happy

there are lots of things that make me happy--
1. novelty: people, jobs, schools, etc. novelty makes my heart sing. i'm not necessarily talking about new things, like new gadgets (although those are fun too!). i'm talking about new experiences! i think those are imperative to living a full life.
2. stories: i love listening to stories. make my ears sing.
3. teamwork: i think this is the #1 reason as to why i like the sports teams i do. it's sad; i do even analyze individuals on teams. i tend not to like teams with "stars," but stars with TEAMS. a good group of guys throwin' a ball around. the american dream!
4. friends: especially the ones i'm going to vegas with. i'm really excited about this trip. :)
5. san francisco: i really do want to settle down in this city eventually. it's without the hustle and bustle of a city like new york, but completely charming!
6. humility: i can learn a lot from these sort of people.
7: people: people that know what adversity really is & have overcome it.
8. luck: i think everyone should have a little; unfortunately that is not always the case :(
9. the number 13: hehehe only because it's nash & ross's jersey #s.
10. nature: always, always, always.
11. the internets!: thank you, al gore ;)
12. my God: because he is everything i could ever hope for in a first love. <3
13. people that upset me: because in those people is my opportunity to become stronger.

i'm going to end with 13 because, well, it's a strong number. ;)

right now. in this moment.

i am so encouraged by the omnipresence of God.

you know what i don't like?

i don't like when people put up cutesy inspirational stories with famous names.
i just read a story about a boy that disproved his professor by turning the professor's argument against God to one FOR God.
And although it was an amazing feat and cute story, i'm not sure if someone recorded that as Albert Einstein.
Oh please.
Give me a fucking break.
It could be Einstein, who knows? But it also didn't have to be... & then you look like a turd.
Anyway.
Yesterday was not a good sports day for me nor is today a good Funday for me. I have to write out a midterm that I neglected to even look at the past weekend in fear of already doing badly on the test (I know, neurotic).
Sooo here I sit on this cloudy day (thank GOD), writing up answers to concepts that I haven't even realized were so deep until now.
At least I have my tea with me. I looove green tea.

gg.

game over?
(i know, i hate hidden messages too... HAHA. deal.)

opened up a can of fucking worms.

now all i can do is wait.
i am not so good at waiting.
i welcome the challenge ;)

RANT

this is no particular rant about anything in particular. no, i lie.
this is about one person.
ever since i've met him, he's haunted my mind.
there is no particular reason; he seems normal enough. there's nothing super special about him, he's like any other guy.
but there's something about him that draws me to him, draws me to thinking about what he might be thinking about.
i want to pick at his mind, but not. i want to unveil what it is that makes him so magnetic, but allow the mystery to stay.
i'm trying to study for a final, and all i can think about is not thinking about him.
i get like this sometimes.
i think i fall in love everyday.
with nature, with a person, with the giants...
i'm not sure if this is particularly healthy, but i don't know how to be anything else.

---

sometimes i would write out what i am studying on my blog so that i can write out what exactly i am learning... but even these thoughts are going in one ear out the other.
all i want to do now is run away to the beach with my journal and let my heart and mind be still.
be still and know that He and He alone should be the only one totally captivating my heart. goodness He's certainly done enough! <3

(untitled).

i hope i never stop being grateful for those that fill my heart with laughter.
i am so humbled.

c'est la vie

my head is pounding and my body is exhausted, but i can't sleep.
sometimes, wondering about life leads me to the strangest thoughts...
after all, who knows what could happen tomorrow? tomorrow is a new day-- full of new wonders & possibilities.
ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES!

you know,

sometimes i sit here in front of my computer reading blogs and nonsense and think...

"nobody fucking cares!"

i mean, everyone goes through shit. EVERYONE. if they didn't, i would be out of a job.
but on a serious note, i have gone through various ups & downs and to me, at that moment, it is the end of the world...
but put into perspective, it's not.

people are dying, hookers are hooking, babies are crying...
there is some SERIOUS SHIT going down all over the world...

why are we so hooked on DRAMA?

thankful.

i watched catfish yesterday.
i walked in the theater thinking it was a summer horror flick.
the basis of the movie was that an individual met a girl over Facebook & it led to an online romance.
after discovering several inconsistencies in her stories, he drove to michigan to see her.
the movie ended with a woman.

this woman struck me in so many ways.
my heart broke as i sat in the theater thinking of how lonely someone must be to act and do as she did.
i could not imagine living her life, for fear of suffocation (and soon, death).
i sat there wondering how and why someone could let themselves go so.
i also sat there thinking how depraved any life must be without the hope that is Jesus.

the more i am uncovering and delving deeper into what true happiness is, the more my heart breaks when i see people turn a blind eye to what could be.

i had a conversation with a friend recently and i told him "do whatever makes him happy."
he was particularly unhappy with my response, but i thought that answer was completely satisfactory.
i think happiness gives room for failure and despair.
one cannot make the leap without fear.

the more i am realizing what it is like to be fearless, the more envious i am of those that have already embraced it. i long for a maturation where i can see people as Jesus sees them.
i long for a time when seeing beauty in life does not come as an explicit choice.
i long for a time when i wake up with the thought of Jesus and go to sleep with the very same thought.
i long for a time when studying relationships will not jade me, but give me hope for humanity.
i long for a time when i will understand the hardships of others.
i long for a time when i will see people for who they are, and love them nonetheless.


the movie ended with a story about catfish.
catfish are put in with the rest of the drones of fish to keep the fish on their toes; so as to keep the rest of the fish alive longer (while on the trip to different parts of the world, where... they will be dead & eaten anyway).
i like to think of myself as one of the catfish.
but i find myself doubting sometimes.

"why can't i be like her?" is a question that has been perpetually eating up my mind for a very very long time.
i don't understand why i am the way i am, or why i choose to respond to certain situations in whatever way i decide.
most of the time, i hate my decisions.

i guess what i'm trying to say is learning to love myself has become a long and arduous journey.
yet i am still thankful.

his love for me

"for you and you alone I have made this place, kaleidoscope of wonder to keep your eye upon as I turn turn the world."

of course i would blog at the most inappropriate time--

i'm about to be caught up in a tornado...
i am so not ready, but the only thing i have been thinking about has nothing to do with the fear creeping up my spine.
it has everything to do with childish insecurities, which should be quelled by an omnipotent God.
what do you do when Satan uses others to paint your face red?

---

i've also been thinking about the concept of choice.
if every action has a reaction, doesn't every reaction require an action? thus, every choice is not really a choice, now is it? if people are whirlwinds of genetics and their environments, do people really have a choice to "make" themselves?
where, then, does that leave us? as a slave to genetics, the environment, pleasure, and comfort, where do i stand?

---

i have an interview for a full-time gig as a case manager for the severely mentally ill. i feel like an outcast already; not quite sure if people understand (or care to understand) the light behind my eyes.
where will working with these people leave me? even more so?
am i on the fast track of quitting normalcy and embracing exquisite pain?
if yes, ... where does that leave me?
i do not want to be at a disconnect.
... but what choice do i have?
nothing great happened within the realms of normalcy.
let's see what i can pull out of my magician's hat.

In the good times & bad...

Have confidence.
I almost wrote "have faith."
Well, that too.
But confidence too.
I did not realize until today that the outlook you have on yourself is what you project.
If you think you're the shit, everyone else will think you're the shit.
If you think you're not... people will dismiss you.
It's all in how you carry yourself.
It's amazing, though, because as children of Christ...
We ARE the shit.
Too cool.
On a side note, my mom just washed me a plum to eat. On a clean, white bowl with a clean, white napkin.
Ahh, the little things.
<3

today is just one of those days

where i feel like it's been awhile since i was fully comfortable with who i was and the people i was with.
i'm so tired sometimes of pretending that i'm alright.
I MISS MY COMFORT.
i think i'm so judgmental over those that are at their most comfortable, because i can't seem to be in mine.
grad school cannot be over soon enough. i want to relocate....... to AUS, then SF, to the east coast perhaps? who knows?? all I know is..............
i want to feel ME again.
refreshed. revived. rejuvenated.

charmed

i live a charmed life.
thank you, God, from the black hole that is my heart.
people love, but i always want more.
you love, and there is always more.
i cannot believe i am to have it evermore.
<3

best night

in in a long time.

i get by with a little help from my friends ~

i have to say --
i was exhausted all week/weekend, but the days were well worth it.
having new experiences, doing things i've never done before, meeting new people, ...
i feel as if i caught a new wind.
my bones shake with anticipation, my muscles tense with excitement.

my reality?

i was, am, and forever will be... loved.
this concept is so simple, still, and completely earth-shattering. i like love it!

(untitled).

sometimes i sit back and wonder -- "will it all be worth it in the end?"
i don't know if it's my own ambition or society's subtle (yet impactful) influence that bids me think, "i wish i went to that school," or "i wish i had that kind of life."
i just have to keep my eyes on jesus and trust that, in the end, everything will surely fall in its place.
as such a finite person, though, the end seems so very far away...

when the lights go down in the cityyy ~

i am either delusional or completely realistic when i say that i am a city girl. i am particular to one city, though.
it's been a long and savory romance.
this city was very subtle and casual when i first met it. the streets were paved with wonder and lust at the corner bakeries, delicious fields of grass, and the unusually fashionable streetwalkers.
i was taken with the calm sense of life.
the city was not in want-- it had everything it could ever need. corporations were built upon concrete foundations, artists trembled at its feet. life was hard, but unusually indulgent here. there was quality and quantity of amazing foods and spices, along with a chance at redemption at whatever mistakes were ever made.
the city? san francisco.
we did not get much of a feel for one another when i was near, but my fascination and fondness grew as i came to frequent it more often.
i am in love.