his love for me

"for you and you alone I have made this place, kaleidoscope of wonder to keep your eye upon as I turn turn the world."

of course i would blog at the most inappropriate time--

i'm about to be caught up in a tornado...
i am so not ready, but the only thing i have been thinking about has nothing to do with the fear creeping up my spine.
it has everything to do with childish insecurities, which should be quelled by an omnipotent God.
what do you do when Satan uses others to paint your face red?

---

i've also been thinking about the concept of choice.
if every action has a reaction, doesn't every reaction require an action? thus, every choice is not really a choice, now is it? if people are whirlwinds of genetics and their environments, do people really have a choice to "make" themselves?
where, then, does that leave us? as a slave to genetics, the environment, pleasure, and comfort, where do i stand?

---

i have an interview for a full-time gig as a case manager for the severely mentally ill. i feel like an outcast already; not quite sure if people understand (or care to understand) the light behind my eyes.
where will working with these people leave me? even more so?
am i on the fast track of quitting normalcy and embracing exquisite pain?
if yes, ... where does that leave me?
i do not want to be at a disconnect.
... but what choice do i have?
nothing great happened within the realms of normalcy.
let's see what i can pull out of my magician's hat.

In the good times & bad...

Have confidence.
I almost wrote "have faith."
Well, that too.
But confidence too.
I did not realize until today that the outlook you have on yourself is what you project.
If you think you're the shit, everyone else will think you're the shit.
If you think you're not... people will dismiss you.
It's all in how you carry yourself.
It's amazing, though, because as children of Christ...
We ARE the shit.
Too cool.
On a side note, my mom just washed me a plum to eat. On a clean, white bowl with a clean, white napkin.
Ahh, the little things.
<3

today is just one of those days

where i feel like it's been awhile since i was fully comfortable with who i was and the people i was with.
i'm so tired sometimes of pretending that i'm alright.
I MISS MY COMFORT.
i think i'm so judgmental over those that are at their most comfortable, because i can't seem to be in mine.
grad school cannot be over soon enough. i want to relocate....... to AUS, then SF, to the east coast perhaps? who knows?? all I know is..............
i want to feel ME again.
refreshed. revived. rejuvenated.

charmed

i live a charmed life.
thank you, God, from the black hole that is my heart.
people love, but i always want more.
you love, and there is always more.
i cannot believe i am to have it evermore.
<3

best night

in in a long time.

i get by with a little help from my friends ~

i have to say --
i was exhausted all week/weekend, but the days were well worth it.
having new experiences, doing things i've never done before, meeting new people, ...
i feel as if i caught a new wind.
my bones shake with anticipation, my muscles tense with excitement.

my reality?

i was, am, and forever will be... loved.
this concept is so simple, still, and completely earth-shattering. i like love it!

(untitled).

sometimes i sit back and wonder -- "will it all be worth it in the end?"
i don't know if it's my own ambition or society's subtle (yet impactful) influence that bids me think, "i wish i went to that school," or "i wish i had that kind of life."
i just have to keep my eyes on jesus and trust that, in the end, everything will surely fall in its place.
as such a finite person, though, the end seems so very far away...

when the lights go down in the cityyy ~

i am either delusional or completely realistic when i say that i am a city girl. i am particular to one city, though.
it's been a long and savory romance.
this city was very subtle and casual when i first met it. the streets were paved with wonder and lust at the corner bakeries, delicious fields of grass, and the unusually fashionable streetwalkers.
i was taken with the calm sense of life.
the city was not in want-- it had everything it could ever need. corporations were built upon concrete foundations, artists trembled at its feet. life was hard, but unusually indulgent here. there was quality and quantity of amazing foods and spices, along with a chance at redemption at whatever mistakes were ever made.
the city? san francisco.
we did not get much of a feel for one another when i was near, but my fascination and fondness grew as i came to frequent it more often.
i am in love.

nip/tuck

it is amazing to me how much this show is teaching me about love.
raw, fierce, inconvenient, self-sacrificing, uncomfortable, vulnerable, enticing, erotic, love.
as television dramas go, this goes right up there with weeds.
although the comedy in weeds is better, the character development in nip/tuck is just phenomenal!
oh, and the drama!
what is life without a little drama? ;)
i have never been so shaken by what goes on in this show. i do believe these writers know no bounds.

innocence is overrated. ignorance will not get you very far, very fast.

my brain feels like mush. i really should stop watching so much television.
my habit of going to the library stopped when arcadia started charging $4.00 every time i forgot my library card to borrow books. i cannot wait to be near the beach again. newport beach library checks books out to you with only your driver's license.

<3

going apartment hunting tomorrow. learning that it's okay to be dependent. ... what a ride this is going to beee ~

it's amazing

how lonely one can feel at "home."
i don't know if i've ever had that "home" feeling.
i think people make up a home, and the people around me did a wonderful job of robbing that feeling from me.
the sermon yesterday was on (in)depenence.
society tells us, as young folk, that we've officially reached "it" (wherever that is) when we are completely financially independent of/from our parents.
scripture tells us, as any type of folk, that we've officially reached "it" (an intimate relationship with christ) when we are completely dependent on him.
yesterday i teared during the sermon.
i don't know how to feel comfortable being dependent. i was taught, from a very young age, that being dependent was a horrible thing, that it was a last resort. thus, there was minimal dependence on anyone. feeling sad? oh, well. deal with it.
feeling happy? cool.
feeling angry? go to your room.
people always tell me that i have the golden family. haha i can't help but smile when people say that. what a joke!

my soul

only feels at peace surrounded by words.
words can make or break a person, but there's no face.
you don't see the world in someone's eyes--a world of regret, a world of beauty, a world of sadness, a world full of pain.
you don't see the crook in someone's nose. the distinction someone carries when they have conquered the world, or the direction it takes when the world burdens heavily on their shoulders.
you don't see the smile, the frown. the coffee-stained teeth, full of late night struggles. the cracking lips of too much sun and laughter.
you don't see the ears, the ears that search for world peace.
you don't see the skin-- the rough patches of rough years or the smoothness of youth.
words are words.
they carry the world, but are not of it.
they are just enough to tide you over, but they feel comfortable. there is a security in words. they cannot hit you like a rushing train or an angry gust of wind.
words are words.
books can't cry, books can't hug you to sleep.
yet there is a still power in words.

'tis the summer?

FUCK TWENTY PAGE PAPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

at least there is ella, ella, ella fitzgerald ~~ <3 <3

Tx is shorthand for Therapy.

I am currently enrolled in a group therapy class that has tremendously impacted my life.
Last night we were asked to write our last words. It could have been to anyone about anything.
I wrote a letter of justification--justification for who I am.
In my last words I had to explain who I am.
Thinking about that concept rattles me. Of course you are who you are, right? What a waste of paper! Am I living a lie? ... are a few thoughts that come to mind.
But being who I am hurts me sometimes. Sometimes I'm seen as selfish, ungrateful, immature, etc. when I'm really just insecure, ignorant, or scared. I wish to see deeper into everyone, but I am not given the same courteousness. 
I am forever grateful for those that love me for me. For those that try to change me, I wonder why I make you that uncomfortable.

Anyway. I cried. It was embarrassing. Then I went home to live in the vicious cycle all over again.

"everything happens for a reason"

is a hard pill to swallow.

patience is a virtue?

still waiting for that 'you.'

obsession O_O

sometimes,

people clutter their mind with useless facts and information.
i clutter my heart with useless people and passions.

the world undone.

i know some of you know this, but ...

i will be here from the end of july to early/mid august. i'm making my dreams come true and traveling the world! Thank you, Jesus!