the world undone.

i know some of you know this, but ...

i will be here from the end of july to early/mid august. i'm making my dreams come true and traveling the world! Thank you, Jesus!

freak out

i'm having a freak out moment right now, but i look incredibly calm, cool, and collected. nobody knowssssss O_O
(well, by nobody i guess i mean my parents -_-)
i need out. PRONTOOOOOOoooooooooo.

therapy

i say i want to be different.
i want to change the world.
but how am i going about doing so?
why don't i have the passion to care about big things?
honestly? i don't care for world peace or saving the hungry.
does that make me bad?
i care for making one person happy, one step at a time.
isn't that more realistic?
i just want to be happy for the rest of my life.
i don't know what this includes.
i'm so jealous of people who are freed from consumerism. i wish i was. i want to stop wanting new clothes, shoes. i want to stop being jealous of those that can buy them on a whim.
i am pretty sure it doesn't make them all that happy in the long run; in fact, there was a study that showed that people with lots of things are less liked.
but i wouldn't mind having them ~
i am making it a point in my life now to free myself of frivolity.
i want to be happy with what i have. this means, less money on clothes--more money on adventure!
i bought a ticket to go to australia this summer. i vowed to go out of the country at least once a year for the rest of my life. i'm pretty damn excited. i saved up and bought clothes from buffalo exchange so i could afford to dress to impress and do so in other countries ;)
i think that's what i want.
i want life.

steps to cleaning out my life:
- clean out my room; throw things AWAY!
- stop shopping. --> oy, this one's going to be quite difficult ~
- save up: either for an apt., a ticket out of america, or for a rainy day :)
- see a shrink.
- be thankful.

just today i was going out to lunch with my family, nervous about the impending suns loss (i was already mentally preparing myself; how sad is that :[) and i thought about the championship ring.
this ring is what these ball players are fighting for. this ring shows that they are better than the other teams. this ring defines them.
... and i thought to myself, REALLY? hahahah.
for girls, i would say a wedding ring defined them too ~
anyway, this ring. a ring is a thing. it will eventually ... cease to exist.
and i thought... yeah, it'd be nice for nash and hill to have a ring... or to see the finals. they worked so hard toward it. but at the same time, i know that they are both happy (already) from what they accomplished. sure, everyone's disappointed, but why am I taking this so hard??
it's just a ring.
that's when i thought... boy, i am sure glad JESUS is alive. jesus is not a thing & will NEVER cease to exist. jesus is God, God is l.o.v.e.
and i thought of love and thought... see, THAT'S what's worth fighting for.

life & love.
doesn't get much better than that.

like the bipolar patient that i saw in group therapy, i am... "too blessed to be stressed!"
i could learn from the "mentally disabled." they know how to fight for life, and love hard.
maybe it's time i do the same.

i'm pretty sure i know more people like this than not.
pls don't tell me if you are one of these people.
my dad and i had a conversation about two women we knew that settled because they were getting older.
god help me if i turn into one of those women.

free falling

i think every girl has insecurities.
for some odd reason, i find people surprised when i share mine.
they look at me incredulously saying something along the lines of, "but you seem so free..."
being unashamed of who i am and having insecurities are two different things.
for example, every time i go through a tunnel, i wish for a happier life.
i'm not living a miserable one, but is too much happiness ever a bad thing?

blue eyes

i really enjoyed this weekend.

domestic

several days ago, i went to a little baby niece's 100 day.
oh, god, it was so awkward.
i was at the celebration pre-parents so it was up to me to make introductions (the hosts were unavailable being, well, hosts).
i sat there awkwardly. i had my food awkwardly. it wasn't until half an hour passed by and people started talking to me.
after i went home, though, i wondered why i was so awkward.
it wasn't only the influx of strangers into what was familiar to me... it was the domestic nature of the whole thing.
about 90% of the visitors were couples with children.
don't get me wrong, i wish to be one of them someday, i think. i want the "perfect" marriage, children, a family in a cushy place like laguna... but i definitely am not there yet. haha.
i didn't know what to talk about, how to be.
diapers? children's toys? clothes? umm, no thank you.
when i was talked to, it was mainly because my cousin's husband was poking fun at my love for the phoenix suns. ... of course it was like being a lamb in a lion's den. all the dudes ate me up alive. O_O
anyway, i digress.
i know the domestic life isn't the life for me now, but i think i've come to terms of wanting some sort of it later on in the future. i think it'd be a rewarding challenge.
i wonder when that time will come.
i'm learning to embrace it, and that's a huge step for me.
i don't know what the point of this post was. i guess admitting the fact that i want to embrace my inner woman and someday be maternal would be a welcoming change for me?
i'm planning on taking cooking lessons this summer. and maybe do a brief stint in beauty school.
heheheheee.
i guess this means i'm growing up? gross.

mystery

i like to retain a mystery.
i think life is more fun and romantic with mystery.
mystery is awfully lonely, though.
in a world full of facebook, myspace, twitter, blogspot, tumblr, wordpress, ...
mystery is all gone.

"even the shrinks have shrinks in yew york city!" --stanford

i was stood up by my shrink today.
oy~
i will never let that happen to my clients. i'm relatively sane and it did feel like quite a load of crap.
last time i'm calling herrrrrrrrr.
sayonara, bitch.

have to wake up too early tomorrow morning ~~
sigh.
tomorrow is going to be crazyyy. i'm already exhausted.

nip something in the bud

Fig. to put an end to something before it develops into something larger. (Alludes to destroying a flower bud before it blooms.)

i think i did this today. no, i'm pretty sure.
this phrase sounds simple enough. too bad it's not.
to nip something in the bud is to end something before it develops. however, for anything to develop there must be a root. the root, i think, runs deeper than the beauty that is the flower that blooms.
additionally, the flower will definitely die if the root is bad.
fostering the root, then, becomes essential for the beginning of anything--a flower, a friendship, a relationship.
if the root is planted in any sort of wrong, the flower will suffer. if there is any sort of deviance, the flower will not bloom fully or as beautifully as it potentially could.

so.

to nip anything in the bud, as simple as it sounds, is not easy.
pulling out that root is not easy.
the root will leave an emptiness behind.
in all that, there is quiet and still pain.

sometimes,

doing nothing suits me just fine.
i'm completely uninspired.
i wish i had a lot of money so i can run away somewhere and never come out.
i want to sleep forever.
i wish i didn't know so much about the people i care about.
i forget to live in the moment and end up living somewhere in the far distant future.
i am ruthlessly efficient.

the past week has been such a blur--a blur of happiness & complete exhaustion.
what happened to falling? you know, falling in love. love with friends, men.
i don't feel like i'm falling. i feel like i'm sprinting. sometimes it's not comfortable. sometimes it's tiresome.
i know that it is worth it. without the time i spend with people, i'd be worse off than i am now.
but why am i so completely exhausted? drained?

i think i'm so attracted to the bohemian life because it's glorified--glorified as free and unencumbered.
but that can't possibly be true, can it? with no steady source of income, how does one pay the bills? feed oneself? keep a roof over his or her head? what is the secret to waking up the very next morning, energized to tackle life? is it more sleep? rest? no, i've had that. is it healthier food? possibly. is it a routine? not ruling that out.

but in such a twisted world where good people are so bad and bad people are redeemed, does humanity have a chance at a happy medium?

i can understand why there are so many faithful and faithless people. faithful people need something to cling on to and faithless people cling to themselves. either way, it is a desperate attempt to a fulfilled life.

i feel like i can't make any mistakes anymore. i feel like i have to grow up now. i feel like i have to tackle and handle things i'm just not prepared to. i used to be okay with it. i used to enjoy and revel in challenges.
i'm burned out, though. i just want to do nothing for a good amount of time and remember who i am--the happy, mirthful optimist who thought the world was her oyster. the girl who never had her heart broken. the girl who never endured emotional trauma. the girl who was sure that right always prevailed. the girl who was so sure of who she was and what/who she was living for.

i don't know how i got here.

i guess, then, the true test of my character is overcoming this challenge?

but what if i fail?

fresh~

i used to be totally into sports. in middle school i played basketball EVERY SINGLE lunch, rain or shine.
i watched the lakers growing up with the neighborhood kids and watched the utah jazz with my dad.
i watched rose bowls with friends and i LOVED playing football on a large field.
i wasn't a huge fan of softball, but i wasn't bad at hitting the ball so if ever the opportunity rolled around i would pick up a bat and swing.
i LOVED the aching feeling i got after a good game and always ALWAYS enjoyed winning.

i don't know why i stopped.
i stopped watching, participating, and enjoying sports.

not until recently did i remember HOW MUCH i LOVED the smell and feel of freshly cut grass on a field. how much i LOVED running. how much i LOVED learning about different techniques on how to throw or hit a ball. i LOVE the feel of a football and the rush i get when i catch one. i LOVE the rush i get when i hear the crack of the bat when it meets the softball. i LOVE when i take a shot and i hear the familiar "swoosh" from it hitting the net.
it's such a pure moment. just you and the ball. it's completely satisfying and a small, but ultimate high.
the high lingers sometimes, sometimes it doesn't. either way, you always want another fix.

i love seeing intricate plays on any sort of field. i revel in wit on the court. when skilled players play with their heart, mind and strength.

sigh.

it's good to be back, baby.

(re-reading the post, i realized how much of a parallel there is with the high of sports and the high of Jesus's reality. haha, so corny. no, really. i forgot what it felt like to have sports in my life. sometimes i forget the reality of Jesus. days become droll and i rarely woke up feeling excited about life. but now that i am being fed and reveling in the precious love that IS Jayzess, i feel revived. i am back on the field. just me and him. and it's going to be a damn good game.)

extravagance

extravagant - exceeding the bounds of something; extreme; exorbitant

i think i'm addicted to extravagance.
i love to be overwhelmed, especially with beauty. i think it's the most fulfilling thing in the world. when i am enamored by a painting or with God's love for me, my heart stops.
i love to be free. i hate feeling restrained. i hate having bounds. i hate rules. but not living according to the rules is extremely lonely unless you find that one someone that just might feel the same way. i think i found some people that do. very little, but they are all i will ever need <3
i don't like normalcy. i think normalcy is overrated. at the same time, normalcy is comfortable. i don't know what i would want, actually-- normalcy or loneliness. hm.
i like when things have character--a smartness to them. wit. i highly enjoy wit. i think wit is absolutely fabulous.
i like when things are not in order. i feel intimidated when things are in order. i feel like even more of a misfit than i actually am. makes me uncomfortable.
i like when things are sparkly, soft, suede, slick, spotty, stripey, spicy, sweet, sour, sappy, and too soon.
or things that are especially bright, or well done.
at the same time, i don't think extravagance necessarily has to be expensive.
what do i consider extravagant...
the last piece of the decadent chocolate cake.
waking up to sweetly chirping birds.
the mini kitkat bar after a long day.
a smile that greets you at the door.
pandora!

when two souls connect.

you know, those times when your heart GLOWS. <- that, in no way, is normal. that is exceeding the bounds of what this world can offer. it is most definitely extravagant. i hope i never forget that.

<3

sigh :D

04/22-04/25: visit from one of my favorite girls <3
04/26-05/04: visit from my favorite boyyy <3 <3

is this okay? can i really be this happy? :):):)

i feel like

“Being in love is… anxious. Wanting to please, worrying that she will see me as I really am. But wanting to be known…. I wanted her to see me and to love me even though she knew everything I am, and I knew her. Now she’s gone, and my knowledge is incomplete. So all day I imagine what she is doing, what she says and who she talks to, how she looks. I try to supply the missing hours, and it gets harder as they pile up, all the time she’s been gone. I have to imagine….”

—

Martin Wells, from Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

this quote perfectly embodies what i want to say, but just can't seem to. 

drunkenness

i realize that everyone likes to drink.
whether it be for the taste or the effects, people drink. well, mormons don't drink. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!
this post is going to be about what it always is about.
life.
i have a quote that sticks with me in my head that says something along the lines of having to be drunk for one to fully enjoy his or her life.
now, i don't mean alkie drunk. well, it could be that. BUT. let me explain.
this post will go a little along my thought processes of being overwhelmed.
these days i wanted to be overwhelmed with anything else but the looming due dates for papers & exams. finals in the next two weeks, i believe, and i haven't completely done all my reading & the reading i HAVE done hasn't completely sunken in yet.
i'm burnt OUT.
i will get to my point soon, i promise.
so i've been feeling overwhelmed with school.
but that is how i live my life. wading through shit to get through the bright light at the end (here's hoping!).
however, to make life worthwhile, i think that's what it takes.
being overwhelmed. being drunk.
people can be drunk with anything--the spirit, love, purpose, etc. doesn't necessarily have to be alcohol. of course if it is, you can be giving me business. alcoholism is a psychiatric disease as much as it is a physical one.
anyway.
to be drunk. that is how, i think, people SHOULD live their lives. coming from a rationalist, this concept may seem strange. my brows are furrowed, actually, as i write this. it seems to go against everything i believe in.
everything should make sense. but sometimes, i think that's the wrong way to go.
life will never make sense.
one can make sense of it all he or she wants, but ultimately, life will win.
i am not saying that analyzing situations is bad. by no means! however, it should be a means to an end. NOT an end.
i am overwhelmed with the mundane. i am drunk with ... purpose.
i want to be overwhelmed with beauty and drunk with happiness.
i am being overwhelmed now in hopes of being drunk later.
but that doesn't mean i can't enjoy the drink or two now, now does it? ;)
bottoms up! here's to life.

self-efficacy

i have two papers to write tonight. not that these papers have to be long, but these papers need to be thought out.
to, perhaps, encourage the creative juices to flow, i thought i might write some personal thoughts on the concept of 'self-efficacy.'
it's funny that i was assigned to write on such a topic because just yesterday i was told not be so ... independent.

at this point in my life, i thought the 'can do' attitude was absolutely imperative in my life to achieve what i have to achieve. going to a smaller school, i made it a personal mission to graduate top of my class (or, at least, top 3). i have a B+ in one of my classes and i am shaken to the bone.
i have dependence issues. i hate dependence. being dependent or seeing someone so dependent disgusts me. i feel a perpetual, compelling need to be independent and ABLE to take care of myself.

i have two reasons, so far, as to why i feel this way.
the first reason comes in the form of my last relationship. i was very dependent on this person and it blew up in my face. i thought that's what guys wanted- the damsel in distress. haha. well, i got that one alright. i was definitely in distress... after we broke up. the breakup got me thinking, though... what is it that I want to be in a relationship? in the journey to answer this question, i thought it perfect to collect myself first. what people haven't told me so explicitly, though, is thinking of myself NEVER STOPS. people are inherently self-centered. even to help others, one is to help one's self.
the second reason comes in the form of my current career goals. to be a therapist, i should have my life in some form of order. it is unfair of me to ask my clients to be or do certain things while i am doing just the opposite. therefore, i was even more driven to handle myself, and handle myself well.

the secret to going crazy, though, is thinking everything can be done on one's own.

sunday proved to be such a day. i cracked. i cracked in front of one, or maybe two, people. i was frustrated with myself, my life, and the choices i've made thus far. i felt like i was doing everything 'wrong' and feeling frustrated that i just can't seem to be 'right.'

beautiful thought, though: i don't always have to be right. 

while i was enjoying the BEAUTIFUL day with a dear friend, she stuck out her arm to me. she told me to grab her arm. i did so. in the process of doing so, she grabbed mine. now, she told me to let go of her arm. while i let go, her grip was still very firm on mine. she then told me to grab hold of her arm, once again. i did so. she told me then to let go. i let go. through all this time, her arm was steadily gripped on mine.
my arm never left her fingers' grasp.
this was an illustration to show that whether i "can do" things or not, God can. i will try and try again... and fail.
i will continue to make bad choices, i will continue to be frustrated beyond belief, i will continue... to be and do things that i will not be completely happy about... but why stress? worry? really, self-efficacy is not ME, self-efficacy is the jesus IN me.
i am slowly... slowly... EVER SO PAINFULLY learning.
i can have faith and be taken care of. i can not have faith and be taken care of. fact of the matter is, my Father has always got my back.

i can only live in the present. i can only go so far. i am merely human. the beautiful thing about that is, so is everyone else.
 

man,

staying out of trouble has been harder than i thought ;)
thinking of staying in this friday night catching up on my studies and having some wine.

i think i'm totally ok with that. :) :)

in Wonderland

Alice: Well, when I was lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who'd ever think to look for me here?
[sigh]
Alice: Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.

for all you asian boys~

HOPE!

or for the girls... disaster?

who would've thought having boys and girls exist together would complicate life so much?
THERE ARE ONLY TWO! imagine if there were THREE genders? oy vey.

well put, william!

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”

—	William Shakespeare

blackbird, fly~

the question so quickly becomes: ink?
it's do or die. which will i choose?
gahh!

ache

my head aches, my heart aches, my body aches.
i've been studying all day every day (seems like) since january. i am in a long distance relationship. i walked around in heels all day yesterday running around, making sure children were not impaled by softballs.

sometimes i feel completely enshrouded by the negatives in life. i am, as happy as i can be, the type of gal to see the glass as half empty. it's not completely healthy, but it's the way i am wired. sometimes, it sucks.

to be frank, i want a lot of things. i want my friends to come see ME in ARCADIA, for a change. i want my parents to appreciate me. i want my church to be closer. i want to travel the world. i don't want to be tied down to school. i want my boyfriend to live on the mainland. particularly, southern california.
and when i see people that have good friends close by, people to appreciate them, a good church nearer to home, time to travel, money to spend, and face time with his or her boyfriend/girlfriend, my whole being shakes with envy.

i had that in college. i wish i appreciated it more.

but when i look at how i spend my weekends, when i'm not in school and letting my schoolwork pile up (heh...)....
i am enjoying that time SO purely. it's exhilaration just SEEING people i love.
i am ecstatic to come to church. i LOVE hearing the gospel message and being set free every weekend. i LOVE seeing my friends, that i treasure so dearly. i APPRECIATE that everyone drives me around in the OC because people that know me well know that i hate driving. i LOVE that i can see their faces despite the distance. i LOVE the meals i share with them and the money i spend to be with them. i LOVE hearing my boyfriend's voice over the phone or seeing his face over skype. i LOVE the sound of laughter and the ridding of pain. i REVEL in the children that i see on sundays, ESPECIALLY tyler. i LOVE hugs. i LOVE the little crinkles in peoples' eyes when they REALLY smile because they are REALLY happy to see me. i LOVE that i can complain with my classmates about the course load and the fact that we, still, tend to procrastinate (although we can't afford to all that much anymore -_-). 

i guess i shouldn't be as miserable as i am.

but i hope people do know that i am human, and that i do get overwhelmed.

ps- vera wang at kohl's? REALLY?

Is it even love if you’re willing to give up on it?

Being a part of a duo has severely impacted my writing.
My emotions mean a little bit more because I am sharing them. It's a very strange concept to me and I always wonder if what I'm doing is right.

I'm watching The Shawshank Redemption right now & this movie kills me every time. I think this movie is especially popular because it brings out the humanity in people. The deceit, the hurt, being institutionalized, being treated unfairly, having success, being part of a routine, having camaraderie, death, life, ...
This movie is SO OBVIOUSLY fake. Haha. But as a civilian a lot can be learned, I think.

More often than not I obsess over things that are temporary. I want certain brands of clothes, certain ways of living. Why, though?

It's so easy to love when one is comfortable. It's so easy to understand.

It was so easy to see God when I was in college. I had classes once in awhile, saw my friends when I wanted, ate out, ate in, had money, etc.
It still is easy to see God now. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back. I don't have much money, but I am getting by. I see my friends when I can and have the privelege of obtaining a higher education. I am young, vibrant, and educated. The world is my oyster.
When I think of those women who made poor choices in life, have had kids at fifteen, have to work 15 hour jobs to survive and feed her children, comes home completely drained, needs to go to sleep to repeat the same shit.
Where is God then?

God is there. I believe it. For stronger Christians, that is when one can most see God. Feel God. In the hard times, what else can you cling to? What else can you hope for? Believe in?
But for weaker Christians, why?

Life is difficult. I consider myself lucky.
No, I consider myself loved.
There is no way in hell I am going to give up on it.

Love is so complex... yet so simple. Definitions of love vary, but when times get tough... who is still there? still standing? uncomfortable, but willing?

Ultimately, love should be freeing.
If it's not, you're shit out of luck. :)

tis the time to blog~

because i have lots o' papers due soon :)
i didn't end up sleeping early yesterday. i slept at 2:30am. yesssssssssss. no.
i am butt tired. i actually am sleeping early tonight because i cannot keep my eyes open.
i don't have time to be drained.

on a more positive note, olsenboye is out at jcpenney! i am seriously thinking of sifting through some of the looks. i've seen the commercials!!! the clothes aren't half bad & they might just fit me. heh. hopefully i'll be able to swing by one this weekend. yee!

ps. i finally filed my taxes. i can't wait for my refundss :D MONEY IN THE BANK. sounds like a plan to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

be still

"It’s all I have to bring to-day,
This, and my heart beside,
This, and my heart, and all the fields,
And all the meadows wide.
Be sure you count, should I forget,—
Some one the sum could tell,—
This, and my heart, and all the bees
Which in the clover dwell."

Emily Dickinson

12:26a

on my quest to sleeping earlier, i will make this post short & simple.
i realize every day that i need more and more perspective.
i hung up with the manfriend unsettled.
we have been talking about some issues i had with some of his habits & we hung up without reaching a conclusion.
he was tired, i was frustrated. there was nothing more to be said.
i know that i have a knack for being way too human and thus making huge mistakes that i regret later.
as i was thinking about how bothered i was, i thought: what about him?
so i called up a friend. he gave me GREAT perspective.
now to align my feelings with that perspective will be tough, but i am ready & willing.
i always thought relationships to be tough, but never gauged to what extent they could be.
guess it's time to find out! ;)

en ti tled

i hate when people feel entitled to things.
entitled to their own life, even.
i mean, who secures the very next breath they will take?
sometimes i feel entitled.
& i remember why i shouldn't.

the luckiest

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest


Been listening to some really great lyrics. Thrice, Ben Folds...


Word craftsmen, these lyricists are.


The long nights, days of writing/researching, having no social life & too much coffee, more irritable moments than i should have had, patient support systems, sweat, and tears have paid off.


thank you, Lord.

old maid?

recently i've been staying in more on the weekends.
this is due to the fact that my LIFE (school, social network, etc.) is in the OC & i simply just DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.
i fill up twice a week regardless of going out (just commuting to school/church is eating my soul)& spending those two hours commuting is such a waste of TIME (TIME = MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!).
but, i've still been happy.
granted, i don't have the ideal situation as a 22 year old (living with the parents, err... living with the parents, mostly) but i really can't complain.
well, no, that's a lie. i do complain. and i'm SO THANKFUL for the person hearing the brunt of it :)
i don't pay rent, utilities, and groceries and well, that's a good chunk of change.
so i thought to myself... WOW, i am beginning to hermit myself again (i do so from time to time for no reason. i don't know why!).
but, i'm okay with that.
staying home forces me to relax (which i haven't had much of recently) and calm down. breathe. read a book, soak in the tub, etc.
it's nice.
well, that's what i tell myself anyway so as to not feel like an old maid ;)

i think

i think writing comes more naturally when one is unhappy.
actually, i think creativity comes more naturally when one is unhappy.
i don't believe i have ever been awestruck by a creative work done by a very happy person.
and for those that are continually creative, i can only assume that they are perpetually unhappy.
i am the type to be more attracted to the dark, the unhappy, the desolate.
i think this is because i believe there is a certain type to life in unhappiness. that, although an individual may feel that her soul is slowly decaying & her breath is slowly leaving her, it's almost a rebirth.
in actuality, a person will tend not to physically die. it is an emotional death and resurrection.
i think of a phoenix. a phoenix will have a chapter of its life, die & from its ashes, become beautiful again.
i think unhappy people go through that.
i think, sometimes, misery is beautiful.
i mean, without misery, does one really know the depth of being happy? joyful?
from misery comes a very special part of a person that usually lays dormant.
and not that one would want to be miserable all the time! by no means!
but when one is miserable, maybe... just maybe, it's not completely all that bad.
at least you know you are alive.

FCUK

curbing my spending habits is proving to be RIDICULOUSLY difficult.
the WHOLE DAY i have been putting imaginary pieces into imaginary shopping bags... & clicking all the way up to 'checkout,' looking at the prices, and crying.
i really DO NOT like having money.
i was trying to calculate how much i can sacrifice for le clothes. if i don't eat, basically, i can buy.
ummmmmm. this is proving to be more and more difficult. eating v. clothing...
maybe i'll just raid my mom's closet one last time...

sigh.
what am i doing!?
the prospect of having a midterm & final this week is so far from my mind right now.

i think i am going batshit crazy.

oh, how i miss those days when i didn't have to pay for anything~

i just sent in my car payment today. eeeeeeeeeeeesh. lucy costs me too much. sigh. but i do love her...

okok i need to stop complaining. according to allport, i'm an 'emotionally-healthy adult.'

teeheeeee.

bye bye, friend. 'til another day :(

it's

make it or break it.
do or die.
i'm gonna make do.

on a different note--

love. this. girl.

people

call me "little girl."
how about i call them "big girl?"
funny how the girl that called me "little" was, in fact, big.
i know this post is mean.
i'm not in the greatest mood.

oh, she's good

la roux.

okay, no

yes, i realize valentine's day is coming up.
and yes, i even have a boyfriend.
no, i do not care to know...

- what single people should do on valentine's day
- what couples should do on valentine's day
- the special deals on flowers (flowers = too much $ = quick death)
- the special deals on jewelry (have you not seen blood diamond!?)
- the special deals on teddy bears (no, i am no longer 3)

what i DO care to know...
- the special deals on CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!

i never mind valentine's day as long as there is some sort of chocolate-y goodness involved.
so there. i'm not completely jaded.

paz.

i hate that i even had to write on valentine's day. i think this day is way too overrated but i had to vent frustration somewhere. now, onto the shitload of writing i have to do by tonight so i can celebrate valentine's at AMOEBA (non-romantic) with ANDREW(NOT le boyfriend).

YAY unconventionality ~
i try.

God save McQueen.

my thoughts exactly.

for some reason

i have been having fierce cravings to write.
i usually have these cravings when i am upset or frustrated.
seeing as how i am both, i guess this overactive blogging makes sense.

i was going to leave one phrase to describe everything i was feeling.

"... and so it begins."

this one phrase has so much meaning to it- it can be positive, negative, and/or neutral.

here is what i'm thinking/feeling-

1. and so begin the shorter conversations.
2. and so begin the papers (1-2), presentation (1), and exams (2) this month.
3. and so begin the lack of sleep, me biting everyone's head off, and the obsession with APA-style format in all my papers.
4. and so begins another contemplation on grad school. have i made the wrong decision? should i transfer?
5. and so begins (or continues, in this case) my debt. frustration = spending money on one of two things. shoes/clothes&music. i'm headed to amoeba this weekend, friends or not.
6. and so begins me reevaluating my life. i cower in the face of change. it's sad and immature. i still do it.
7. and so begins the sleepless nights either writing/thinking.

eff february. i'd rather have the ides of march.

will everything really be alright?

alright is defined as 'adequate.'
i don't think anything in life is 'adequate.'
pain is excruciating. love burns. sadness is heart-wrenching and life, as we know it, is difficult.
words have evolved past 'good' and 'bad.'
it's become purposeful, just as life should be.
i think it's inspiring reading others' blogs. so many of my friends and loved ones going through an array of emotions and steps in life... makes me feel like i'm at a standstill.
even at this standstill, though, i can't help but be thankful.
thankfulness doesn't necessarily have to be felt, though, does it?
maybe it's my lack of sleep that's talking, but man. i hate waiting.
i have to wait for my masters degree. i have to wait and see if i pass my two board-certified tests to be able to practice in CA (or anywhere outside the state, for that matter). i have to wait to see my manfriend. i have to wait and save money in order to move out. i have to wait for the weekend.
why is life such a perpetuation of 'waits?'
my patience is wearing thin.

FYAP

perfect combination of cudi&vampire weekend. yummmmmmmmm.

of course

i would be blogging instead of studying for my midterm at 6pm.
let me share with you what i'm studying-

communication is the key to life.
without healthy relationships, life becomes severely unstable.
in an unstable life, the individual begins to feel isolated and thus deteriorates (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.)

there are rules to communication.
for example, in a family, one must answer the following three questions:
1. what can i say to others (in regards to the family unit)?
2. how can i say it?
3. to whom should i relay to?

and with these three questions come five accompanying rules-
1. the rules to communication within and outside of the family is explicit.
i.e. "don't say whatever is said in the family right now to those outside of the family."
2. the rules to communication within and outside of the family can be unspoken.
i.e. if nobody else talks about your sister's lifestyle outside of the family, don't talk about your sister's lifestyle outside of the family.
3. there are specific rules within each family that is punished/rewarded.
i.e. i will never be punished for keeping to myself, but other families might require "family time," where not talking to others in the family might be considered offensive.
4. family communication should be flexible for when unforeseen changes occur.
5. family communication should be negotiable so everyone can feel involved.

interesting, eh?
i like it.
well.
looks like i DID learn something!!!!

i am also learning effective communication with others (general) by reducing different types of noise, effective and proactive ways to communicate within relationships, and the advantages/disadvantages to having relationships. it was easier for me to memorize the latter. heh.

nowww on to the therapy part of communication:
1. the client's gumption matters the most (40%)
2. the client-therapist relationship matters next (30%)
3. hope, expectancy, and placebo factors are third most effective in therapy (15%)
4. the therapy treatment itself comes in last (15%)

psychotherapy works at least as well as medication.

and the last lesson i have learned-
let us begin life with an end in mind and constantly be alert to what is happening around us!
life is hard; i say we attack it with our best foot forward.

thirty-six

days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

ache

i very much believe there to be good types of ache as well as the bad.
right now, i am aching.
i am aching for what i had four summers ago.
after a long, hard day, i would sit on stairway steps looking out on the city of santa ana. the sun was burning fiercely while it was going down... almost like it was resisting its responsibility to set so that the moon may shine.
i would either be licking a popsicle or munching on some corn on the cob.
i would be sitting with a good friend talking about the children, jesus, or how hard life is.
there would be nothing on my feet but $5 old navy sandals, nothing on my sore legs but a pair of jeans/shorts and an old, well-worn tee.
i would have absolutely no makeup on and my hair would be lazily swept up in an unkempt ponytail.
man, those were the best times.

i had a similar moment recently.
sitting on a bench in balboa, looking out at the water. eating the best french sandwich i have ever had. conversing with a good friend. relaxing and knowing that everything will be alright.

i don't know what it is about nature.
my soul feels free.

FYAP

Passion Pit-Sleepyhead from ssarenofun1 on Vimeo.

it's been awhile. :)

and unusual punishment

'tis cruel to be so far from him.

the pursuit of happyness

i'm supposed to be writing a paper about 'change.'
how do YOU deal with change? what IS change to you?
i don't deal with change well. when something rocks my boat, i freak. i freak and immediately look for solutions. one would think this was healthy. ... but it's not.
experience has taught me that purely being in the midst of change can change you. fiercely looking for solutions may help. it mayn't. BUT. reflection on what is changing and how to adapt, i think, is very healthy. i lack the reflection part. i spring immediately into action. in most cases, this attribute is good. in cases such as change, not so much.
i'm ok with change. i just wish i knew how to handle it better.

the point of this blog post, though, was that when most people change, they change to be happy.
whether the change equates to clothes, personality, significant others, etc. the change is geared toward a positive outcome. however, due to the nature of human beings, positive outcomes are few and far between. we are a self-destructing race. if good things are happening, we are apprehensive. we feel like, maybe due to the cycle of life, the bad is going to come soon. therefore, it is highly unlikely that we will fully tap into that happiness. however, when shit happens... well, shit happens.

the point of my stream of conscious is that people change because they want good to happen in their lives. even if the change is to come to us, we make a decision beforehand that brings the change onto us. for example, i went to a party last night and met some friends. some changes might come about in my life because of the decision to go to one party.

decisions, decisions. collisions, collisions. amazing how life works. amazing how God works.

i write in a stream of conscious and it gets ugly. sorry. i'm going to save my little grey cells for my actual paper. ... which i soon hope to write. yayyy.

learned misplaced happiness

what i learned about myself this week
1. i have a bad habit of thinking i know everything. or have seen everything. or have heard everything.
'tis never true! my eyes are slowly being opened to a new type of world.
(i.e. one of the students in my psychopathology class works at hope, has two children [one around my age], is a single mom, and is currently dating. oh, and she smokes. for some reason, i thought all white christians were super legalistic. i'm sure there are many that are, but notice i used all. hm. MY BAD!)
2. i was SO not ready for grad school. yeaaaaaaaap.
3. i don't mind my job so much anymore.
4. i love what i'm studying!!!!! diagnosing is like putting together people puzzles. i love it.
5. i am a collector! who knew!? of fabulous shoes, shirts and sexy sexy music.

misplaced happiness
i think the notion of "if you're happy, there can't be something wrong" is ... wrong.
i think there's such a thing as misplaced happiness.
i haven't gone so far as to elaborate that thought... but it sort of came to me listening to you like me too much by the beatles.

perhaps i shall elaborate on the thought later.

for now i am going to sit back, relax & talk to my boy on the phone :) ta-taaaaaaaa!

literal

i have a literal thorn in my flesh.
a physical ailment.
aside from that, i am appalled as to how many times i use the word 'i.'
i guess it's normal to do so in a blog, but wowza!

you say you want a revolution...

lazy days

do you ever have those days when your brain is just lazy?
you sit in front of the computer knowing there is always something ...
buuut as much as you want to finish whatever is plaguing your mind, the will to do so is just... not there?
i have a sort of nagging feeling with me all the time.
i don't know what it is.
i want to say it's school.
i want to say it's le boy.
i want to say it's living at home.
i want to say it's because i feel like i can't breathe when i'm not leaving near a beach.
i want to say it's because i, seriously, am broke. no joke.
i want to say it's because i haven't gone shopping in too long. withdrawal?
i want to say it's because i can't go to coachella. FUCK
i hope i know what it is soon so i can get rid of it.
i miss the rain already.

i hate the way i write.
hate it so much.






that's the way the sun hits the top of our neighbor's house when it sets.
i can't get over how beautiful that burnt orange is. i normally HATE the color orange.
that orange, though... i would never get tired of looking at it. & the way it contrasts the sky?
mmhm.

oh pioneer, oh pioneer.

in this very moment, someone...
- has been robbed
- has left on a plane to the unknown
- died
- gave birth
- had their first orgasm
- was terrified to find out they were preggos
- was elated to find out they were preggos
- was proposed to
- was deinstitutionalized and took their first step out of jail/the psych house/etc.
- broke their leg
- broke someone else's leg
- bought their first car
- bought their first motorcycle
- got handed their license
- received a gift in the mail (me! :D; THANK YOU, DAVID CHU <3 <3 <3)
- realized their love for someone
- realized their hatred for someone
- accepted christ
- denied christ
- had their house foreclosed
- stubbed their toe

i could go on and on and on and on and on and on and onnnn.

... while i sit here at an office desk staring at the paperwork that needs to be put away.

what a trip.

class was canceled today, though. yipeeeee!

scandalous?

you know society has gone to shit when the temporal begins to have staying power.

hyyerr

i just had a breakthrough moment for myself while studying.
i HATE talking about my feelings.
i can talk about everything & anything. cars, philosophy, MUSIC, love.
... but the minute people ask me what i feel (minus clothes//shoes)?
PAZ.
i know why i'm like this.
do other people have to know, too?

decisions, decisions

there come points in my life where i feel like i am at a complete stand still.
i imagine myself looking at two roads, both leading off into the sunset.
the day is bright and the sun is shining happily down at me. i am walking out of a forest and the trees shake, anticipating which road i am going to take.
the air is clear and the weather is crisp.
i am on top of a hill.
i look down and see the worlds of opportunities at my feet.
and my mind is cloudy, fuzzy, fearful.
i don't lead my life with my heart so feelings get muddled. i'm not quite sure as to how to handle them.
logic does nothing for me in these situations.
i thought i knew how to handle my emotions, but i was wrong.
so so wrong.
now i'm left with this beating heart. beating beating beating.
what to do with it, i don't even know.

i heart

i can't even begin to describe the wonders of the heart.
how it can feel so much and so little baffles me.
the way it twists and turns. the way it confuses the hell out of me. the way it elates me, the way it consumes me.
the way it annoys me, the way it questions me, the way it pushes/pulls me in directions i am extremely wary of.
the way it lashes out at me, the way it hides me to the world. the way it hates, the way it loves.
the way it burns, the way it melts, the way it freezes.
i can't even begin to imagine the direction it will take me next.

christians are told not to follow your heart, to follow christ.
if christ is in your heart, is it ok?
it sounds like the most senseless question... but in reality, it is a daily struggle for me.

a key component to my personality is that i am down for anything.
i don't want to regret a single thing in my life & welcome (mis)adventures.
at the same time, i do want to guard my heart.
in what world can i meld these two passions together?

before diving into my schoolwork, again.

schoolwork has become a welcoming nuisance.
i don't like having a regular schedule because i am pretty ADD. haha. i like to be intrigued AT ALL TIMES... which isn't particularly healthy, but eh. what can ya do.
after retreat, i can only be thankful.
that's what comes to mind.
so thankful.
thankful for my rational mind, for my always curious heart, my sense of wonder, my friends, family, possessions, my reality, my hopes, dreams, my ability to GO to school (financially AND physically), this laptop...
i really CAN'T complain.
i think i am the most thankful when i am the busiest.
getting things done, i think, is the call of man. (wo)men feel most accomplished and most like themselves when completing something with their own two hands.
fortunately for me, i have rest and happiness in what i do.
i do what i do because i love it, not because i want to leave a dying impression on this decaying world.
i need to tap into reality more often.
the bane of my existence is keeping my head in the clouds.
it's fun, it's an escape; it should not be used to live.
when you see my head in the clouds, please pull me down.

well,

he held onto it as long as he could.
god help him.

i really like crossing things off my checklist.
:)

second post

i am incredibly shallow.
i need to grow the FUCK up.

there. done.

that needed to be said.

i have moved on

... to incredibly exciting/anxious/curious pastures.

i guess there does need to be the dull moments to open one's eyes to, well, everything else.

strange

it feels strange to be seeing someone again.
what is even stranger is the feeling i have for this one.
i like him. ... & it feels ok.
he makes me feel ok. i feel comfortable with him.
i don't feel rushed, i don't feel like it's going too slow.
it's steady.
i haven't had this kind of relationship, ever.
i like trying out new things :)

2010

there are two qualities i want to foster this year.

1. confidence
2. gumption

now when people pray for qualities such as these, i can't imagine God to be the type to give. well, not give outright anyway. i can't say i'm fully prepared for this year. i definitely am not. i do know that each year brings its hardships, though. and if God allows, i would not be mad if he allows struggles that help foster some confidence and courage in me.

i'm scared shitless but damn, it's gonna be one hell of a ride. yeE!

i

feel like i put myself out there more than i should.
more often than not i get burned.

BUT.

here's to a good year.
i think 2010 will be good. i can feel it in my bonezzz.z

please don't be afraid

if i pull a-

[young Jenny Curran] "Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here."

one day i'm going to pack. pack a bag.
i'm going to pack this bag so i can go far. far far away from here.
where to? who knows. it could be london, france, anywhere but your underpants!
either way, it'll be grand. i'll have a ball. ball ball balll.

i am really sad, so sad, that i can't spend nye in sf for more reasons than one.

i'm going to make the best of it, tho, and spend it with one of my very good friends.

far far away from here.

happy 2009, folks!

baby, it's fact

i feel the butterflies again.

fucking addicted to this man.

all of the feeling in the world can, sometimes, be summarized into this one following word:

fuck.

(untitled).

i love staying up listening to amos lee.

one night i want to stay up late with my hubby, drinking tea, reading while listening to amos lee.
with reading lights for each of us & lightly scented candles for the rest of the room.
i realize that my previous sentence is a complete fragment.

i used to be a grammar nazi. i still keep my reference book from my upper-div writing class so i can teach, or correct, myself.
now that my room is clean, though, i don't know where i put stuff anymo.'

this one deserved a separate post

Josh Groban: "Hollywood loses another bright soul....how many more? A decade of decadence and devastation. Time to wake up."

November 10, 1977 - December 20, 2009.

RIP, brittany.

list therapy

i am HAPPY
things that i am happy about
- amos lee
- my sisters, my high school friends
- my brothas from chi-town
- exodus3
- my cambridge family
- having a date tomorrow night!
- my full bed
- orange juice
- tea
- chanel by axel madsen
- theo :)
- sf
- 5$ blackjack
- my faux fur vest
- my tiny, black canon
- the CHARGERSSS
- steve nash
- starting school soon (i know, i know)

i don't quite know how to end this post
i was going to finish with a short list of what i was unhappy about
but man, why do that?

positive

i wish i was a more positive person.
truth is, i'm not.
i have no reason NOT to be positive.
i grew up in a nice, christian korean-american home.
my brother & i (relatively) get along.
i have great friends.
tons of crazy relatives.
lots of possessions.
a hope that transcends reality.
...
but i'm just not.
i'm not saying i'm NEGATIVE. i guess i could be a realist?
sigh. not really that either.

i don't know why i do this to myself

i have work tomorrow............ & it's late.
i don't know why i do this to myself.
i'm not even fully recovered.
i feel 90% there, but not quite.
relapse is possible.
i've been reading the bell jar by sylvia plath.
plath has written so clearly & beautifully thoughts that i have thought and words that i wish were spoken in my reality, universe. ... and it scares the shit out of me.

finishing siddhartha inspired me. for a very obvious reason, i don't think the bell jar will have an equal effect.

i wish i can have lots of thoughts right now- some sort of dilemma, a praiseworthy moment, a hypothetical situation. anything that will make me write, but my brain seems to be lit up with nonsense and empty lights.

i feel like sometimes ... just sometimes, i think my life really is like a movie.

that serendipity will bring that stranger i met on BART to me and we will live happily ever after.
that my friendships will stay exactly the same and will never take a turn for the worse.
that someday i just might see big ben again.
that i might be able to afford a chanel purse of my own.

i sincerely believe there are realistic dreams and dream dreams.

realistically i will never meet the perfect man.
realistically friendships/relationships change.
realistically i just might see big ben again & hopefully i'll be able to afford that chanel purse.

i guess that's what life is all about- hope.

i've grown way too jaded to appreciate a fool's hope.

if i had three wishes i'd wish for the following-
1. height (my height can get very uncomfortable. esp. in europe where women are amazonian & it's normal),
2. the ability to speak every language,
3. to SEE THE BIG PICTURE- whatever that means. i'll take it.

#3 used to be money. an unlimited supply... but what kind of bitch would that turn me into? i guess knowing too much just might hurt me too. but i'd rather be crazy than greedy.

lifestyle

i've been out & about for the past two weekends and my body is paying for it.
i have aches where i didn't know i could HAVE aches.
on top of that, i'm sick.
BUT this past month i've been having the times of my life.
i have laughed so hard i couldn't breathe, i've danced nights away & discovered some damn good music.
had friendly chitchat with a beautiful stranger, found a great little boutique that has EVERYTHING i could ever want in terms of fashion and the greatest advisers in my friends.
these are the times when i feel the most blessed. the most alive.
sigh.
right now, i am content.

loves

via le fashion.

FAIL; gotta try try again. +fyap!!!!!

i didn't take any bb pics at vegas.
i didn't want to drop my camera while buzzed. or something like that.
i'm gonna try again next month.

hmm.

SPEAKING OF VEGAS.
vegas was good. i came out down, but up with lots of good memories :)
i can't wait for SF this weekend.
finally going back home. been awhile.

FYAP

before heading to Sin City

BBD (BB Dependence #2) ~
i use my BB in my car. yes, i still talk while driving. especially if i'm about to fall asleep on the road. i think it's the lesser of two evils.

ps- so dave chu think it's creepy that i do this. i think that i should. my project is to show society's dependence on technology. if it's creepy, it's creepy. it is what it isss.

for your aural AND viewing PLEASURE!!!

Phoenix - 1901 - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

paris

winter feels like it's finally here, and i can only imagine of how magical it'd be if i was in paris for this particular season.

je le manque.

BB Nation~

I'm gonna try a social experiment.
I'm going to take a picture every time I place my bb somewhere.
The point of this project would be to analyze the kind of culture we live in.
I am assuming that all 13 of you who read my site are dependent on/addicted to some sort of electronic device, whether it be your camera, laptop, cell phone, etc.
I am a crackberry addict. I LOVE my BB.
SO.
I am going to let you readers in on my life. Wherever the BB is, I am.
I will hold nothing back. I have taken my bb to the bathroom ONCE. If ever I decide to do it again, you guys will truly know how disgusting I am. HAHA.
So please. ENJOY :)

my camera is here~

it's a point&shoot canon sd940IS. i'm saving up for a canon rebel xsi & a polaroid camera.
... while i have this one, tho, can anyone teach me how to use various editing programs?
it would be much appreciated :).

the problem with grace chung.

i am a mover. a traveler.
sitting still is very difficult for me.
today i woke up with a very strange thought.
what if i had all the time of the world;
what if i had all the money in the world?
what would i do?
1. buy a canon dslr.
2. buy a polaroid camera.
3. pack ONE suitcase. [floss, (tooth)brush, paste, brush, one long sleeve, one short sleeve, one vest, one jacket, 2 jeans, 2 socks, 2 bras, 2 undies]
4. buy a pair of toms- i hear they're comfy AND goes to a GREAT cause!
5. hop on the next train/plane.
oh, the endless possibilities.
all day everyday i dream of creating.
the next aesthetic pleasure that comes to mind.
my eye tries to catch the light that eludes me, so selfishly.
i want to react, but the darkness pulls me back-
i shiver, unknowingly, from the endless possibilities of being young.
i've experienced so much.
yet i crave for more. so much more.
this gift of life; LIFE!
do you know HOW precious life is and how LITTLE time we have LEFT!?
when you are driving, do you not look up at the sky and feel how SMALL you are!?
don't you want to know what it feels like to FALL into the SKY?
or maybe how to sleep on the sun's rays?
don't you want to know how it feels to be as small as a tick? or as large as an elephant?
don't you want to be the next literary GENIUS?
or the next MOTHER TERESA?
or maybe dive into the blood stream of a junkie and rid him of his impulses?
or hang out with bacteria??
i don't know. maybe i'm just being strange.
... but i can only imagine heaven to be CHOCK FULL of ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.
when we get there, don't bother me.
COME WITH!

FYAP

the worst feeling in the world

... is to KNOW that i'm young, vibrant & single.
... & KNOW that i can go to london & paris (including airfare, hotel & breakfast) for $699.
... & NOT be able to GO.

wanderlust at its worst.
ugggh.

do you know?

- i'm more touched by a sentimental note/card than an extravagant gift.
- i'd rather receive cake than cash.
- i believe in the power of the written word.
- i think happiness is underrated.
- i believe in the power of prayer.
- i love winter bc i don't have to shave as much.
- i turn 22 on the 22nd of this month!
- after my MA i debate between going to fashion school or getting my PsyD/MD (psychiatry).
- i'm starting a paperback library for my children.
- i refuse to let my children watch disney movies save alice in wonderland.
- i love reading blogs.
- i love fringe & lace. lacy fringe/fringed lace? no.
- my favorite two cities in the world are london & paris.
- i would like to have an apartment in nice, france.
- i would like to learn french.
- & quite possibly german.
- i am quite good at the english and/or southern accent when i am drunk.
- my absolute FAVORITE movie is 2 days in paris.
- i am beginning to grow a taste for wine.
- i dislike the holidays... except for thanksgiving. i love thanksgiving.
- i wish i was more proactive in perpetuating my happiness.
- i need to consciously tell myself to stop shopping. my new obsession? the sales rack at UO.
- i realize that i will never be an accessories type of gal.
- sometimes, i do wish i can wear flats.
- i've never set foot into a zara, but want to. quickly.
- i'd rather go blind than deaf.
- i'm reteaching myself to play the piano by ear. it's toughhhhh.
- i LOVE she&him.
- & regina spektor.
- i am taking cj's advice of not being afraid of who you really are to heart. life's too short to be someone else.
- i really. want. a. polaroid. camera.
- i often wonder why i was born human.
- i just discovered allure magazine. it's quite fantastic!
- i also just discovered max tundra. freaking genius.
- if i could choose to be any celebrity in the world, it'd be mary-kate olsen.
- if i could choose to date any celebrity in the world, it'd be joseph gordon-levitt.
- i follow joseph on tumblr.
- i have a tumblr.
- jazz moves me.

is this enough?
do you know me?

LOVES! (+ another FYAP)

Victoria Beckham Q&A with Allure Mag:

Do you want to smell sweet or sexy?

A bit of both. It's nice to be girlie and sweet, but everybody likes to have another side."

Sun or self-tanner?

Sun. I don't self-tan anymore; it's frustrating when people criticize my color. It's the color that I am! I wear sunblock, but I live in a hot climate.

Coffee or tea?

I start off the day with a double espresso. Then i get on the running machine and I run like a bat out of hell.

Pajamas or…?

I tend to wear nothing, but David bought me these little sets from Agent Provocateur, his favorite store.

Salad or fries?

Salad. I'm not going to lie. I'm not one of these people that says, "Oh, I eat hamburgers."

Massage or facial?

I run every day, so a massage is great.

Posh or Victoria?

I'm so respectful of the Spice Girls, and I love all the girls dearly, but it's nice now that people know my name. But either is a compliment. I mean, I've been called a lot worse.

Heels or flats?

I beyond hate ballerina flats - I can't even walk in them. Unless they're on a ballet dancer doing ballet, I just don't get it.

Sex or sleep?

Sex. I'm getting into bed with David Beckham every night, so, you know, there'd be something wrong if I said "sleep."

HAHA. I LOVE THIS GIRL.

i've been given a new lease on life.

i start grad school on jan. 4th.
i'm turning 22 this weekend.
i can't believe i'm getting older, moving on.
i've waited for this day.
thank the LAWD.

i post too much.

i am secretly (or not-so-secretly now) giddy about having the same book as the sartorialist under my 'currently reading' list.
it's Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. i'm almost done with it. comments on the book will come in a subsequent blog, i'm sure.
hehe.

for your aural pleasure-

i stayed up all night

being anxious.
i laid there, wanting to just... come out of my body & whisk away to paris or something.
i thought i was going crazy. my body felt all jittery & was immensely scared of the future.
i hate & love change.
change may bring good, but it may also bring the not-so-good.
i can't prepare myself for change.
i want a clean start without the challenge.
selfishness, thy name is grace chung.

no pain no pain~

i wish p. chi specified as to what KIND OF pain he was referring to when he preached on 'no pain no gain.'
there is a 'without' kind of pain that stems from loneliness.
then there is the kind of pain that was made... a decision, for example, that was bad that could have been easily circumvented if it was more thought-out.
either way, if pain is the prerequisite for gain... i wonder how much pain a person has to go through for any type of gain?

oh fucking shit.

so all of brent's roommates are a band called 'dusty rhodes and the river band.'
i knew they were musicians that churned out some sort of indie music... but i just checked out their myspace & am now starstruck. it'd do them a disservice to call them 'good.'
they bring something completely different, new & exciting to the indie music scene.
& i'm trying to stay AWAY from brent? i'm hanging out with down-to-earth, creative indie rockstars while i'm over at his place? ...that are so open-minded & different than the rest of the idiots i come across everyDAY?
god, this is going to be SO hard.
it'd be even more embarrassing if they googled their named & found this blog.
.........
if so, HEY BRAD! CALL ME! ;)
i WOULD have something for the bassist.
shit, soooooooooooon.
i'm tired. sleepy. but i can't sleep.
i've been feeling jittery for QUITE some time.
i have an interview next week for grad school.
i've become too complacent & now i don't want to get my lazy ass up to actually CONTRIBUTE to society.
AHHAHAHA i guess this means no more 'waterfalls' with corzo shots & staying up 'til 3am talking sex positions.
ok peace OUT.

for your aural pleasure-

Plastic.

Everybody's plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic. -Andy Warhol.

i don't want to be plastic, but damn is it tempting.
if i had enough money to be? who knows.

short & sweet, what a treat!

I LOVE FOOTBALL.
GO CHARGERS.

ok, herrre we go!

i am hoping my free writing will encourage myself to keep writing... or, at least, to edit my grad entrance paper... that is due very soon... i was supposed to have it sent out yesterday, actually. to no avail! ha!
i am planning on finishing this up tomorrow... sigh.
i did some shopping today. why do i do this to myself. i have no monies. really, now. sigh.
i really hope that grad school will keep me busy. less distraction on my hobby. i just like looking, really... & if i can find myself wearing, and it has my size... i am so compulsive. sigh.
i have also started gaining weight.
the more thankful i am with my life, the better food tastes... the more candy i want... gahhhh.
i think i am taking right steps in my life.
i haven't talked to brent in awhile. i rejected his advances... and the less i see of him, the happier i am. really.
... i wish we could just be friends. i love hanging with him, his friends... but i guess it's better this way. it'd be way too easy to fall for him that way too, i think.
sigh.
i am writing in a blog while listening to backstreet. HAHA takes me BACK. i've had a journal since i was... in first grade & have started blogging since i could use the internet/keyboard.
i am addicted to writing. it is the best outlet i've found. writing and shopping... but because writing is free, it has proved to be a better ... option, i guess. ... for lack of a better term.
soooo if i get into this program, i will be starting in january. which means... canceling travel plans & being chained to papers, tests, required reading, etc. for two more years.
i don't know if i'm looking forward to it, but i know it's something i'm willing to do.
ultimately i would love to work in the fashion industry. BUT i don't know if it'd be quite as fulfilling for me...
i think shopping & mixing/matching my clothes would be more of a hobby. the way i feel around clothes... is pretty captivating, i'm not gonna lie. i lose myself in colors, fabrics, trends, etc. ... but once i look God in the face... what can I say? "Lord, I was the most fashionable on the block!?"
i guess i can give myself credit for helping people feel better about themselves... but shouldn't that start from the in-> out?
not that i have to justify anything when I see God. according to the bible, we are holy and blameless in his sight when we accept Jesus as our savior because he DIED die for ALL of our sins.
which doesn't mean i can do anything. anything is permissible but not everything is beneficial, right?
hrm.
the thing is, i have taken a couple psych classes and have been intrigued, but never have i delved so deeply into therapy.
i have always wanted to go into it & i know that i can be good at it... i just hope this is something i want. & if it isn't, then i'd find out more soon than later.
the future is some scary ass shit.
yeah, one step at a time. i get it.
but there are days i go through life just looking around & not paying attention to where i am stepping.
... daydreaming, almost, through life.
going through the motions, holding on to the temporary highs.
at least this will get my brain going, i'll meet new people, & hopefully see the world again.
i REALLY want to see the world.
sigh.
hahah i've been 'sigh'ing a lot. hahahaha. whoooooops.
i don't know what exactly my problem is.
i feel like i know who i am, but i don't.
i do things i like, i am a certain way.....but i just can't sit still. i just can't BE. i need to be active, entertained, ... & if/when i'm not, i'll find a way. usually destructive. i don't know why!
my parents were joking about this story that this guy in england faked his death to see who would come to his wedding.
guess who came?
ONE PERSON- HIS MOMMA.
that got me thinking... who would come to mine!?
i have become a hermit, basically, with no deep wish to touch EVERYONE'S LIVES. i didn't think it was bad... i didn't think the aim of life was to make everyone else happy tooo... but it almost seems relevant because what else do you leave behind besides your legacy?
i don't even know.
i wish i knew.
i wish i knew EVERYTHING. life would be so much simpler, i'd think. but at the same time, everything would become so much more complicated, right? would it be better to let things be or ACT?
i mean, with God behind me, what the hell am i supposed to do?
i don't know how to act 'accordingly.'
in fact, i don't know how to do ANYTHING 'accordingly.'
i find myself to be very awkward & unsure.
i was takling with brent one night when i pulled away from him when he tried to hold my hand.
i have this REALLY big insecurity. i sweat a lot. my hands, especially. his house is super hot. it traps heat. i don't konw why. but i get really hot. & nervuos around him. i think he's super cute.
so i pulled awya...like.. snapped. not slowly or anything. like, crazily. he questioned why i did that. i told him 'my insecurities, i guess...'
and he told me to be more confident! CONFIDENT!
to anyone that knows me, i'm pretty damn confident. cocky sometimes, maybe.
but the first thing that popped into my head was- confident about what??
yes, i have a BA. i have friends. i have lots o' cool clothes & shoes. i've had boyfriends in the past. i have a nice little laptop & a blackberry. a cool CAR. i have everything anyone could ever want/need. i STILL question myself. ALWAYS.
i am insecure, awkward, foolish. it takes GRAND FAILURES to come back to Christ. and when i come back to him, i'm crying. blubbering. asking him to fix this MESS. once ONE little thing goes RIGHT, i go off by myself again.
i have this REALLY BAD napoleon/rebel complex. i HATE the normal; therefore, i must do everything OPPOSITE. except i'm super PUSSY so i don't even FOLLOW THROUGH. when i DO it emotionally destroys me. if i DON'T it emotionally destroys me- i immediately regret.
... i think i have too much time on my hands.
i really think that's the problem.
i hope that when i'm busy... i'll stop overthinking the crap that is the world & move toward a real & happy goal.
i was told today by my dad that if i keep focusing on the world, i would be even more miserable than i am now.
i am not miserable because i am ungrateful. i'm not miserable because i have no friends, clothes on my back, food on the table, etc. i'm miserable becaues i observe, too much, everything & everyone around me & overthink. when you really sit & look at the world, you will find it is very ugly.
VERY ugly.
people are ugly. people will do mean, foolish, etc. things that tragically affect others in the same way. people are born into unfortunate circumstances or will find themselves in a very sad state because the world is telling them that it's ok to be a failure.
lies are the foundation of america& what runs it.
i need to stop looking at the world, but i'm already so set in my ways!
i'm extremely observant aboout everything, i'm extremely stubborn, i'm extremely analytical & judgemental.
how do i spin this positively?
ok, i'm done.
i'm spent.
congrats to whoever read through this WHOLE THINGGGGGGGGG.
*applause
ps- i need to get my hands on some hawt acid-wash jeanssssssssssss. wanna go shopping? ;]
PPS- JIMMY CHOOS OUT IN H&M STORES ON THE FOURTEEEEEEEEENTH!!!!!!!!!!! get 'em while they're hot, girls.

Currently Reading

"At that moment, when the world around him melted away, when he stood alone like a star in the heavens, he was overwhelmed by a feeling of icy despair, but he was more firmly himself than ever. That was the last shudder of his awakening, the last pains of birth. Immediately he moved on again and began to walk quickly and impatiently, no longer homewards, no longer to his father, no longer looking backwards." --Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

i realized i should have prefaced my emo post....................

(thank you jess&dave for the texts, btw :D)

as a 21yearold, i didn't want to live life without any regrets.
SO, i went out & did what any 21yo does- party, booze, know boys, stay out, etc.
... but i also realized that i do not want to live my life this way.
i had a little stint of this when i was in england; there i wanted to test God's love & patience for me. at one point, i was still drunk in my room (no need to drive there!) & i had written such poignant words in my journal.
i forgot i've written them until the next day. it reads something along the lines of ...there are chains to sin. living a life of complete hedonism is not something i want to invest in...
& i thought i walked away from it all.
a brutal breakup with a boyfriend (say that 3x fast), though, led me into a ... i'm gonna enjoy my single life!! phase where... i am, quite frankly, sick of now.

the blog post was written as a reminder to myself... a reminder that through my drunken nights, calls, etc... i didn't really find myself. ... i lost it.
my values, principles, identity, was quickly stolen from me as i thought 'living life' was temporarily altering reality & doing with it as i please.

now that 22 is looming ahead... i want to put that past behind. i know i'm not old, mature, etc. but i am hoping that the past year has made me that much wiser.
i still have to grow so much & i know there will be many challenges in my life... but isn't identifying the problem half the battle?

22yrWISHLIST.

so close

to losing myself.
lord, save me.