(untitled).

sometimes i sit back and wonder -- "will it all be worth it in the end?"
i don't know if it's my own ambition or society's subtle (yet impactful) influence that bids me think, "i wish i went to that school," or "i wish i had that kind of life."
i just have to keep my eyes on jesus and trust that, in the end, everything will surely fall in its place.
as such a finite person, though, the end seems so very far away...

when the lights go down in the cityyy ~

i am either delusional or completely realistic when i say that i am a city girl. i am particular to one city, though.
it's been a long and savory romance.
this city was very subtle and casual when i first met it. the streets were paved with wonder and lust at the corner bakeries, delicious fields of grass, and the unusually fashionable streetwalkers.
i was taken with the calm sense of life.
the city was not in want-- it had everything it could ever need. corporations were built upon concrete foundations, artists trembled at its feet. life was hard, but unusually indulgent here. there was quality and quantity of amazing foods and spices, along with a chance at redemption at whatever mistakes were ever made.
the city? san francisco.
we did not get much of a feel for one another when i was near, but my fascination and fondness grew as i came to frequent it more often.
i am in love.

nip/tuck

it is amazing to me how much this show is teaching me about love.
raw, fierce, inconvenient, self-sacrificing, uncomfortable, vulnerable, enticing, erotic, love.
as television dramas go, this goes right up there with weeds.
although the comedy in weeds is better, the character development in nip/tuck is just phenomenal!
oh, and the drama!
what is life without a little drama? ;)
i have never been so shaken by what goes on in this show. i do believe these writers know no bounds.

innocence is overrated. ignorance will not get you very far, very fast.

my brain feels like mush. i really should stop watching so much television.
my habit of going to the library stopped when arcadia started charging $4.00 every time i forgot my library card to borrow books. i cannot wait to be near the beach again. newport beach library checks books out to you with only your driver's license.

<3

going apartment hunting tomorrow. learning that it's okay to be dependent. ... what a ride this is going to beee ~

it's amazing

how lonely one can feel at "home."
i don't know if i've ever had that "home" feeling.
i think people make up a home, and the people around me did a wonderful job of robbing that feeling from me.
the sermon yesterday was on (in)depenence.
society tells us, as young folk, that we've officially reached "it" (wherever that is) when we are completely financially independent of/from our parents.
scripture tells us, as any type of folk, that we've officially reached "it" (an intimate relationship with christ) when we are completely dependent on him.
yesterday i teared during the sermon.
i don't know how to feel comfortable being dependent. i was taught, from a very young age, that being dependent was a horrible thing, that it was a last resort. thus, there was minimal dependence on anyone. feeling sad? oh, well. deal with it.
feeling happy? cool.
feeling angry? go to your room.
people always tell me that i have the golden family. haha i can't help but smile when people say that. what a joke!

my soul

only feels at peace surrounded by words.
words can make or break a person, but there's no face.
you don't see the world in someone's eyes--a world of regret, a world of beauty, a world of sadness, a world full of pain.
you don't see the crook in someone's nose. the distinction someone carries when they have conquered the world, or the direction it takes when the world burdens heavily on their shoulders.
you don't see the smile, the frown. the coffee-stained teeth, full of late night struggles. the cracking lips of too much sun and laughter.
you don't see the ears, the ears that search for world peace.
you don't see the skin-- the rough patches of rough years or the smoothness of youth.
words are words.
they carry the world, but are not of it.
they are just enough to tide you over, but they feel comfortable. there is a security in words. they cannot hit you like a rushing train or an angry gust of wind.
words are words.
books can't cry, books can't hug you to sleep.
yet there is a still power in words.

'tis the summer?

FUCK TWENTY PAGE PAPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

at least there is ella, ella, ella fitzgerald ~~ <3 <3

Tx is shorthand for Therapy.

I am currently enrolled in a group therapy class that has tremendously impacted my life.
Last night we were asked to write our last words. It could have been to anyone about anything.
I wrote a letter of justification--justification for who I am.
In my last words I had to explain who I am.
Thinking about that concept rattles me. Of course you are who you are, right? What a waste of paper! Am I living a lie? ... are a few thoughts that come to mind.
But being who I am hurts me sometimes. Sometimes I'm seen as selfish, ungrateful, immature, etc. when I'm really just insecure, ignorant, or scared. I wish to see deeper into everyone, but I am not given the same courteousness. 
I am forever grateful for those that love me for me. For those that try to change me, I wonder why I make you that uncomfortable.

Anyway. I cried. It was embarrassing. Then I went home to live in the vicious cycle all over again.

"everything happens for a reason"

is a hard pill to swallow.

patience is a virtue?

still waiting for that 'you.'

obsession O_O

sometimes,

people clutter their mind with useless facts and information.
i clutter my heart with useless people and passions.

the world undone.

i know some of you know this, but ...

i will be here from the end of july to early/mid august. i'm making my dreams come true and traveling the world! Thank you, Jesus!

freak out

i'm having a freak out moment right now, but i look incredibly calm, cool, and collected. nobody knowssssss O_O
(well, by nobody i guess i mean my parents -_-)
i need out. PRONTOOOOOOoooooooooo.

therapy

i say i want to be different.
i want to change the world.
but how am i going about doing so?
why don't i have the passion to care about big things?
honestly? i don't care for world peace or saving the hungry.
does that make me bad?
i care for making one person happy, one step at a time.
isn't that more realistic?
i just want to be happy for the rest of my life.
i don't know what this includes.
i'm so jealous of people who are freed from consumerism. i wish i was. i want to stop wanting new clothes, shoes. i want to stop being jealous of those that can buy them on a whim.
i am pretty sure it doesn't make them all that happy in the long run; in fact, there was a study that showed that people with lots of things are less liked.
but i wouldn't mind having them ~
i am making it a point in my life now to free myself of frivolity.
i want to be happy with what i have. this means, less money on clothes--more money on adventure!
i bought a ticket to go to australia this summer. i vowed to go out of the country at least once a year for the rest of my life. i'm pretty damn excited. i saved up and bought clothes from buffalo exchange so i could afford to dress to impress and do so in other countries ;)
i think that's what i want.
i want life.

steps to cleaning out my life:
- clean out my room; throw things AWAY!
- stop shopping. --> oy, this one's going to be quite difficult ~
- save up: either for an apt., a ticket out of america, or for a rainy day :)
- see a shrink.
- be thankful.

just today i was going out to lunch with my family, nervous about the impending suns loss (i was already mentally preparing myself; how sad is that :[) and i thought about the championship ring.
this ring is what these ball players are fighting for. this ring shows that they are better than the other teams. this ring defines them.
... and i thought to myself, REALLY? hahahah.
for girls, i would say a wedding ring defined them too ~
anyway, this ring. a ring is a thing. it will eventually ... cease to exist.
and i thought... yeah, it'd be nice for nash and hill to have a ring... or to see the finals. they worked so hard toward it. but at the same time, i know that they are both happy (already) from what they accomplished. sure, everyone's disappointed, but why am I taking this so hard??
it's just a ring.
that's when i thought... boy, i am sure glad JESUS is alive. jesus is not a thing & will NEVER cease to exist. jesus is God, God is l.o.v.e.
and i thought of love and thought... see, THAT'S what's worth fighting for.

life & love.
doesn't get much better than that.

like the bipolar patient that i saw in group therapy, i am... "too blessed to be stressed!"
i could learn from the "mentally disabled." they know how to fight for life, and love hard.
maybe it's time i do the same.

i'm pretty sure i know more people like this than not.
pls don't tell me if you are one of these people.
my dad and i had a conversation about two women we knew that settled because they were getting older.
god help me if i turn into one of those women.

free falling

i think every girl has insecurities.
for some odd reason, i find people surprised when i share mine.
they look at me incredulously saying something along the lines of, "but you seem so free..."
being unashamed of who i am and having insecurities are two different things.
for example, every time i go through a tunnel, i wish for a happier life.
i'm not living a miserable one, but is too much happiness ever a bad thing?

blue eyes

i really enjoyed this weekend.

domestic

several days ago, i went to a little baby niece's 100 day.
oh, god, it was so awkward.
i was at the celebration pre-parents so it was up to me to make introductions (the hosts were unavailable being, well, hosts).
i sat there awkwardly. i had my food awkwardly. it wasn't until half an hour passed by and people started talking to me.
after i went home, though, i wondered why i was so awkward.
it wasn't only the influx of strangers into what was familiar to me... it was the domestic nature of the whole thing.
about 90% of the visitors were couples with children.
don't get me wrong, i wish to be one of them someday, i think. i want the "perfect" marriage, children, a family in a cushy place like laguna... but i definitely am not there yet. haha.
i didn't know what to talk about, how to be.
diapers? children's toys? clothes? umm, no thank you.
when i was talked to, it was mainly because my cousin's husband was poking fun at my love for the phoenix suns. ... of course it was like being a lamb in a lion's den. all the dudes ate me up alive. O_O
anyway, i digress.
i know the domestic life isn't the life for me now, but i think i've come to terms of wanting some sort of it later on in the future. i think it'd be a rewarding challenge.
i wonder when that time will come.
i'm learning to embrace it, and that's a huge step for me.
i don't know what the point of this post was. i guess admitting the fact that i want to embrace my inner woman and someday be maternal would be a welcoming change for me?
i'm planning on taking cooking lessons this summer. and maybe do a brief stint in beauty school.
heheheheee.
i guess this means i'm growing up? gross.

mystery

i like to retain a mystery.
i think life is more fun and romantic with mystery.
mystery is awfully lonely, though.
in a world full of facebook, myspace, twitter, blogspot, tumblr, wordpress, ...
mystery is all gone.

"even the shrinks have shrinks in yew york city!" --stanford

i was stood up by my shrink today.
oy~
i will never let that happen to my clients. i'm relatively sane and it did feel like quite a load of crap.
last time i'm calling herrrrrrrrr.
sayonara, bitch.

have to wake up too early tomorrow morning ~~
sigh.
tomorrow is going to be crazyyy. i'm already exhausted.