuting is such a waste of TIME (TIME = MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!).
but, i've still been happy.
granted, i don't have the ideal situation as a 22 year old (living with the parents, err... living with the parents, mostly) but i really can't complain.
well, no, that's a lie. i do complain. and i'm SO THANKFUL for the person hearing the brunt of it :)
i don't pay rent, utilities, and groceries and well, that's a good chunk of change.
so i thought to myself... WOW, i am beginning to hermit myself again (i do so from time to time for no reason. i don't know why!).
but, i'm okay with that.
staying home forces me to relax (which i haven't had much of recently) and calm down. breathe. read a book, soak in the tub, etc.
it's nice.
well, that's what i tell myself anyway so as to not feel like an old maid ;)
this is due to the fact that my LIFE (school, social network, etc.) is in the OC & i simply just DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.
i fill up twice a week regardless of going out (just commuting to school/church is eating my soul)& spending those two hours commuting is such a waste of TIME (TIME = MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!).
but, i've still been happy.
granted, i don't have the ideal situation as a 22 year old (living with the parents, err... living with the parents, mostly) but i really can't complain.
well, no, that's a lie. i do complain. and i'm SO THANKFUL for the person hearing the brunt of it :)
i don't pay rent, utilities, and groceries and well, that's a good chunk of change.
so i thought to myself... WOW, i am beginning to hermit myself again (i do so from time to time for no reason. i don't know why!).
but, i'm okay with that.
staying home forces me to relax (which i haven't had much of recently) and calm down. breathe. read a book, soak in the tub, etc.
it's nice.
well, that's what i tell myself anyway so as to not feel like an old maid ;)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
i think
i think writing comes more naturally when one is unhappy.
actually, i think creativity comes more naturally when one is unhappy.
i don't believe i have ever been awestruck by a creative work done by a very happy person.
and for those that are continually creative, i can only assume that they are perpetually unhappy.
i am the type to be more attracted to the dark, the unhappy, the desolate.
i think this is because i believe there is a certain type to life in unhappiness. that, although an individual may feel that her soul is slowly decaying & her breath is slowly leaving her, it's almost a rebirth.
in actuality, a person will tend not to physically die. it is an emotional death and resurrection.
i think of a phoenix. a phoenix will have a chapter of its life, die & from its ashes, become beautiful again.
i think unhappy people go through that.
i think, sometimes, misery is beautiful.
i mean, without misery, does one really know the depth of being happy? joyful?
from misery comes a very special part of a person that usually lays dormant.
and not that one would want to be miserable all the time! by no means!
but when one is miserable, maybe... just maybe, it's not completely all that bad.
at least you know you are alive.
actually, i think creativity comes more naturally when one is unhappy.
i don't believe i have ever been awestruck by a creative work done by a very happy person.
and for those that are continually creative, i can only assume that they are perpetually unhappy.
i am the type to be more attracted to the dark, the unhappy, the desolate.
i think this is because i believe there is a certain type to life in unhappiness. that, although an individual may feel that her soul is slowly decaying & her breath is slowly leaving her, it's almost a rebirth.
in actuality, a person will tend not to physically die. it is an emotional death and resurrection.
i think of a phoenix. a phoenix will have a chapter of its life, die & from its ashes, become beautiful again.
i think unhappy people go through that.
i think, sometimes, misery is beautiful.
i mean, without misery, does one really know the depth of being happy? joyful?
from misery comes a very special part of a person that usually lays dormant.
and not that one would want to be miserable all the time! by no means!
but when one is miserable, maybe... just maybe, it's not completely all that bad.
at least you know you are alive.
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