do you know that song?

shawty's like a melody in my head...
na na na na, everyday, like an ipod stuck on replayyy

it's actually semi-melodic!
anyway.

i've been addicted to that song for a good 2-3 weeks.
grosssssssssss, right!???

WRONG. it's so fun.
especially y'all closet "party in the USA" fans: don't judge me.

heheeeeeeeeee.
i wonder who he's singing about.
he's probably singing about me.
PROBABLY.

let's talk philosophy!

i'm at a point in my life where i want to make the decision to live recklessly or to not.
for most of you that know me, i am not a very 'average' person.
i'm either, go HARD or go HOME.
i don't like to live an average life.
so here is my problem:
i have an enigma of a boy that i hang out with. he is very cute, very funny, very artsy... everything that i enjoy in a person. we fiddle with his camera, watch stupid comedies on his tv and try to make the stonehenge out of cookie dough.
we stay up all night drinking mike's hard lemonade and make bad decisions together.
we go out to restaurants only to order the most obscure things & make fun of the people staring at us because we are an 'interracial' ... thing.
we have discussions as to what we like, dislike, belive in, and don't believe in. we have discussions as to how cute/annoying his puppy is & as to why we can't be too involved in each others' lives.
we don't understand each other at all and we are simply ok with that.
the more that i hang out with this person, tho, the more i enjoy my life & thus, the more i fall for him.
we are, were, never will be meant to be together.
i can NOT think of raising a family with him & spending the rest of my life with him.
he drives me crazy in a good way AND bad.
so is it worth it to continue seeing him?
i can either continue seeing him, be hurt, and learn to move on, again, from a bruised heart.
OR
i can stick it out now and stop talking to him, giving up a life that i enjoy so that i can, what... be ok? continue living my life now?
i love my life now. but he adds to my life now.
now comes the question of "God's plan."
i only put that phrase in quotations because i, in all honesty, do not know as to which route to take.
i can either--
a. continue hanging out with him. jesus makes all for good. i do believe it. in any bad situation there is a positive. maybe i will learn my lesson. maybe i will make better decisions in the future due to what happened.
b. stop hanging out with him. & ... be patient? apparently what i want can be bad for my (emotional) health. but what God provides can be 100x better than what i had.
either way there is a gamble.
should i... be happy now, be hurt, and be happy later?
or be without, be happy later?
both end with happy endings (snicker), but which risk am i willing to take?
i hate boredom & waiting. which has brought me to a pain-stakingly HARD decision to make.
maybe it's time to cultivate a vaccine for boredom & learn to be patient.
maybe it's time for me to grow up.
i think i've made my decision. but damn it all it ain't gon' be fun fo' awhileee.

matters of consequence

it's cruel how normally life goes on when mine has suddenly stopped.
'tis a cruel world indeed.

obama asks moms to return to school

is the title of the fb advert on the side of my page...
underneath it is a dancing shadow.
i don't get it...

beauty

They seemed to say that they owed me nothing, that their deafness had provided me with a moral goal, that it had been my duty to struggle, to suffer, to bear--for their sake--whatever sneers, contempt, injustice, torture they chose to inflict upon me, to bear it in order to teach them to enjoy my work, that this was their rightful due and my proper purpose. And then I understood the nature of the looter-in-spirit, a thing I had never been able to conceive. I saw them reaching into my soul, just as they reached into Mulligan's pocket, reaching to expropriate the value of my person, just as they reach to expropriate his wealth--I saw the impertinent malice of mediocrity boastfully holding up its own emptiness as an abyss to be filled by the bodies of its betters--I saw them seeking, just as they seek to feed on Mulligan's money, to feed on those hours when I wrote my music and on that which made me write it, seeking to gnaw their way to self-esteem by extorting from me the admission that they were the goal of my music, so that precisely by reason of my achievement, it would not be they who'd acknowledge my value, but I who would bow to theirs... It was that night that I took the oath never to let them hear another note of mine.

---

i have inexplicable thoughts & they drive me absolutely nutty.

HAHAHAHAAH.

is it bad that i thought of my friends when i saw this.

:)

don't you have those times when

you sit back, relax & sigh... realizing that you are just lucky to be alive?
when i was young, i always complained about being short.
even now, sometimes i complain about being short [esp. when i am drizzunk].
being eye level to most peoples' boobs & having to sniff that BO is no cakewalk, BELIEVEEE ME!
whenever i complained, though, my dad always responded with a 'at least you have legs.'
or a 'at least you have feet.'
& i always thought that those were inappropriate answers... most people do have legs and feet!
... looking back, i'm glad he said what he said.
why am i bitching and moaning. seriously. what GOD AWFUL situation am i in that i can complain?
i have a healthy body [which i CONSTANTLY take advantage of, but thank GOD!], a wonderful family, wonderful friends, wonderful opportunities...
what MORE could i want?
OBVIOUSLY i could have more SHOES... but that's not what i'm talking about.
every day i have, in my power, to do something different. not a day goes by where i have to work at mcdonalds 9-5 bc i have 8 crying kids at home and a dog to feed.
i have flexible hours, monies in the bank [not much, but still there] and youth.
seriously.
what more could i ask for.
nex stop? PARIS!

i hate

that i deleted all my past blogs/xangas/etc.
frustrationnn.
i want to revive them! sucks.
oh well.
gotta move on, i guess :).
FRIDAY TOMORROW.

:D

most lawyers in this office have very hearty laughs.
it makes me giggle inside everytime i hear them.
hehe.

"hi grace. thought of you today. just wanted to say hi."
-Oct 7, 2009 9:35:40 PM
[unknown number]

Atlas Shrugged

"On an evening in December--when the street beyond his window was like a congested throat coughing with the horns of pre-Christmas traffic--Rearden sat in his room at the Wayne-Falkland Hotel, fighting an enemy more dangerous than weariness or fear: revulsion against the thought of having to deal with human beings."

lesson learned!

it had to take nonchristians to point me back to christ.
for every one there is a purpose.

rough drafts

with every final drafts come multiple rough drafts.
i hated when people made it such a big deal to emphasize the bouts of 'rough drafts' our lives seem to go through. i mean, what is the final draft? our final bodies in heaven?
why can't there be a time in an individual's life where he or she is ever so fully content with life?
in this world, people say such states of mind does not exist. there is always a goal. always a check-point. once that point is reached, the individual is to reach higher, or further, than his or her previous destination.
all the greats argue that an able mind (whether it be logically or artistically) must be challenged at every cost.
so where does that leave us?
are we to run our whole lives & sleep when we're dead?
is this the fate of mankind? is it not this banality that rushes our looming death to come closer & closer?
or are these challenges the "veni vidi vici"s of our lives that keep us trucking? are accomplishments supposed to define an individual (apart from the spiritual aspect, of course)? when did this obsession with leaving a legacy become a thing of the present?
---
honestly, i am never really happy with my state of mind.
even as i read through the history of this blog, i find myself cringing at what i've written.
i have let my past define me- all my previous blogs are filled with thoughts that have been written with clarity... decadence... a poised, skilled hand.
i am fidgeting as i write this. i am twirling my hair, pausing (very awkwardly) every so often while typing out the words that i am trying to string together to make sense, and wondering where my mind has been for the past couple of months.
i am trying to keep active, alert, but the contentment that i am searching for alludes me.
i'm learning, growing. i wonder if these are growing pains.
i AM finding myself, finding the gospel to be unusually enriching and learning to cope with the daggers and blessings that life has for me.
yet i look at the novel i'm writing, the grad app i'm to be working on, and the words fail me.
i have become the student. i have forgotten how to manipulate the letters i so loved to perfect my thoughts and to clearly convey my emotions.
i have become a trainwreck of a writer & that deeply saddens me.
i can criticize & critique all the fuck i want, but if i can't deliver...
what does that make me?
i am too young to give up on this now. i need a healthy vice.
i want to write my triumphs and trials beautifully, in the way only i can.
to live simply & to write elaborately is the goal for the upcoming 2010.
tis october & i feel the autumn wind brush up against my cheeks & they glow with happiness.
i can't wait for the festivities! the hot apple cider, the thanksgiving specials, the warmth of a heated house & the aromas that seem to fill the air.
screw halloween! i want my turkey!

loveee

me: it's so weird. all my friends are so art-y. what does that makee me? the only left-brained ...
dad: no, you're a writer! why don't you write anymore!?
me: ...

no good answer.
herrrre i goooo!

jewels

i LOVE jewelry.
esp the ones i call friends& family.
i love & appreciate every jewel in my life.
yayyy <3
:)

i have love.

do you know how i know my friends & family love me?
they tell me that i have taken a turn for the worst.
i used to be different. more carefree, more trusting, less guarded, less princess.
i put myself out there.
do you know what happened?
i was shred to pieces.
friendships, relationships, any type of -ship i was involved in failed.
i would consider this my 'job' moment. throughout these -ship shits, i was told constantly to leave God & make my own way.
i tried. desperately. i clung to my status as a human being (only superior to other mammals, apparently, because of our oppositional thumbs) as reason enough to journey alone.
how wrong i was.
i have slowly begun to notice what ugliness has taken residence in the very core of my being. it's repulsive. i shared such views with a friend & my mom. they agreed with me.
i find it wise that they did not share with me their opinions for i would regard them as such- just opinions & consequently, i would not really listen.
i'm glad they waited.
this is where i am finally realizing how virtuous patience really is.
& with their undivided support, i can truly find myself again... this time, i'd stop listening to that little voice in my head that shouts that opposite thumbs are reason enough to rationalize my way through life.
for when did life ever become rational?
anyway, i'd start listening to the gospel- with my mind, heart & soul.
how very loved i am.

wandering eyes

there is an office right across from me with two women who make a living moving hospitals.
really, you read right. just... physically re-locating hospitals.
i am a little on-edge right now because i am THIS CLOSE to finishing a grad app and i'm procrastinating. HAHA.
so i look right across to their office & what do i see?
a plastic head of a bald eagle perfectly positioned on a square, wooden slab.
JUST the head. & it's looking right at them.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
oh, lord. that made my day.
i think if i stare at it long enough, it'll creep me out... but i can't look away. it's... THERE.
-___-
yayyy for grad school in jan? hopefully? if i get in? if i don't, screw it. i'm seroiusly applying to FIDM and finding myself a band of beautiful gay men that will make me laughhhh my life awayy~~

ciao.

growing up

i hate the idea of growing up.
growing up requires growing responsibilities, growing stress, and growing ... growing.
the idea of physically growing has escaped me yet the ever-gnawing 'i've got to grow up' in my mind has been gnawing at me for quite some time.
i don't know why i have this obsession with growing up.
for anyone that knows me, they know i say weird things, make foolish decisions and am very reckless with my time and money.
i know that everyone's life, experiences, etc. are different... somehow, though, i have this faint notion that i will appreciate everything i go through once i've fully matured, grown up.
i always reflect back on who i am and am not very happy.
i like lists. here is a list that i'm not so proud of-
- i'm very temperamental. moody.
- believe my opinions to be fact.
- extremely impatient.
- always expect perfection.
- lazyyy.
- confused.
- judgmental.
- unforgiving of stupidity.
- oh and the list goes on.
i know that nobody can reach perfection, but i wish to get close.

the onliest

it's rare that i find time for myself to sit on my bed with just me, myself & i. i always find time to clutter my mind... but what exactly does that do for me? i feel as if it's like sand between my toes- a little sand doesn't reallly bother me at first... but once the sand starts accumulating, i freak out. i hate being dirty.
this is my freakout moment.
i used to put aside time for myself... myself & God. usually with pen & a paper... i just write right what's on my mind, what i'm feeling, what i want to do with my life, why my life is perfect just the way it is, right now.
i have stopped- cluttered it with useless & mindless information and facts that will never come to light & help impact someone's life.
i look at others & ALWAYS wonder how they got to that point... & when i am sitting here wondering... i forget to lead my own reckless life.
i'm really good at stepping back & observing the situation.
i'm really bad at getting back in the game. i'm not exactly sure as to why... i was always so timid. i can blame it on my parents, i can blame it on how i grew up... but really. how old am i? shouldn't i be able to determine my own course?
growing up is hard to do. something i have to consciously do- something i have to work at. something i am going to have to cultivate.
it's unsettling really.
it'd be nice not to.
i have friends going to lse, and i thought that was the coolest thing ever. i felt very jealous. i so desperately want to go back to england. the nostalgia kills me sometimes. the freedom, the vast array of people, personalities, the professors, the country... everything was so magical. the times were times of life & love. even in times where i sat in my dorm room, listening to the rain & writing an essay... i was so happy. so so happy.
but i figure... if i really want to go back, i'd make it happen!
... so that's not what's desperately bothering me.
oh!
la is burning. the ash frightens and saddens me.
i'm applying to one grad school. one that is not internationally known, one that is not overrated, one that does not come with an 'ahh' when you tell someone.
... & i'm ok with it.
i just wish eveyrone else was too.
i don't like when people impose themselves in my life.
can you not do that please? thanks.
it's late. i should be going to bed, but i have a lot of thoughts. not necessarily good or deep ones... just ones that buzz around in your brain like those annoying socal fruit flies. ugh. great.