i think

i want to know everyone's story b/c i want to know that i'm not going at it alone.

the office

- contrary to popular belief, the women at the office do use the first stall to their right. right next to the sinks.
- paper cuts are not uncommon here. neither are shredding accidents. just kidding.
- secretly, half of the phone calls made on these phones are to a person just three feet away. they're just in a different room/cubicle & the caller doesn't want to get up. ... that or there's some yelling action going on.
- it's always fucking cold.
- neon yellow, green, purple, pink, blue sticki notes provide the wallpaper to dreary off-white/eggshell paint colors with olive green and mahogany brown trimming.
- a classy roach coach rolls around every now & then to provide culture to the WASPS here.
- you know how people are abducted by those nasty lookin' alien things in the beginning of hitchiker's guide? we have a secretary here that looks exactly like it. EXACTLY. come over & seeeeeee.
- pasadena roads are unbearable. people need to go BOTH WAYS.
- we are situated right across the church heidi and spencer got married in. huzzah!
- there are an unnatural count of gay lawyers in this office. i think one is shacking up with a gay secretary. the only male secretary.
- my jewish eye candy is leaving at the end of august. tear*

i think

people need not be so sensitive.
c'est la vie.

epiphany?

i just had the most life-clearing moment.
i need to have these more often.
thank you <3.

tired.

i'm a little tired of the 9-5 grind. honestly.
i don't even come in from 9-5. the kind of work i do i can do at home OR i can finish in one time frame and leave.
when i sit here waiting for something to do is when i go craziest.
watching dog whisperer, i think i found what my problem is.
according to caesar(sp?), dogs only go crazy when they don't have enough release.
so i ask my friends... why am i going crazy; why do i feel so antsy? why do i feel such pent-up energy?
... i sit here at my desk and wait. and wait and wait and wait.
and do some filing, copying, emailing... & wait. no release. just... bottled up... energy...
i think i really need to find an acting gig soon. it will be jumpstarted this friday. yayyy!
that or people can give me money so i can DO things i've always wanted to do.
have crepes in france, climb some mountains, take djing classes, you know. the usual. craziness. haha.
zee endddddddddddd.

freedom

there are limits to being "free."
one cannot be completely "free" without encroaching on another's "freedom."
i put "freedom" in quotation marks because the term is often misconstrued.
"freedom" is not anarchy.
there is freedom in christ. one that i have yet to tap into. the "freedom" that i allowed myself this past weekend is only bearable through the hope that god gives me - that everything in my life will come to good terms for those who love him.
i made mistakes. sometimes, i wish i wasn't human.
and sometimes, i wish humans acted more human - by either acting more civilized... or not.
i wish there wasn't a standard. and for this time only, i wish life could go a tiny bit faster.

the breakup

i really like this movie.
i really like that [SPOILER!!] they don't stay together.
i like real.
reality.
sometimes it sucks... but sometimes... just, sometimes... reality can be so much better than anything else.
i don't know where i am right now.
i feel like i'm in limbo. purgatory. i am in a very good place in life right now- i am beyond blessed, there are FINALLY good people around me and i am free to do whatever i want and be whoever i want to be...
but there is that calm before the storm... i know something's going to happen; life is going to throw a fastball... and i'm questioning myeslf- what if i can't handle it? what if i break other people while trying to hit it?
i'm nervous in anticipation.
man, being tired & by myself can conjure up some weeeiirdd ass thoughts.

this weekend was very blog worthy.
too bad i don't have a cool picture or a witty theme.
my mind is still catching up to alll the events that happened. here is a very short list.
- hanging out with helen diep <3
- getting a second set of piercings in my ears!!
- eating legit english food in santa monica w/ a legit english friend <3
- meeting chinese australians.
- meeting a whole bunch of chicago-ans. haha.
- spending an ENTIRE DAY at the beach <3 ... this time around, i really didn't have to gaze out into the ocean for the sense of wonder and excitement; older friendships were deepened and new friendships were formed!
- meeting ARCADIANS!! holla! :D
- fireworks :)
- a GOOD MESSAGE + my parents' first visit to E3 :D
- CHICAGO STYLE PIZZA!!!!!!!!
- dancing... HEHE

... there was a LOT of feeling, thinking, dancing, drinking, loving, hating (hehe only few people would get this), socializing, LAUGHING, wondering, healing, etc.

can't wait for the next week. :)

Perfection

You got me walkin' on the moon

I love Alice.
One of the main reasons why I love Alice is because I identify with her all day, every day.
This world is a mess.
A hot mess, sorry.
There is beauty, pain, joy, depression, love, loss, hate, ...
I constantly feel like I'm walking around in a wonderland- Nothing makes sense, and senses mean nothing.
My eyes fool me, people lie... It's all a distraction, an illusion.
I don't know what to believe, what to feel. Once I make a plan of action, how should I go about doing it?
Which way is the right way?

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle! --Alice.

The Prodigal Son

I am obsessed with beauty. I like to see beauty in everything, everyone.
... but when life suddenly begins to rear its ugly head, and all I want to do is hide... I am paranoid, completely beside myself with fear.
It's like in the movie Anaconda, King Kong. The travelers see magnificent beauty in everything that surrounds them; when the monsters decide on their appearance, however, the beauty is snuffed out. Life begins. It is a race to survival now; beauty has taken a backseat to the sweet, sweet struggle for life.
Why I describe a struggle as sweet? That's when character and personality are molded; values are quickly placed into a hierarchy, love IS the answer, and life, as we know it, hangs on a delicate balance (and if able to survive, will never be taken advantage of again) - if that is not sweet, what is?
I especially like this picture because it is brooding, dark, mysterious. This is the kind of beauty I want to see. Life not so much as a horror film, but one of a subtle enigmatic alley. It does feel scary, but I cannot but help appreciate how that lamppost gives only a given area of light. And when I step out of that light, I really don't fall off the edge of the earth, I can look back and see what was and continue on to what can be.

P.S.- The Prodigal Son did not have any relation to my post at all. I deemed it appropriate because I was originally a blogger who strayed to Xanga. I thought I'd give blogger a shot again. Why? To start new? Fresh? No. Just for fun :)